dejavu

Had a complete dejavu(spelling please) moment tonight. We were in, telling bedtime stories, and I decided I probably needed to record this one.  I went and grabbed the camera and flipped it on. As I walked into the room I hear Lou giggling, saying "kamdy-lou-ice cream-ice cream-bugga-boo-hoo".  There have been talks of an Ice cream land lately at bedtime. Usually, she asks that just her and daddy to stories(he is so much better at making those up on the spot), tonight I was invited. As I stared into my camera I could have told you what was going to happen frame by frame for the next 5 minutes. SERIOUSLY. It was crazy, and it brought peace to my soul. It brought faith that I could make it through another day in this crazy life that we have right now. It also made me fall even more in love with that little and her daddy.  

In the hospital, the afternoon(I think) after having baby E, I received a letter, flowers, and a little card from R & S.  I don't believe that I will ever have a chance to witness the moment when an adoptive couple receives the call that their little miracle has been born.  I can only imagine and hope that I will someday see that. Or, maybe see an adoptive couple find out they are PREGNANT(seriously I'd kill for the second one as well).  

In the letter they told me that they'd been told by their caseworker that he was 18 1/2 inches long. "... but in the excitement of it all I wrote down 8 1/2 inches..... one f my sisters said, "are you sure he's 8 1/2 inches? Do you know how tiny that would be?  It was then that we realized our mistake and we're really glad he's longer than a ruler."

They knew how to make me laugh, how to make me feel comfortable, how to make me feel loved. They really knew how to make me KNOW that they were so happy and grateful for us. They also are really good and letting me know how much they love HIM.  

I didn't mention this earlier, maybe cause I didn't remember, but when we met for the first time, the way R & S looked at each other when they spoke about the other, or about their lives, or the Gospel, it made my heart scream ITS THEM ITS THEM. I couldn't get over how amazing they were.  It was more than just knowing that he belonged to them, it was knowing how much they cared for, and loved, each other.  You could see it, and feel it when they were around!  

They must have trusted me as well, because at that moment they hadn't had a name chosen.  And, for one reason or another, they allowed US to choose from their top 2.  I don't remember if I told them what we would have named him if we would have parented, but he would have been known as Caleb Chandler.  If I did tell them, I don't know if they purposefully chose to use that as part of one of the choices or not; or if it had only to do with some of R's favorite scriptures in the Bible being about Caleb.  All I know is, I loved both the names, but couldn't help but be head over heels with the one that incorporated Caleb.  I was so grateful to have been able to be a part of choosing his name. It truly meant so much to me!

Those 2 were amazing. And though I could feel the love and happiness of their new bundle of joy, they were so sincere and sensitive to us and how we were feeling.  "While this is something we've looked forward to for years, it is also very difficult knowing that people we love so dearly will be hurting.  Oh, how we have prayed for you and hope you will be able to find peace and comfort."

There were many more things said in that letter, many things that have ALWAYS been such a strength. 

Its odd to remember something years later, and after you start from the beginning and move forward in remembrance.  I always told people that there was no way that I would be happy with, or be happy when we chose the couple that was going to raise this baby.  To me, it was so the right thing to do, but at the same time, in my HEAD(where Satan loved to be many times), my head told me that this was wrong, and that they wouldn't ever be good enough.  My HEART told me different. My Heart told me EVERYTHING was right, and they were MORE than GOOD ENOUGH, when I heard those words, "Suz's daughter-in-law...". Honestly, I thought it was a joke, people saying you would love them more than you have loved anyone in your life.  It was true though. And though I loved them as E's parents, I loved them more for the people they were. Their examples of faith, courage, honesty, love, and everything else. They are perfect, SERIOUSLY, and I mean seriously.  They have done more for me than I ever thought they would.  

The biggest thing they have done though, is that I have ALWAYS... ALWAYS... ALWAYS felt that they would do what was right for that little boy.  They would ALWAYS keep his safety, both physically and spiritually, his heart, and everything else as a first priority and to do what was best for him.  In turn, I knew that I never had to ask for ANYTHING.  Even if I thought of something that I wanted ask them for/about, in the following days would be a letter, or call, or text, or something from them.  They have always known. And I will always trust them in turn.

Moments like this make me feel like I am 19 again... vulnerable... scared... but even now, my Heavenly Father has let me know that this was right, and that sharing this story is the right thing to do right now!

I know that right now its not more than a story. There hasn't been much incite, much to debate, because there isn't anything to debate.  I don't think adoption is a debatable issue. It is right for some of us, not for all of us, but in most cases, should be an option at least. I am so grateful that I'd been educated about adoption. Otherwise I'd probably be a single mom dealing with a relationship that never should have been.

Sorry that this is an all over the place post... but I've been having lots of thoughts about this lately.... WONDERFUL thoughts.  Thoughts that have taken away so much regret!!!  Especially since I can't change what happened 8 years ago!