Saturday, June 27, 2020

Time Does Not Heal All Wounds.

"Time heals all wounds."

Time and time again I have heard that phrase, most often in the last 5 years, and not so much in the last year. What I have heard, life will continue to throw curveballs, kick you when you're down, and never go as you plan.

In my adoption world, time didn't heal my wounds. Be they physical or metaphorically time did NOTHING for my wounds. Time didn't make me miss him less, think of him less, hope for him less. TIme didn't make me want to talk to his mom and dad, to see them and love them and tell them how much they mean to me. Time did nothing. Time was just that... time... Time did teach me that I must heal myself, search out help for "wound care". 

My experience, as a Birth Mother, did consist of post-placement care. I had a therapist, a group, and individuals I could talk to. I took some time to care for me and left when I felt my time was done. Sometimes I came back because I needed more help to work through new grief. I needed to work through how to be a mom when I failed the first time or thought I had failed. In and out of advocacy for adoption, and the love of a triad and people who will not ever know how much I love them. Not because of a son that was placed, but because of the people they are.

There were further moments down the line that allowed me to continue to learn and grow in what I experienced. It also allowed time to learn more about adoptees, adoptive parents, families. Two of my dearest friends, and Adoptive moms, showing me love and grace in frustrations of what I yearned for in a relationship with a family. And showing me the heartbreak and love they felt for their children's birth parents. Allowing me to be open about my hurt, and inturn them being open about theirs. I have always wondered and tried to learn of the grief that came from being unable to have a child of my own... I'll never get it... but gosh I'll try.

Time didn't heal the wounds of the hopeful man and woman who so desperately wanted to have a child. Time, even if/when a child came to them through whatever means, didn't always heal what was broken and hurt. Time didn't heal as the child grew, and love was filled, time was just... time.

In life... time really hasn't done anything but teach me. Time didn't heal a broken home, hurt kids, abuse, trauma, grief, and life that continues to move forward regardless of what any of us were ready for. Time hasn't healed me. Time hasn't healed anyone. Time can help. Time to do the work, and see a need, and ask for help from people has healed... some... but it mostly has helped. Some wounds will still be wounds, scars, bumps, pains... you can see it, it doesn't hurt, but you remember how you got it, and what it took to fix it.

Does time heal the death of a spouse, of a child, of a parent? Does time heal the emotional scars of mental/emotional abuse? Does time heal the effects of physical abuse? Does time heal the effects of affairs and dishonesty? 

Time can help. Time so so so much can help. But I don't think it truly heals. Sometimes we need the scars to remind us of what not to do next time. Some scars and wounds are there so we can help and teach others. Some are there just to remember how strong and amazing we are.

I can say if you don't do the work if you don't search for help with the time we are given... we won't "heal". If you hold on to something that hurt you or use it as an excuse to be something you really shouldn't be. If you place blame and use the "its just the way I am..." how do you ever expect to heal? If you have someone who is willing to sit with you, love you, support you in whatever it is you need to do to heal... wouldn't you want that? Don't you want to heal? 
So often healing is scary, letting go of hurt and moments that rocked us, it can be scary opening back up... what if it happens again? 

Time doesn't heal all wounds. At least, for myself time doesn't heal all wounds.

Time helps.

Sunday, June 30, 2019


At  nearly midnight, literally seconds away, I’m sitting on my living room floor... listening.
I picked my kids up today, from their dad, and we got home a few hours ago.  It was such a good day and night, it’s sometimes rather dramatic that first day home. But today... today seemed easier... more calm... more ... together.

“Ok I’m ready to go home mom.” From my tiny.
“I like the smell of our house when I come home.” My Gus
“I’m going to miss you when we leave again mom. And I miss dad when I’m here. And then I miss you when I’m with dad.” Lou
“My necklace is broken..” Roo.

These littles of mine. So different, so the same. So mine.

It’s a relief, a calmness, a happiness when I know they’re all tucked into their beds. I get to wake up and make their breakfast, do their hair, and tell them to turn off the tv. Change is hard, and it’s a lot of new stuff for them this summer. But I know they have lots of people who love them. We will make it. Me and them, even more!!!  

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Its Not Too Late


I am a work in progress. But I’m always trying, striving, hoping, to be better for myself and my kids. I am not flawless, but very much flawed. I’m practically imperfect in every way. And that is ok. Because I try, and always will.

I have learned a lot over the last 14 years, one of which is that it’s never to late to keep going, to start over, to grow, and to continue in perfecting yourself (as God wants us to). Perfecting myself as I want to. Improving myself to be better for myself and for others, because that is what I deserve and they deserve. It’s also never to late to realize your worth, and the worth of others. It’s ok to do something that someone may see as wrong(or something they wouldn’t do), but know in your heart and mind to be right(I did that 2 days ago). No one is in your shoes, except you. No one really sees the things that hide behind closed doors. And you do not owe anyone an explanation!

I have learned that I deserve the best, the best in a friend, companion, future spouse, someone to be in a relationship with. I know that the person who is that for me, deserves the same kind of person for them. Which is why I will do my best because they deserve the best me. Perfection isn’t realistic, life is real and hard. It hits you in the face sometimes super crazy hard. It takes work, sacrifice, care, faith.... and so much more. But, I know with honesty, trust, and a desire for good, all things can work for us, and if they don’t, it’s ok. Stand up, brush it off, and keep moving forward. (thanks Robinsons)

Almost 14+ years ago I felt the spirit, almost hourly. I knew what my answer was, and that decision was never questioned. I had to many “coincidences”, to many serendipitous moments, to many times of confirmation. Was it easy? No. But it was right. I knew what I wanted to become after placing, what I wanted to show that little boy I could be. I didn’t know that everything but 1 item would go un-reached. For many years I felt inadequate and like a failure. My biggest fear has always been failure. I felt like I had failed him because I didn’t make a check mark on that list. I did, however, become a mom to 4 incredible Little’s. Little people who have to go through hard things because of more ‘choices’ and our destination says we still have a bit of work to do. I wanted to be a mom, a stay at home mom, the best mom. I got that one right, even if I don’t get to be one right now, even when i think I’m not doing it right. I TRY, I trust that it will all work out, even if I forget that sometimes. I work for them, push for them, make the hard decisions for them... to show them that it is NEVER too late to go forward. It’s not too late to mark off an item on your list, to remember who you are, who they are, who we deserve to be. Who they deserve to look up to!

It’s not too late to lead, I’ve done more over the last 14+ years than I thought I would or that I wanted to(does that make sense?). I don’t know that I could trade it... if I could go back and change it... would I be who I am today? Would I love with the love I do give today? Would I have harder trials? More painful trials? Would it have been easier? Either way, it is what it is, and I’m making the best of it and doing my best and will continue to do my best.

It all started with that baby boy, and the reminder I had a couple days ago that, “I am not with you as often because I trust you. I trust you in your decisions, in your path, and in whom I trusted in your care. You don’t need me that much, you are doing just fine. I am always here, you are surrounded by loved ones, and you and those babies of yours are well watched over.”

After placing, not long after, the “high” of placement, and that spiritual giant in the room during painful moments; it began to fade. I felt more and more alone and wondered, “Why have you left me?! I can’t do this. It hurts. I miss him. I want him.” It was in a meeting with my amazing bishop at the time that said, “he hasn’t left you, he is still walking with you, he trusts you and doesn’t need to be there like he has been.”

Trust. He trusts me. I am imperfect, I fail and fall often, but He trusts ME?! He doesn’t expect perfection, nor does he expect grand and big changes always. He knows through small and simple things, precept on precept, here a little there a little... we will improve. And HE knows, it’s never. To. Late.