Friday, August 29, 2014


For real though, one time I went to Idaho about... 12 years ago.  Then I went again for the first time since then earlier this year(ya its been a while). Both times, to Boise, and both times not with my family.

This time I was able to go and meet up with my ladies from Open Adoption, Open Heart. It was the FIRST time meeting these people in 2 years. Yes, people I considered my best friends I hadn't even met in real life! It was a trip needed, worth it, and something that will be happening yearly!  So...  with no further adue(spelling peeps spelling), the timeline of meeting my peeps of OAOH!!!!

First, I got to meet up with my Candace first!!!!!!!!!!!!
I packed up my littles, and headed that long drive North, and ended at her mommas casa.  The best part was... she wasn't there!  Oh thank heavens for her freakishly awesome sister to let us in.  We waited while she drove back with the fam.  IT WAS GLORIOUS!  There was not enough hugging, and screaming, and recording, and more hugging, and loving the littles who thought we were crazy!  Truly, it was as if we had never not met in real life!:)

Me & my CANDACE!!!  ya- that frigging excited!

2 of the 5 littles exploring the house.  It was grand.

I then spent the night at the sisters, and got to be Auntie Jen for a couple hours the next morn.

Trampoline of goodness
(except do you see what is on the mountains?!!!!!!!!! )

After the sitting, I left my littles to be watched by nanna and papa and I headed to get my girls!!!!
I grabbed Candace, and then we headed to SLC to grab Amy. Amy is Candaces little man #2's birth momma.  Lucky girls to spend so much time together!
Candace, Amy, & Myself on the drive North stopped here (Idaho falls... twin falls?  or something that isn't either of those?) Poor Amy, having to hang out with oldies, who won't quit bugging her, and totally just love her guts and hopes she knows she is worth it.

JAMMIES HOUSE!!!!!!!  Seriously, couldn't get out and running fast enough!
 Candace was ready with her video!!!!!

After we got there and settled, did our little ditty of hugging, and laughing, and loving on Jammies littles, and meeting Russ, and putting our stuff in our room.  We went to eat and meet up with Candaces cousin. Then to his house for a little photo shoot (with no warning) and to meet his cutest little brother EVER!!!

After all that we ended the night back at Jammies, and ready to crash.  We'd all pretty much had it.  But let me tell you. These ladies are AMAZING.  And you would not have known we hadn't ever been real life friends ever.  its was perfect!  Birth mommas, Adoptive mommas, FRIENDS, Family!!!!

It was amazing to be hugging these girls. To be sitting next to them. To witness the pure great love of their babies. And how adorable they all were. How much they loved them. How perfect it was.  Day one was driving... and a little emotional awesomeness!

Day two - to come

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

React Pt. 2

As I said before, the way react has a big determining factor in how a situation plays out. Not always does it have a big factor, but it usually does.

Many many years i had to constantly hear about what others were saying about me after placement, and after the birth father and I finally, and completely, broke up.  I had to hear about what others were saying happened(even thought they weren't there). I had to hear about how I was being bashed.  I had to hear about everything.  Usually i got really angry and hurt.  One thing was true, the relationship was terrible.  I reacted negatively because the situation was crappy. The situation was crappy because I chose to have sex before I was married. And in turn, ended up pregnant in high school. 

I had to hear about the parents of friends not allowing them to interact with me. I had to see the judgement from where I thought I had support. Hearing about what a terrible person I was. How slutty i was. etc etc.  I had to see how my family was being judged.  How the situation hadn't just affected me DAILY. 

Now .  .   .
I still hear about people talking about me.  And about the fact that I got pregnant in high school.  I still hear about all the things "I did".  I see others hiding friendships.  I see dishonesty.  I see betrayal.  
I also see support. Love. Kindness. 

I react to these situations differently.
Now i can laugh about the idea of my past still being talked about on the level it is.  And that some people still think that change is not possible in a person.  I can smile, even if I hear a lie, because it doesn't matter. Others can read what I have written, and see something that isn't there. They can see all the bad, and miss the good. 

I react differently, because I have forgiven.  I react differently because I have been forgiven.  
In my faith we believe in repentance. We believe that our Savior, Jesus Christ, Died on the cross, and suffered in Gethsemane, for us.  He rose again, for us. He did all he did, so that we could be able to repent, and be forgiven and return to our Father in Heaven.  I worked long and hard to be forgiven.  Even after being told I had been forgiven by authorities in my church, I had to feel fully, for myself, that forgiveness had truly been offered. 
Because I had been forgiven, I was then able to move forward and forgive those who did hurtful things to me. FORGIVENESS was key to my reactions for past- sometimes present- words/actions.  

Because I have been able to fully forgive, I have been freed of that burden. I can hear/see/feel and be ok.  

I have been able to react in ways that support positivity, and further forgiveness. I have been able to attend the temple in moments of great anger, and feel the Lords arms around me. Leaving me with peace and understanding.  Leaving me with a desire to continue to share, advocate, and support my life and story.  

When we take more time to react, to see the situation for what it truly is, we are able to see ourselves in a different light.  We can not only move forward because of the time we take for others, but also the time we take for ourselves.  I have been able to take responsibility for my actions. I have been able to take responsibility for my words. I have been able to forgive, and ask forgiveness. 

I react with love. And sadness for misunderstanding. But, I react with faith that it all will be as it should be.
Be bold and brave, and do so with a prayer in your heart. 

Monday, August 25, 2014


Every moment, in every day, is an opportunity to react.  How we will react is the question that determines the outcome of most days.  How we react is the determining factor of how most situations play out.
I wake up, and I react.  My kid throws a fit, and I react. More bills come in, and I react. 
There is no moment that goes unseen without a reaction.

How we react to our adoption situations, relationships, pasts, presents, future, are big determining factors in our abilities to continue progress, or to stop progress.  Early on in my experience, before becoming pregnant, I chose to react like I was a know it all. I chose to hide, to sneak, and lie, and hide more, because of the guilt and embarrassment of the choices I was making, and the IDEA that I was in love.
I reacted to my parents, to my siblings, to my friends.  All had different reactions, and in an obvious circle, they all had different reactions towards me.  Some no longer spoke to me, some talked about me behind me back and then supported me to my face. Some supported me with unconditional love and friendship. And others, just disappeared.  

I have learned that reactions are an Enemy.  My past experiences and maturity made my reactions VERY ridiculous, or just plain naive, or almost funny. Early on in the relationship with R & S I reacted poorly, not because I didn't love them, and most definitely not because I didn't believe E was theirs. I knew he was, and I knew I loved them.  I reacted out of fear. I reacted out of the fear of being forgotten, or abandoned, or looked down upon. I reacted out of those motherly instincts that we all get. Wondering if he was OK, if there was something wrong with him, or with them. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?  Was everything I doing wrong or right?

In the post placement relationship with the birth father, I reacted out of fear as well. Fear of being unloved, fear of being used, fear of never being worth anything again.  I reacted to what I was being told, and seeing that what I was being told wasn't true.  

Post placement with the family, there were reactions that were of anger, and bitterness, and pain.  

RECENTLY, there are still moments of bad reactions.  But there are MANY MORE moments of level headed, educated, discussed, prayed, felt out, moments.  

A few of those moments go with those past relationships. 
Today I was able to talk to one amazing birth momma who placed just 1 month ago.  She expressed her concern over feeling forgotten in just a short time. And wondered what she should do.  She wondered if she was being to "present" in the lives of the new family she helped create.  Then, at the same moment, wondered that if she said something, would it ruin that relationship.  
I wish early on I had a little more help in this department, it wasn't discussed much.  It wasn't discussed because the first 6 months were determined by the agency. I guess maybe they thought that we would have it all figured out by then.  But, alas, that wasn't the case. And my communication/reaction/judgement skills were lacking.  And then again, maybe they weren't lacking?  Maybe my ability to judge a situation before reacting was being overshot by situations that weren't good.  
I notice a LOT more frequently, that the support and clarity in post placement relationships are SO MUCH BETTER.  I am awe struck seeing this birth parents grieving the loss of a child, and a growth of family, take time to assess the situation.  Before the run over and write/text/email/call saying  "WHAT IS GOING ON , ARE YOU DEAD, IS THE BABY DEAD ARE YOU OK?!!!!!!"   Not only that they are able to express themselves more fully, without coming out like a crazy birth momma.  They have learned and understood early on their rolls in their stories.  And while they know those babies have such a special place in their hearts, and special relationship that was formed before this life, they want to express their pains and questions in a SUPPORTIVE way.

I can promise that 99% of the time, Birth Parents don't express their feelings/fears, in order to hurt or deter relationships.  Most of the time they are TERRIFIED of rejection, or the complete abandonment of the relationship.  I wrote a letter a while ago. And its taken a lot of patience to wait for a response. And while there has been nothing, I'M OK.  I am not reacting.  Would I love to know what they need? Sure. Do I wonder what they need? Do I wonder what the no response means? Sure. But the thought process to my reaction is, 1. Is E being taken care of? YES 2. Are his family members being taken care of? YES 3. Are they all doing well and happy? YES YES YES
Where I am now, is knowing that what I DO know, is enough to cover what I don't know.  I love them the same. I miss them the same. I forever pray for them the same.  NOTHING changes how I feel about them.  We all get busy, they are super busy, and the reaction here is to be fine.  

I have learned to think before I speak(or write)... at least the majority of the time:)
Therefore, my life is much more simple.  
There are moments of frustration when you hear things, or see things. But reacting in a certain way deters negativity! 

React with intent to be positive. Even in negative situation, THINK, process, then react.