Friday, November 21, 2014

She Doesn't Have Days Like This

** Disclaimer **  please be gentle with me. This is hard.

~ She gets the laundry done
~ The dishes don't pile up
~ Chores get done 
~ Kids don't fight with her
~ She gets dressed, and her hair gets done every day
~ Prayers & Scripture study are daily
~ She doesn't yell
~ She doesn't threaten
~ She doesn't get frustrated

She WANTS to be a mom.

I have had these thoughts running through my mind, continuously, for 2 weeks. To the point I even wrote it all out in one of my "thought journals". Its been a hard few weeks being a mom. So... I guess I'll share a story:

I wasn't married when I got pregnant with E (NO REALLY?  I am sure you didn't know that). I wasn't married with I got pregnant with my oldest little Louis either.  (didn't know that one did ya?)
I wasn't in a bad relationship, I wasn't sleeping around, I wasn't doing anything bad... except, oh ya, having sex before I was married. There was one HUGE difference, no really there was.
My husband and I got engaged in November. We went and spent Thanksgiving with my family that following weekend to "celebrate" and share the engagement.  We had already planned that we wanted to be married in the LDS Temple (I am LDS, and you can learn more about the temple here) and we would do that the following October. On the way home from that trip we decided that we needed to change our plans. There was no reason why(at that point) for this change, other than us feeling like it was something we should do. That meant no temple marriage at that point. That meant a lot of questions, or angry people, but we felt it was right.  So we moved up the date. 
In that time we still tried to be good... ya know.. good to not sleeping together... and then I needed to take a pregnancy test in January... and it was positive. 

Lets be honest, I was NOT ready to be a mother. Yes, the circumstances were different, and in my favor (for the most part), but I was still not ready.   As we sat in the bathroom, looking at those lines, I even said OUT LOUD, "Maybe we shouldn't get married. Are you sure you want to get married. I don't want people to think we are getting married because of this. ARE YOU SURE?"
He laughed, because of course he wanted to marry me,(who wouldn't right LOL) So we talked to our families about what the situation was... and it was WORSE than the first time. I HATED every second of it! 
And we moved forward with our planned wedding date. 
So, we got married, and i was 3 months pregnant, and it was a drama filled day. And we went on our honeymoon, and I was sick, and we had a baby. 

I was not ready to be a mom.
We were living with his parents to save money. To prepare for the upcoming life change. It was rough.
he worked 2 jobs. I worked 1 job, until i almost had a baby 6 weeks early, then i hung out for a bit. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it. I thought that I would be the best mom in the world. I thought... I paid the ultimate price, and sacrificed a whole lot, so that I could be a mom, in the right circumstances, someday.  Oh boy was there a wake up call to be had.

I realized REAL quick... it wasn't all I had hoped.

She cried, A LOT.
She spit up, A LOT. And not just little spits. Spits, as in me having to change my clothes MULTIPLE times a day.  She was a great baby during the day, but I could not help her at night. I was tired. She was tired. WE were tired. Many nights her dad got up to be sobbing, and her sobbing, and I went to the bathroom and cried, and he held her in the rocking chair and consoled her. What in the world was wrong with me?!  Why couldn't I take care of her?!
 3 1/2 years later I had my 2nd of my own. Lots of curve balls thrown in before and after her birth. 9 1/2 months later, and six weeks earlier than planned, baby #3 joined the clan.

And here we are...

Dishes pile up.
laundry doesn't get done. Or only gets half done.
Chores don't get done.(or do because I end up having a nervous breakdown)
 Louis fights me CONSTANTLY, and littles #2 & 3 are joining in.
I rarely get dressed anymore. And makeup is very optional.(even if I get dressed)
I don't pray or read daily, at least not on my own.
I yell.... a LOT.
I make dumb threats all the time.
And I feel like a failure 99.999% of the time.
Right now... I don't want to be a mom.

I didn't believe anything other than S being perfect. I still believe she is. I have only been around her 6 times in 11 years, but in that time I KNOW who she is. She is the most soft spoken, caring, loving, honest, hardworking, positive person on the planet(NO JOKE).  I have been around their family. And I am equally positive that they are the same way. They are INCREDIBLE parents. Encouraging, and patient, and kind, and PERFECT.  I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see her parent her children. I wish I knew what I could do, because I am so far from being like her. 
I always wanted (and still want) to be like her. I want to be the kind of wife and mother she is. I want to have a soft voice. A loving soul. I want to work on being perfect, because she works so hard, and as achieving that perfection.

I know i have seen many adoptive families having a hard time being "perfect".  The thing is, you ARE perfect. You are prefect for us. You are perfect for the expectant parents looking for the forever family to their babies. You are the perfect match for each person you come to.  Perfection, though, doesn't mean you are perfect. Perfection, in my eyes as a birth parent, is trying daily to do your best. I want real, I want mistakes. Knowing that you AREN'T perfect is an answer to prayers. Because we want to meet your expectations. We want to be positive, and better than we were yesterday. We want to exceed our own expectations, so that if there is openness, if there is a meeting later in the years, that we can say, I DID IT!
We want to be the parents to our own kids, that you are to yours. Those children we placed belong with you. When we chose you, we chose what we knew to be right.

Does it make it better or easier for me today? No... to be honest.
Today... OK for a few weeks... I just don't want to be a mom. Because I am failing them. I am failing myself. I am failing their dad. I am failing the expectations I set for me. I am failing at achieving even the SLIGHTEST bit of perfection that She is. I am not even close. And right now, it just makes me want to cry.

So today... I'll cry... and tomorrow I'll reevaluate and post again. So I'll have to finish with this quote:

And I know it all to well.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Profile #2

What can I say about this next family? I honestly haven't met the boys:), but oh oh oh how I LOVE Dawnett.
I met D at a panel at Dixie High School. I hadn't presented in YEARS, and I had NEVER presented with Adoptive Parents. It was pretty awesome, and her story is pretty amazing!  I LOVE getting to hear her speak and share her story. I especially love that she married "the uncle" of her friend:).  

Dawnett is ... amazing. She is the mommy to the most handsome 7 year old, and wife to a equally as handsome dude(PS his name is Brad).  And they are so fun. Dawnett has such a love for adoption, for birth moms, and adoptive families. She is so generous, and caring, and truly LOVES the heck outta everyone.  

They were blessed with their little man when he was almost 1, and the bond was instant. They have such an amazing love for him, and for his birth family. They often visit each others homes, and love to chat and support each other. They are so unique in their openness and love!

Through her struggle, she has helped so many, and has been such a good voice for those little teenagers to hear!  And a good voice for adoption advocacy.  Life never goes the way we plan, there are often bumps and bruises on the way, but she has battled through.  and OH I LOVE HER!!!

So, lets get the word out, and find their family!!!!!

(sorry D- im a theiving fool, and stole your pictures off FB)

their profile: HERE

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


I may be a weird Birth Mother, but I LOVE advocating for Hopeful Adoptive Couples/Families. It doesn't hurt either when they are some of my most favorite people.   I have been blessed to help in the "match" of an expectant mother, and a hopeful adoptive couple.  It was an amazing thing to witness, and prayers were answered for ALL involved. That is a story that isn't mine to tell, but it is one I get to share that much of. The experience was surreal, and incredible. I still am in shock of how profound Gods hands are in the lives of others. How his guidance, nudges, or big pushes, put us into places where we can be of service to others.  

I have MANY friends hoping to adopt. Tonight, I want to talk about Brett & Candace.
I "met" Candace when I found the group, Open Adoption Open Heart, and I clicked with her, just as I did the founders Jammie & Russell.  
Candace and Brett have a BEAUTIFUL family, with boys Sawyer & Jamison. And they have BEAUTIFUL birth families, and oh how they love them. I can't begin to tell you how many times I get to hear of how much she just LOVES those in her kids birth families, and how she misses them so much. They love their big, grafted, family. She has also taken me in as an "adopted birth mom", and I have adopted her as my adopted adoptive mom:).  We sure love each other. 

What touched me, and drew me to love them more, was the video they had on their youtube channel, Our Adoption Option, of the day they brought Jamison home.  The love that radiated from her family, her son, her SISTER(whose reaction is what truly did me in).  You can watch it HERE.
This family love love LOVES these people, and i love them too. They are AMAZING.

Their approved and ready and waiting for their birth families, and the amazing miracle that will be their child. And I hope they find them soon, because they have been waiting and waiting. They have been praying to make sure they are doing what is right, and needed. That the timing may be perfect and right for everyone. Candace(because i talk to her most:)), has been waiting especially. Wondering who she gets to love on for the rest of forever. Wondering where that amazing expectant mom is, and hoping she is loved, and knows how much she is already loved!  

And, I'll be holding a fundraiser in the next week or 2 for them as well!!!!


Monday, November 17, 2014

National Adoption Month

November is already half over.
This year, and this month, have been the craziest (as far as adoption goes).  The amount of people I've met, heard from, befriended, its pretty much the most incredible year yet. And, I have also learned a lot.  

I have been dong the BTG Photo a day challenge,  and in the midst had a very emotional experience. I am often able to attend a support group for expectant mothers. I like to go to show that there is life after placement, that it does get easier, and that the angel boy I placed is amazing.  I don't have much experience with closed adoption(or adoptions closing after being told they were going to be open). But there are a few girls experiencing this exact thing, and others close to.  
One amazing birth mother came to show her support and share he own experience with her adoption closing after 2 years.  I had never heard her story, I had only known that 2 years after placing the family chose to close the adoption.  And NO, she was NOT one of those crazy birth mothers. She never asked for anything, and never implied she was anything but a birth mom.  She didn't want to take her, she didn't want to be her mom, she simply wanted to show her love for that baby just like we all do.
She shared some pretty stinking tough and hard experiences, and had some even more amazing advice to one birth parent in particular. It doesn't hurt to share, because she influenced more than that one birth parent, IM SURE.  
I have been back and forth about my involvement in the adoption community. About the love and support, or lack of, in the adoption community where Im located. I have been on the burner of what I have shared, and what I want to continue to share.  And this amazing girls courage and words have influenced me a LOT. I don't have a clue what Im doing yet... but I am working on it.

That being said, here's my post for National Adoption  Month.

Adoption is amazing, and hard, and happy, and crappy, and the biggest blessing that came to my life. It has brought an onslaught of love, and a very small bit of negativity.  I have met the best of friends because of adoption, and have been able to see their stories unfold as my did, with faith, and love, and fight.  I have seen, from afar, the amazing thing that is a Hopeful adoptive couple, become Mom & Dad. I have missed, terribly, the small group of women that influenced me and my story for the first time in the adoption community.  I have cried for those who have waited... and waited ... and waited... for their miracle babies.  I have cried more for those who are STILL waiting.  How I wish I could find the families that belonged together.  How I wish I could be the "finder" of those birth families, to match with their adoptive families. 

I cry with those women, who have to decide what road to take. Place a child they love, or parent a child they love. To see SO MANY teenage girls pregnant, and naive, and not worried about a thing. And crying more, when these birth parents come and share the joy and pain of labor, birth, and the few days/day they spend with those gifts from above. Then to hear the pain of placing them into anthers arms, knowing how it hurts, but how right it is. 

Adoption isn't for everyone, but it sure was for me, and advocacy can be for everyone. 

I'll be posting, daily, and little blurb about some families that are waiting for their miracles.  I know I don't reach a whole amazing number of people.  I am not "fan" material(thank goodness), but maybe someone will see their profiles and share it with the one who is supposed to see it.

- Jena

Exploring McCall

After we chilled for a minute, we went "down town", it was the cutest ever!  

It was so fun just chillin and walking around. Looking through the tiny shops, the paint your own pottery store, the wine tasting party. I just was happy I was surrounded by these women. Because they changed me. They came into my life at a time I felt broken, and breaking. They lifted me and loved me in a way I'd never been, and it was sincere. They are AMAZING!!!!!

And what do amazing people do after they walk around for a bit?

And then you go eat, and play more, and go to the grocery store at 11, and laugh and play, and love each other so much you could scream.  It was so fun. The beds were super comfy, and the company was even better!!!!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

McCall (I-Da-Ho)

The next morning we awoke, ate, and headed out.
The thing is, we didn't know where we were going(or at least I didn't), and Candace & Jammie wanted to surprise us with a night in McCall Idaho.  And a night in Boise.  We are so spoiled to have these two in our lives. This trip was just supposed to be us visiting and having fun finally meeting.  These ladies took it to the next level.  They wanted to make US(the birth Mommas) feel loved and appreciated.  They will never know what their love has done for me in my life and my journey. (seriously, they'll have to wait till we're dead and in heaven to have a clue at all!)

SURPRISE!!!!  They had planned for us all to go and get pedicures before our little weekend out together. I hadn't had one before -  then my husband reminded me I had 6 years prior(when I was pregnant with our first).  It was a bad experience:).  So I was scared.  BUT, oh that cute little Asian man was HILARIOUS, and so fun, and nice, and actually CONVERSED with us!  And, he was EXTREMELY careful with my overly sensitive and ticklish feet!  It was heaven!  

Post Tosies:  we ventured to grab a quick bite, and by quick I mean Taco bell(or time). Yes, id never eaten it before... yes... it was a bad idea. They all paid the price. And now the world knows never to have me eat that nasty sauce food.

We got the tooth for the weekend. It was a pretty rad ride(i hate nissan ps)
But it was SO FUNNY as well, and it was a blast and we loved that little tooth car!

 Lovely pictures were had while Amy and I crashed in the car. I am thankful to Candace for not posting my wide mouthed sleeping!  Oh the shame!!!  And then BOOM we were in McCall.  Well, we were on our way and saw some cool places to take some fun pictures!

Wicked nasty spider webs EVERYWHERE on that bridge... gave me the heebie jeebies

The Birth Mommas:

Adoptive Mommas
(who i so completely love and adore!)

And me:)
There were more, LOTS more, and FUNNY more... but remember my computer is dying... and now I can't locate half of them!!!!

And then we were there!!!! And it was gorgeous!

OF COURSE there was bed jumping!  On both the beds!

Ya gotta have the bathroom selfie right? I could NOT stop laughing peeps!

Then we relaxed for a minute. All snuggled. And Taren made me hate my cell phone.
Because she didn't have Internet, and was so awesome... and we were all
"uh... wheres my cell phone... gotta take a selfie... " nerds.  I have done better, because of you T:)