Tuesday, July 31, 2012

dejavu

Had a complete dejavu(spelling please) moment tonight. We were in, telling bedtime stories, and I decided I probably needed to record this one.  I went and grabbed the camera and flipped it on. As I walked into the room I hear Lou giggling, saying "kamdy-lou-ice cream-ice cream-bugga-boo-hoo".  There have been talks of an Ice cream land lately at bedtime. Usually, she asks that just her and daddy to stories(he is so much better at making those up on the spot), tonight I was invited. As I stared into my camera I could have told you what was going to happen frame by frame for the next 5 minutes. SERIOUSLY. It was crazy, and it brought peace to my soul. It brought faith that I could make it through another day in this crazy life that we have right now. It also made me fall even more in love with that little and her daddy.  

In the hospital, the afternoon(I think) after having baby E, I received a letter, flowers, and a little card from R & S.  I don't believe that I will ever have a chance to witness the moment when an adoptive couple receives the call that their little miracle has been born.  I can only imagine and hope that I will someday see that. Or, maybe see an adoptive couple find out they are PREGNANT(seriously I'd kill for the second one as well).  
In the letter they told me that they'd been told by their caseworker that he was 18 1/2 inches long. "... but in the excitement of it all I wrote down 8 1/2 inches..... one f my sisters said, "are you sure he's 8 1/2 inches? Do you know how tiny that would be?  It was then that we realized our mistake and we're really glad he's longer than a ruler."

They knew how to make me laugh, how to make me feel comfortable, how to make me feel loved. They really knew how to make me KNOW that they were so happy and grateful for us. They also are really good and letting me know how much they love HIM.  

I didn't mention this earlier, maybe cause I didn't remember, but when we met for the first time, the way R & S looked at each other when they spoke about the other, or about their lives, or the Gospel, it made my heart scream ITS THEM ITS THEM. I couldn't get over how amazing they were.  It was more than just knowing that he belonged to them, it was knowing how much they cared for, and loved, each other.  You could see it, and feel it when they were around!  

They must have trusted me as well, because at that moment they hadn't had a name chosen.  And, for one reason or another, they allowed US to choose from their top 2.  I don't remember if I told them what we would have named him if we would have parented, but he would have been known as Caleb Chandler.  If I did tell them, I don't know if they purposefully chose to use that as part of one of the choices or not; or if it had only to do with some of R's favorite scriptures in the Bible being about Caleb.  All I know is, I loved both the names, but couldn't help but be head over heels with the one that incorporated Caleb.  I was so grateful to have been able to be a part of choosing his name. It truly meant so much to me!


Those 2 were amazing. And though I could feel the love and happiness of their new bundle of joy, they were so sincere and sensitive to us and how we were feeling.  "While this is something we've looked forward to for years, it is also very difficult knowing that people we love so dearly will be hurting.  Oh, how we have prayed for you and hope you will be able to find peace and comfort."
There were many more things said in that letter, many things that have ALWAYS been such a strength. 


Its odd to remember something years later, and after you start from the beginning and move forward in remembrance.  I always told people that there was no way that I would be happy with, or be happy when we chose the couple that was going to raise this baby.  To me, it was so the right thing to do, but at the same time, in my HEAD(where Satan loved to be many times), my head told me that this was wrong, and that they wouldn't ever be good enough.  My HEART told me different. My Heart told me EVERYTHING was right, and they were MORE than GOOD ENOUGH, when I heard those words, "Suz's daughter-in-law...". Honestly, I thought it was a joke, people saying you would love them more than you have loved anyone in your life.  It was true though. And though I loved them as E's parents, I loved them more for the people they were. Their examples of faith, courage, honesty, love, and everything else. They are perfect, SERIOUSLY, and I mean seriously.  They have done more for me than I ever thought they would.  

The biggest thing they have done though, is that I have ALWAYS... ALWAYS... ALWAYS felt that they would do what was right for that little boy.  They would ALWAYS keep his safety, both physically and spiritually, his heart, and everything else as a first priority and to do what was best for him.  In turn, I knew that I never had to ask for ANYTHING.  Even if I thought of something that I wanted ask them for/about, in the following days would be a letter, or call, or text, or something from them.  They have always known. And I will always trust them in turn.

Moments like this make me feel like I am 19 again... vulnerable... scared... but even now, my Heavenly Father has let me know that this was right, and that sharing this story is the right thing to do right now!
I know that right now its not more than a story. There hasn't been much incite, much to debate, because there isn't anything to debate.  I don't think adoption is a debatable issue. It is right for some of us, not for all of us, but in most cases, should be an option at least. I am so grateful that I'd been educated about adoption. Otherwise I'd probably be a single mom dealing with a relationship that never should have been.

Sorry that this is an all over the place post... but I've been having lots of thoughts about this lately.... WONDERFUL thoughts.  Thoughts that have taken away so much regret!!!  Especially since I can't change what happened 8 years ago!

Relinquish

re·lin·quish  [ri-ling-kwish] 
verb (used with object)
1. to renounce or surrender (a possession, right, etc.): to relinquish the throne.
2.  to give up; put aside or desist from: to relinquish a plan.
3.  to let go; release: to relinquish one's hold.
 This might be the hardest part to write. As I have read over my journals and looked at pictures, its amazing what your heart remembers.  that heaviness came back, something I haven't felt all but probably 4 or 5 times in the last 5 years.  This may be harder than placement. Because this is the day that he was officially NOT mine, in any way. After we signed those papers, he was only in my "custody", I was not his mother.


Tuesday, September 30, 2012
"I felt like little by little they were taking you away from me."
 There is no uglier word than relinquish.  And you think they could come up with something better than that when it comes to giving up your rights as a parent.  In adoption, at least in UT when I placed, you had to wait 24 hours to sign the papers relinquishing your rights as a parent.  You also could not be on any pain pills that would make you incoherent(not sure if that is the word I want to use), or basically make you so you are unable to make a knowledgeable decision.
Remember how I was supposed to sign papers on WEDNESDAY? I don't know if maybe I heard something wrong, or if she said it wrong, or if it was just... a mistake, but I got a call Tuesday morning that my caseworker would be there that day to do the paperwork for the adoption.
I so completely started to panic. I started questioning everything, and pacing the room back and forth. 
"I tried to get every person - or any person - to tell me not to do it. I called my dad and mom. I even tried to get BF to tell me no,  but all he could say was that he supported me in whatever decision I made, but I knew the right one. Same for my parents."

After Sandy called me I called every person I could to ask them if I should do this.  I had tried to call my dad, probably 10 times, and he never answered. I called my mom and told her I couldn't get a hold of dad. I  told her that Sandy had called and said they were coming today, and shortly.  She got a little upset at me because I had told her Wednesday, DUH that is what I thought.  She said she would try to get a hold of him and they would be over asap.  They had wanted to be there when we signed.  
I continued to try and get a hold of my dad. Baby boy was asleep on the bed as I paced back and forth, dialing... and redialing 5 MILLION times to try and get a hold of my dad. You see, I trust my dad, he is USUALLY right:), and I knew that if he told me not to sign the papers that I couldn't/wouldn't.  I wanted him to tell me NO. I wanted him to tell me that we would do it. That he would help me, and that I could bring that baby home.  He never answered... 
Sandy came in, and along with her came 5 other people. Notary, witnesses, another ldsfs caseworker... I felt so sick... BF and I sat on the bed, with little man between us.  They had to read every single line of the papers. If it wasn't torture enough!
"My heart was breaking, and all I wanted was to give in to my selfishness. I wanted to be the one to raise you... to love you... and be able to show it. i wanted to be the one to see you do all your firsts.  BUT, i knew that I couldn't give you all you needed. A home, ready for a family. A dad and mom that were already married, already sealed, already financially able to give you all the things and opportunities we couldn't give you."
I don't know that I had cried that hard EVER in my life.  I don't know if I really "heard" anything she read, or if I really even tried to pay attention.  Signature after signature, I was DYING.
"We had to tell everyone to leave us how knows how many times, we cried and cried for who knows how long. Finally BF signed one paper so I did. Then BF went and got them and had them come back in.  The final paper was the hardest. I kept thinking of myself, you... then R & S.  We made everyone leave again. i was holding you this time. BF put his arm around me and we just cried. After a time we signed. The last one I had to sign I almost didn't.  I couldn't hold my pen, and I couldn't see. I couldn't write either. BF had to help me, I physically couldn't hold the pen."  
We had everyone come back in after it had been signed. I had my baby right against my face. Everyone left and it was just the BF and I.  The BF left to go to the grocery store, and I sat in the rocking chair... numb.
  I talked to him...
" I expressed to you how much we love you. How we were doing this for you, so you could have a better life, and be able to do everything you ever wanted.  I promised I would never let you out of my heart and mind. That I would love you forever!  I asked you to not hate me, and that I was sorry. i told you how handsome you were, and how many people loved you.  I told you R & S loved you, and I think I held you too tight, because you started to cry."

When my parents got there... it was hard... they wanted to be there so bad. And my dad felt so bad because he could see how bad i was hurting.  They held him, and talked to us about how it went, what was said, and what we were to do now.  I didn't want them to leave.  My oldest and youngest sisters came after as well. It was not great, all i did was cry... ALL DAY... every time someone came in.  I felt broken, empty, and so scared. 

 That is what you look like when you cry for DAYS straight!  I was EXHAUSTED.
And oh- that is the blanket I made for E behind us.

mama and daddy after signing... so much not fun!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Mn'M


I wrote about Mal HERE, I talked about Meg there as well.
They worked at Hogi-Yogi, and brought me my most FAVORITE sandwich every day i was a the hospital. 
They always asked if they could do anything, and always helped me.  They're GREAT, loving, kind.  They were the only girls that stayed with me through EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY moment from the second I got pregnant to after placement.  They never judged me. Though, the always told me what a idiot the BF was, and that I needed to kick him to the curb... funny how that happens.  They'd seen everything, heard everything, and knew that I was an idiot as well. Yet, they were still there, on my bedroom floor, hanging out with me instead of our friends. Even if they did go out with our friends, they still came home and slept on my floor, and told me about the night, and the drama, and the crushes:).  

We don't talk a TON now, but I love seeing them. And hearing how they are doing. Even if I have to stalk other peoples fb and blogs to see:).  I love them!

They love that little boy, and still say I was so strong. Thank you. For all you two do and did!


9-29-03

The day after we had little buddy, my heart was breaking. I kept asking myself if I could really do what I was going to do.  I don't think we told anyone but our families that we had had little man, except of course the leenie fam, but they ARE family.  I cried ALL DAY. I cried cause of something you would do, or someone coming in to see you, even if it was good intentions, I wanted to scream. Though, now, I know they were there to be a strength.  Heather, an adoptive mom and neighbor of mine, came to see me. She was a BIG help, because I knew how much she loved her kids, and I knew how much they loved her. She brought me a letter(at the hospital or after I'm not sure), that the BM of one of her boys wrote. It was AMAZING. That girl could put in to words exactly what I was feeling! And, it was hopeful knowing that someone knew how I felt at that moment.
My mom had come to visit that day as well, and brought a special package with her.
Remember those BEARS I had found?  Well, I opened the bag, and there they were. Both of them, together. We cried, together, lots, and I got lots of hugs from my mom. they were perfect, and it was helpful to have something to hold on to, to send with him and keep with me. It was the start of a cry fest.

" We had so many visitors that day. My parents came and brought Ky & Jess.  MA came that night along with your BF's sisters and bro-in-laws.  It was so hard for them to say goodbye. We all just cried.  Those sisters of his were the most kind women EVER.  Rock, Penny, my bishop, and Heather(an adoptive mom and my neighbor) came too. Too many visitors today.  Leenie, Mal, and Megan came too. I could have them there the whole time and be happy."
 big brat K! She still hadn't talked to me in 9 months... I was upset, to say the least, 
when she came to see him. She took my time away and didn't even talk to me.

 little J oh he was little too:)

 my nae, I know it is a bad picture, but its the only one I have, and its the only one that turned out that way!

 My Big sis, and Big bro, and my little buddy max.
I lived with them, they were always 100% supportive. BUT, they were also always 100% 
open and honest about how they felt. They kinda mean a lot to me, especially my little max!!!

 auntie Tass, big brat she was, but at least she smiled!


"You always had to have a hold of something.  I love it.  And you LOVED cuddling.  We couldn't put you down, and between all the visitors and us having to stay awake to take everything in, we got to take a nap; you and I.  I layed down at the bottom of the bed, with you next to me on a pillow, our heads fit perfectly together.  I loved holding you."

That day my caseworker called and let me know that we would be signing on Wednesday.  And warned me that there were going to be quite a few people there. There had to be since we needed witnesses and all.  I said ok.. probably not much more, and hung up.  I cried after that call, and could not relax. I felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day.  That night you did NOT want to be in your bed. You kept wanting to be held. So I stayed up holding, feeding, burping, and loving you.  I couldn't believe your tiny body had been in mine so few hours before.  Oh how much more I loved you.  I cried while I held you, because I didn't want to ever let you go!!"




after eating, he rolled into a little ball and completely ZONKED! completely!

no worries, we used probably 6 rolls of film in the hospital... man, if only I'd had a digital camera then!

 This is MY Leenie. She loved me so much she brought that B-Day dinner I missed here, to me, at the hospital. WAY better than that hospital food!!!  I am so glad she allowed me to be her live-in-daughter for a few months!  She saved my sanity, seriously. She is the most kind person. And she has such an amazing family.  She will always, ALWAYS, be in my life!

 This was my little brother for a while, he is juddie:), and he was so TINY.
(Judd seriously, you were so small, now you are so big and handsome and awesome!)


Remember that Missionary I "sent out", this is his mom and sister.  Let me tell you this, THAT is forgiveness. THAT, is one amazing lady and family.  It absolutely broke my heart that they were there, holding my baby... that wasn't part of their family. That I had hurt them along the way. Oh choices.  I loved them, still do, always will.



Thursday, July 26, 2012

My Lou

Having started this blog, I find myself holding my kids a little more than usual. I also seem to give them endless kisses(as if I didn't before), and look at them as much as possible. I don't know if it is the blog, and remember how much I yearned for my own children. Or, if its because of all those other blogs about families who have lost a child, or a child has been severely injured, or something of that sort. 

Today, had to be the highest of highs with all the kissing and loving.
Mostly i noticed because of how my house looked before I headed out the door to go work... WHOA! You would have thought a tornado hit it!  But, today, I held my Lou, Roo, and Kage. Roo and I read ENDLESS books, its the cutest when she looks at you with book in hand and turns around, slowly walking back to sit on your lap. Or when she tries to do so while I am holding little bro.  Lou just wanted me to do fishtail  braids in her barbies hair... then she and I cleaned up her room. Mostly she did, she will have to learn sometime, but I was there to help when she needed me to.  She needs some alone time for sure(alone time with me)!  Kage just wanted to be held, seriously, ALL DAY LONG. He was so fussy, unless I was holding him. He even got THE. WORST. sad face ever when Papa C was holding him! It was sad!  

Though it was rough with little #3, I couldn't have asked for anything better. I can't get enough kisses, enough hugs, enough everything. Playing and hearing them laugh, makes every heart ache worth it. It makes every moment, every tear, every frustration ... easier. 

I pray that my children will be safe, and that nothing will EVER happen to them. I pray that they won't make the choices I made, and that they will have a Rock of a Testimony, so that they will be able to make those tough choices a bit easier.  I can't say that nothing will ever happen, I don't think I could handle anything happening, but if it does, I need to remember today.

Little E made these moments better. I always say that there are only 1 group of people who can love their children as much as a mother who has placed. That is the couple that FINALLY gets to have their family. Those adoptive parents, only get it FULLY.  I never had to wonder if he would be loved, I knew he would. He would be loved more than any other baby in the world!!!  And I knew that, when I became a parent, I was going to take that SO seriously. That I was going to Love them and give them more love than anyone could EVER. I have not been the best parent, part of the problem being my patience, and my self worth... but I am learning a lot. Mostly, I am learning from one inspired 4 year old, who sat down with me and said, "Mommy, it makes me sad that you don't come to church with me." Tears streaming down her face. Who has re-lit my fire. Who has reminded me that its about the Gospel, its about Christ, and Heavenly Father. It is NOT about the people, because they are imperfect.  

I am SO grateful for my family.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Hospital - Delivery

I know I know, 3 posts in 1 day... but this is where it gets exciting... where my story REALLY gets interesting. Where I get to tell you about when I finally got to meet my very own Angel.

"We got to the hospital at 6:30. i had 3 contractions from the time I stepped out of the car to the time we got to labor and delivery.  We were put in room 9 and I got ready."
We had parked in the East parking lot, and went in through the Emergency Entrance.  I had to stop before we got inside, then once when we did get inside, and again at the doors of L&D.  I was tired already. I wanted to call R & S by myself. And I contemplated the WHOLE drive if I should just call them, I decided to follow the rules and didn't...

" I went and hour without an epidural. I didn't want one.. but I couldn't relax long enough to let them pass. So the mad who did them came(yup he was not the anesthesiologist, he was "the man")  I felt SO much better afterwards, and we turned on Cinderella, and waited."
Yup, I brought a Disney movie to watch while i was in Labor. I needed a distraction. i was pretty sure no one would come to wait or visit anyway, so why bother sitting there watching the clock?  We called Sand, my caseworker, after I got the epidural, and let her know we were in labor so she could call R & S and let them know. WHY DIDN'T I JUST CALL. Oh the things that would have been done differently.

oh the drugs
 I wanted to see it, not to exciting eh?!  

"A second later your heart rate dropped, and i was scared to DEATH.  The nurse came in and let me know that it was normal and you were OK." After I relaxed, so did he, and his hear rate went back to normal.
"An hour or so after that Dr. C came in and broke my water. He said he could feel your head.  A 1/2 hour later i told BF to hurry and get someone because I needed to push.  I had gone from a 4-5 CM to fully dilated and fully effaced and you were at a 3+ station. I started to push when the nurses were in there and they told me to stop and wait for the doctor.  I HAD to push... i told her that too.. and she and BF just told me to breathe.  FINALLY I could push... with 1 1/2 contractions your head was out. Your BF started to cry. 1 push later and you were out. I remember my doctor asking, "Are you sure you haven't had any other kids?" He was impressed with 3 pushes!  "You were crying and looked so cute! I wanted to hold you right away!!! They set you on my stomach and started to clean you. You did NOT like that!!"


Penny(my friends mom who was a nurse and happened to be there that night) took you over to weigh, measure, and clean you off. Your BF went with you and took some pictures. You were so little, and I couldn't help but tell them to hurry so I could hold you.  I couldn't stop crying.
" When they put you in my arms you quieted right down. BF sat in the chair and cried. I asked him to get up and together we held you.  I could tell already that you were my perfect baby boy!"

 One thing he did from the beginning was hold my fingers. And suck on his hand. We realized after that he had a little blister, right where he was sucking it when I held him, Dr said he must have done that while he was in my belly too.


Not long after Nana and Papa came to see us. They loved him so much. 
Your BF mom came as well, but I don't have her pictures.

"A minute after my mom and dad came and held you and took pictures. MA came after as well. Oh my family love you!!! MA did too, and after you were an hour old, BF and his mom took you to the nursery.  They checked you and everything was fine. BF gave you a bath and you LOVED the water. The sound and the running over your head... you were so relaxed."



"Then they brought you back to the me in a new room. We were SO exhausted. We decided to talk you to the nursery, I didn't want you to go, but everyone told me I needed the rest. I slept HORRIBLY, all I wanted was to have you in my arms! I made BF get up at 7 and go get you that next morning. "


As soon as I saw him, my heart jumped. I never knew I could love something so much with only meeting them seconds ago. He was perfect in every way. And was SO gorgeous.  I wondered what R & S would think of him... would they love him like I did? Would they think he is as beautiful as I did?  I didn't want to let him go, ever. I didn't want to do what I was supposed to. I wanted him to be mine... ALWAYS and FOREVER.

September 28, 2003

Sunday, September 28, 2003

"I had been so upset, I didn't want to go to church.  I'd missed sacrament meeting and then came to the last 2 meetings." I wore a purple dress that my sister let me borrow. I'd not worn it yet because it was a large, and I was in a small, but thought I needed to wear it at least once.
"I went home, BF had to work at the store so I decided to go with him... maybe the walking around would put me in labor.:) (real smiley face at the end of that sentence in my journal)  Funny thing, we had been there for an hour.. and I started to have a LOT of contractions!  They were coming every 5-6 minutes."
As I came out of the doors from the back dairy area, I had to stop and lean on a bread display so I could breathe through a contraction.  I told him to finish, and I just kept stopping as needed.

" We left and BF dropped me off @ my house so I could shower and try to relax. He said he'd be back in 15 minutes. I was having the worst contractions the ENTIRE time i was showering and getting ready.  A couple times i had to sit on the floor and try to relax till they stopped.  It was horrible. Leeine was making the b-day cake that I never got. So... I called BF to tell him dinner was ready. I was trying to talk and get through a contraction at the same time. I had 3 in the time I hung up and the time he got to the house.  I was in the bathroom when he got there, and I told him to hurry and eat.  We decided to leave right then instead."

I sat on the couch, facing north, and Leenie asked me if i was OK. I said I kept having contractions, and that I might need to go. It was because of her that we decided to just.. GO.  I grabbed my bag, and leenie her camera(she was great at documenting things(still is)),
Here I am.. in all my teenage labor glory. See what I said about the dress being a bit big.(maybe that is an understatement) I don't know what my sister was thinking, it didn't fit her when she was pregnant either.
As we drove to the hospital I called my family to let them know we were heading to the hospital.  I know my mom was upset, and definitely voiced it. "He shouldn't be in the room with you Jena, it isn't appropriate, you aren't married." I don't know if I said it to her, but I do remember thinking, "well we had sex, so seeing me deliver a baby can't be much worse. Plus, he is the dad, and he is still here, so I can't say no."  I get where my mom was coming from. I get why she wanted to be there and not him. At least, I think I know why she wanted to be there. She wasn't really there through this whole thing... maybe she wanted to be supportive and be the one there to help.
To this day, I do wish my mom had been there. More so, I wish R & S could have been there. 

9 days + my Girlies

You know what happened NINE days after we met, I had a baby.
And the days leading up to that were so hard.

I had a few braxton hicks(sp please) contractions here and there for the last month or 2. But the last week was SO HARD. Work seemed un-ending. The bloating, and flipping tree trunk legs were AWFUL. Seriously... kinda made me gag every so often if I saw those fat feet of mine. I will find my photos, eventually, and post those as well.(being that we move every 6 months, I gave up on unpacking...my walls are bare).  The American West Festival was over, which meant a MUCH SLOWER day/days. I liked it slower, but missed how the days passed so quickly.  I was spending more time at my parents house and it seemed that every single day was full of contractions. Most frustrating thing ever, and so exhausting. Should I call the doctor? Should I wait? Will they keep going? So many questions, so little time to do what was needed.

I had decided months before that I wanted to make E a quilt. I had seen a cute little rag quilt in the store as we were looking for fabric for something else, and knew that was what I wanted. After finding the fabric we quickly went to make it and have it ready. As time drew closer I started stressing that I wouldn't have his quilt finished in time.  After meeting A(s's sister), my mom and I went to a cute little store, Storks Landing, and tried to find something what would be good enough for this little boy. I wanted to send him home with something that he could hold.. besides a blanket. We had found TWO bears, that were exactly the same. One was large, and it had light brown/white fur. the other was half the size, but exactly the same. I wanted them, I KNEW that was what I wanted him to have... then i looked at the price tag... that was out of the option. Obviously, my funds were limited. I was heart brokent, and continued to find something for him.

 September 22, 2003
"I got to work at AWHC at 12:30, and started to have 'pains' in my stomach.  They were getting stronger and stronger too. So I got to my parents and called the Dr. He said to wait till they are 5 minutes apart, so I waited... and waited... and at 6:00 they stopped.  I was SO upset and frustrated. I started to cry. Why? Because I felt, if this was going to start it needed to be finished. I wanted to see my baby... to hold him and love him for the first time. I went down and back to Mal's at 9:30 and called BF to come over. He left by 11 and was frustrated that I wasn't with him when I started to have contractions.  He wanted to be there to help me.(see he wasn't crappy all the time)."

That night, I sat on my parents floor, between the entry and the kitchen, right in front of the stairs. Having contractions, and crying. I remember when they stopped my mom asked why I was so upset. I remember telling her that I just wanted it to be over, I wanted all the pain to just come so that I could just move past it. I didn't want to have to think it was going to start and then stop.  Now, by pain I didn't mean labor pains, I meant my heart breaking as I was going to loose him. And at the same time, I just wanted him to be with his mom and dad.

Saturday September 27, 2003

" Bf and I hung out. I started to have some more contractions... then they stopped. I was still so frustrated. But I wasn't surprised that they stopped. I had given up on getting my hopes up."

did that part even make sense. Sometimes I wondered what I was thinking when I wrote some of this stuff. Seriously, I had lost my marbles by then, or I thought I had. Time drug on, and sleeping through the night didn't happen anymore. BUT, my girlie friends continued to have sleep-overs with me almost every night. I would wake up and waddle over them to go to the bathroom. How grateful i was for them, for leenie, for her family, for taking me in, and for being so supportive.

I don't know if I ever said THANK YOU to my M&M's. Through this ENTIRE pregnancy, they were there with me all the way. They were never rude, or negative. They loved me, cared about me, and talked with my so many times I can't even count. I wished so many times that I could go out with them. That I could go to the movies, the camp outs, and all the other fun things they did with all our friends. They were my sisters. They were there cheering me on and pushing me forward. They were my family... when MY family was still so negative. I mean, I understand now why it was hard, but at the same time, I wonder why they couldn't have been more supportive. They weren't mean all the time, but a lot of the time they were.

Thank you MAL-Dawg(yes I know), for being my sister. For letting me share your family. For being my sleepover buddy. Thank you for taking me to wash our comforters. Thank you for being a better example than you will ever know. Your love and kindness did more than you can imagine, and you will be known as one amazing person in my house!
Meg- Thanks for sticking up for me, and for coming over, WHENEVER I needed you. Thank you for being my FRIEND. Thank you for my favorite sandwich, and for ALWAYS... ALWAYS being there. You will forever be a hero!













Friday, July 20, 2012

Journaling

a letter from S, after we'd sent her our package and announcement, picture and bio information.
September 7, 2003 
"... I have 4 sisters in my family and we are all very close. It's interesting because as we talk about you, its like you're our sister too. They love you as much as I do. K & D(S's sisters) are pregnant now also, and are due in January. We chat and laugh at all the fun the little ones will have.
I can hardly wit for the opportunity I'll have to wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. I can only imagine how difficult this trial has been for you, and my heart hurts to think of any pain you have felt or are feeling now.  if I could, I would take it from you, and though its beyond what i am capable of doing, I know that our Savior can and will..."
She quoted a couple scriptures: 1 Nephi 21:15-16, and John 14: 27

She was my sister. Her sisters, were my sisters. Her family, was my family. It was amazing the bond that was felt even before meeting. It was odd to feel completely empty until I met them. I wondered how it was possible to have never known a family, ever, and in a singular moment, ache to see them and be with them. I missed them as much as I missed my own family when I was away.
I was so happy to get that hug, to feel of their love. I wish there was more time in that day. 

That day, was a preview, and so amazing. I am so SO grateful that adoptions are so different now. The girls have opportunities to have COMPLETELY OPEN adoptions. They can, if it is what both the girl and the hopeful adoptive couple wants, they can go to their home, visit whenever they both agree to. Talk on the phone, e-mail, know every detail about each other... and from the very beginning.  LUCKY DUCKS!

the letter I got following our first meeting
September 23, 2003
"...Going into the meeting we were both a little nervous and not sure what to expect. As we were leaving I told S that I wished we could have sat there visiting you all day. There were so many things we wanted to ask and to say and so little time. And eve half the things I tried to say would hardly come out.
We want you to know that we appreciate the sacrifice you are making and that you are trusting s with your creation. .... We will share with I'm about our visit with you and will make sure he knows that you love him. That your decision to give him up was because you loved him and wanted the best for him.... We wish we could be there to give you a hug and to help you through the hard times. .."
from R.

That is one thing that girls have had the opportunity to do in open adoptions. There have been MANY girls, that have been able to see the couple daily/weekly, and even some who have LIVED with the couples. I wished I could have been closer to them. I always wished that I could have them there. There were so many moments that I sat there with my belly being kicked to death, wishing S could feel her baby boy. I remember wishing I COULD have them there with me. R was going to be the BEST dad in the ENTIRE world! I was so happy to have such an example for this little guy, he sure got lucky!

"... As we shared with my family about our visit, tears filled all of our eyes and the only words I could find that could come close to describing you was that you reminded me of an angel.", "...as I've thought about your comment that you hope this little boy doesn't have you for the decision you're making I can't imagine that happening at all. he will know how much you love him and he will hear how much we love you..." 

One of the things we talked about in our meeting, that sounds like it was some work thing(oh well), was traditions. My family doesn't really have that many, but my absolute all time favorite is Blueberry muffins. We have them for breakfast on each of our birthdays.  S said, "On a lighter note, I've also been thinking about the blueberry muffins. I need a family recipe to make it authentic. we wouldn't want anything but the best, especially on his birthday!"
I had to laugh, we don't do things fancy fancy, and just use Betty Crocker Blueberry muffins. What a let down ha ha. I am wondering if S and her family or R's family have a recipe? I would love to make them from scratch! Or anyone period, a REALLY good recipe!

In the letter they told me of the idea for the theme of his soon to be nursery, built around a children's book that R's father illustrated. Eventually, I was hoping to figure out what it was, then went and bought it:).  my first thoughts as I read that paragraph, OH MY WORD! How lucky for that little boy to have such a talent in his family! I was already jealous of an unborn baby, because his Grandpa was an artist! I was jealous because ALL those kids wen to college, because he would have the MOST AMAZING opportunities! I picked the best couple EVER!

They talked about sames that they liked, and even asked what I thought! I didn't even think that my opinion mattered. I remember telling the BF that I wanted his mom and dad to name him. I didn't feel like it was right of me to have a say, I didn't feel  bad about it either. He was theirs, I wanted every part of him to be theirs. And it ALWAYS felt right!

They were amazing, so amazing. I wish I could have spent every day with them!

 July 2003

August 2003

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

!!!!! FIRST MEETING !!!!!

As I woke up to my alarm this morning, I couldn't do anything but think f how sick I felt. I wasn't sick because of the baby, I was sick because of how nervous I was. I remember hearing girls say, "When you meet them it will be as if you always knew them. You just will know, it will be so easy."  Well, waking up feeling like this made me wonder if I shouldn't do this. I don't want to do this anymore. All I want to do is to go and buy my own baby stuff, so I can bring him home with me...

Saturday, September 20, 2003

I-Hop, BF thought it would be fun to go out to breakfast before our meeting. I, on the other hand, couldn't put anything in me for fear of throwing it all up!  I was so nervous, I was so scared, and on edge. I didn't pray that morning, maybe because I wanted that feeling there... that scared kind.  We walked in, and sat at a booth in the North part of the restaurant, next to the window... gosh that blue is ugly...  I sat in the west seat, he sat in the east. He inhaled his food as if it was going to disappear in an instance. Or maybe if just felt that way because I was so nauseated?  "You really should eat something, it will help you feel  better." 
I cried, and couldn't stop crying. Why was I so nervous?  
As we got in the car, I looked out the window as we drove to LDSFS and said a prayer to help me. I needed to know, again, that this was the right thing to do.  Though my nerves weren't nearly calmed as I wanted them to be... I felt a peace come over me. I was about to meet the parent of this baby. I was helping him get to where he is supposed to be.  I was still nervous, but now a little excited. I KNEW they would be amazing. I KNEW I would love them...

Were they there first? Or did we sit down and they came in after? I can't remember. I do remember that seeing S, how BEAUTIFUL, how kind her eyes were. R, so handsome, kind, he looked nervous too, or I hoped he did:).  Every ounce of fear left my body, and the hour we were together was TOO SHORT. I wished I could have left with them and spent the day together. I wished I could just bring them home with me for the rest of this pregnancy, they were PERFECT.  S, a teacher, brought a list of names with her, I wanted them to name him. Though, there were 4 names that we had initially thought of while we were deciding on what to do.  So many options, we talked about our families, about what he would get to do growing up.  I never wanted to leave there side!  

It was true, the second we met, it was as if I'd known them forever. I guess I had, really, at least before this life...  but it felt so right. They were perfect, kind, hard working, their families were great(though I'd never met them), it was ... PERFECT.  I don't know of a word that could describe how that moment was. How anxious I was for them to meet this little baby. To meet THEIR baby. 

I'd had a Dr app the day before, 142, dilated to a 2. He would probably come early, I was due October 16, my sisters birthday.  I couldn't believe we were meeting a family ... his family.. and I was due in just a few short weeks!  
That moment is one I wish I could have got on tape, to have been videoed.  I wish I could have spent days with them... I wished... for so much. 
We matched... it was destiny. Ha, little things I noticed, that she did that reminded me of my mom. Things that he did that reminded me of my dad. Oh they were perfect! My heart was full, and I was go grateful for more confirmations that this was right. For the knowledge that it was the right thing for this little guy to be with them.  I didn't know this then, but I know that, because of my choice, Heavenly Father sent E to me, to get to his mom and dad. He knew that I wasn't ready to be a mom. And that BF was NOT supposed to be a part of my life as a father of a child. He knew that I had to learn something from my actions, and so he LET me be the vessel in which I got E to his family. His ETERNAL family.

I can't remember what we did after, I know I went and told my family about them. It was a permanent high for so long. I was so Happy and was looking forward to seeing them again. I started wishing that I wouldn't have said "OK" to following the rules. I wanted to call them every day to tell them about what baby boy was doing!  I trusted them with every fiber of my body. What a blessing.




Thursday, July 12, 2012

procrastinator

I am a rEEEEEEEEally bad procrastinator.
For the past 8 1/2 years I have done everything in my power to get this off to R & S, E, etc on time. I am a horrible person, because Christmas... yes Christmas... is still at my house. This year I have a good excuse though, we're broke(literally) so I hope they know that my intentions were well.  

Any whoosers, being that I am awful and buying gifts in advance, and then not having everything ready in time, more times than not I have gifts for my little family sitting on a shelf, waiting.  One specifically is R's Fathers Day Card and gift.  SERIOUSLY. I am awful.  I did really well on Mothers Day, for real, the first time ever as well. I had all cards bought for the important women in our lives, and then even had them mailed out BEFORE Mothers Day.   What happened that I didn't do the same with Fathers Day?! Oh my blasted wretch of the world, its bad.  I blame it on the fact that we were trying to figure out how to get my little fam up to see my brother, who we hadn't seen in 4 1/2 years.  Planning baby blessings, pictures, and a bunch of other things to be jammed into that 3 day weekend.  

I hate being a procrastinator.  I hope that R knows how much I do love him. How every time I see them, him, or him with his Little's, how he answered every prayer, every hope, and every dream I ever had for that little boy.  He is an INCREDIBLE Father. He is an incredible example. He is an incredible person.  I hate to say it... OK no I don't... but I truly have the best family. They are THE BEST adoptive couple out there. And have I mentioned I hate saying "adoptive couple" about them. Because they ARE, 100%, those little mommy and daddy. I need a better word.... that people will know what I'm talking about.

Why am I writing this random post about being a procrastinator and airing out all the dirty laundry of my bad habit? I have no idea. It just came to me as I was setting up for a little party I am hosting tonight. Its just been in my mind, as I've seen that little bit of stuff, waiting, for its intended person.  

Someday, I will be better. Until then, I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME!!!:)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

laundry?

As I read over my last post, I looked at the title.. "laundry". OK, I promise I intended there to be a purpose behind that. It was because of old dirty laundry that got me thinking about my babies, and about my little buddy, and my little cute family.

I am getting rid of storage(or crap), ha ha, and as I was going through all the little clothes of my Lou, and Roo, and little Bubba Gus, my heart was full that I have the blessings of being their mom. Remembering when Lou made her appearance... looking at my nurse(and best friends mom) and asked, "What do I do now?". Everything is different when those Little's are your own.  Leaving a hospital with a baby that you named 100%, and that you get to take home to a little room just for them. Oh its heaven.

I have a love/hate relationship with Laundry, even now with how its grown. But at the same time, I am oh so grateful that it has grown.  And that it's filled with little bitty baby clothes, and that I can count on finding at least 10 pieces of cereal attached to Makleys clothing!  Toys, barbie pieces. Its amazing.

I can't imagine what it is like for our wonderful Adoptive parents, when their babies get to come home. When their laundry multiplies, when their own clothes have to be changed numerous times because of some sick babies:).  What is it like to finally have that crib, rocker, nursery? I wish every adoptive couple could know the joy of bringing home their baby.  I wish every single one could have their children with them right now. I wish they didn't have to wait!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

laundry

After writing about the experience of finding my  Buddy's family, my heart has been so crazy. Not in a bad way, but in another moment of clarity.  As I look at my little handsome Bubba Gus in his bed, my heart is so full.  After finding out baby #3 was indeed a BOY and not another GIRL, I was a little nauseous. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I would be so lucky as to have another boy.  Don't get me wrong, in any way, that I wouldn't have been happy about another girl. I would have been ecstatic, babies are more than blessings in my life.  But after having placed E, my heart really did ache for a boy. A mamas boy, a little boy that would love me as much as E loves his mama!  

As I sat in my room, the nights following the meeting of S sister, my heart was sooooo at peace.  And the feelings I had towards this baby boy were so special.  I remember praying to our Heavenly Father, thanking him, for helping me find R & S. I remember talking to this little boy in my tummy telling him that I loved him. That I knew that he was supposed to be with his RIGHT mom and dad. That if it were the right thing to keep him I would.  OH HOW I WOULD. I loved him in  a way no one will ever know, except those of us moms that place can know.  
I felt LUCKY, that Heavenly Father entrusted me with this little spirit. To trust an immature little girl, to make the right choice in getting him home.  I felt blessed that my Father in Heaven loved me enough to let me make a wrong choice right.  

One night, soon after, my parents, my 'pretend parents'(leenie and D), and BF and I all came together in Leenies home. I don't remember most of what we talked about, but I remember asking for a blessing after. As we all sat there they asked who I would want to give the blessing, my dad or D, I asked D if he would mind giving me a blessing.  You see, with the BF sitting there, I didn't want him to think that my dad was saying anything just because he was there. I wanted a no biased blessing(does that even make sense?)  
In that blessing, D said that I would find a husband worthy of me, that I would marry and have a family with.  I was a little shocked that he said that. And i felt that it was right. I think the BF and I knew that we wouldn't be together, I meant heck he defiantly showed he didn't want to be together. I was stuck because what can a pregnant girl do?  But I still had feelings for him, and was still in need of him... WHY? I had no idea why, a few short weeks later, I would find out. 

Following the conversation with S, when I told her we chose them, we decided that it would be best to follow LDSFS protocol as far as communication and openness(I wish we hadn't).  At the time, almost 9 years ago, It was protocol to only have contact with a couple through letters. You couldn't know their last name, where they lived(even though I did because we found them through Suz), and after placement you got letters 1 time a week for the first 3 months. Following, the next 3 months, they were ever 2 weeks. After the 6 month mark, you and the couple determined the amount of open-ness you would have.

We found out that week that we would be meeting our babies parents the following Saturday!!!! The anticipation was INSANE, and I was nervous the ENTIRE week.  What should I wear? Will they think our baby will be cute? Will they be as nice as I think they're going to be?  Will it be awkward?


Monday, July 9, 2012

Honesty

September 6, 2003
"Tonight BF was with a friend. It always leads to alcohol. We passed his house, I was hanging out with KC and Jody.(yup I had friends who actually hung out with me while I was pregnant) There was another car there. I walked over to say hi, and what was the first thing I see? B was passed out on the floor, and BF and another girl were drinking and making out on the couch.  BF was still as he saw me standing in the door way.  He looked like crap and smelled like alcohol. I walked outside and he followed. He even tried to kiss me as I left! WOW.  I pray this baby doesn't become anything like him.  I guess everything I have heard over the last 8 months had to be true. Because I caught him..."

"He pushed me the other day... down the stairs...physically starting to get more than a little scary."

September 8, 2003
" Tonight we talked, he liked not feeling tied down. What is he doing now that he wasn't doing when we had a title?  So many things run through my head, I don't know what to think. He was trying to justify the other girl by blaming it on my family!  Tell me, Kissing another girl while you have one pregnant with a ring on her finger, who isn't allowed to talk to ANYONE, how are you justified?  He got mad at me for spending time with my family, and that he wasn't welcome there.  So, because you aren't welcome I shouldn't see my family?
I feel as if he is trying to make me out to be the bad guy. That I should be apologizing to him.  He told me today that if he doesn't start getting what he needs then we will be over... WHAT?  if anything I should be the one saying its over. He's been with so many other girls through this whole thing... and WHY AM I STILL HERE?   He cheated, lots, just like his ex said he would."

"He doesn't have a choice when he says he doesn't want to be tied down, I'M PREGNANT, with his baby.  He said he wished he was smothered in a sense by me, because he doesn't feel like i love him. So what is it? Are you tied down? Am i not doing enough? or do you just want an excuse? 
 I love this baby, but my heart is getting the best of me when it comes to the BF. I don't want this baby to hate me or the BF. Will he ever change?"


There were so many times that I should have ran. So many opportunities to be justified in walking away and not having anything to do with him or letting him have anything to do with this baby, or the adoption, or anything.   I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do to let him be here. To keep letting him back in after each fight, each time I heard of him with another girl, after he started to physically hurt me. There was the attachment that was there, that shouldn't be.  I could have walked away had I not been pregnant. But I couldn't let it go!
There was never honesty in our relationship. And we both knew that we didn't want to be together, but at the same time, Personally, I knew I couldn't walk away from some dumb reason.  Even after it started getting physical I couldn't bring myself to have the strength to walk away.  Abuse does that to a person, whether it be physically, mental/emotional, or whatever else. It didn't help that we had been intimate, and now were pregnant, that just added to the attachment. Even if I didn't want to be with I'm, I felt stuck to him.  I thought I loved him... but the more time passed the more I knew he was NOT who I wanted to be with. And he wasn't who I wanted this baby to be around.  


Friday, July 6, 2012

Them or Them

BF wasn't sure about R & S. But said he would still consider them after we looked at a few more couples.

I wish I'd kept my wish list. 
We got 5 profiles and took them back to his house to look at. We read through each of them, looked at the pictures and it came down to 2 couples. I don't know why he didn't want the one I wanted most, but I said I could decide between R & S and that couple. They were cute, and young, and fun.  The other couple didn't seem ready to me, or at least, didn't seem as if they were the right ones for our baby.  We argued a little and then I gave in and said we would choose between R & S, and the other couple that I didn't feel right about at all.  
A month passed... and i was getting more than restless. I was babysitting for one of my old Young Women's leaders when I got a call from my mom. She said that Susan told her that R & S had been offered a baby. That there was a girl, with a baby that was a couple months old, that wanted to place. I felt so bad at that moment, not only for me, but for that girl. That she tried to parent and decided to place, months after, how hard would that be for her to do? How hard for her to do that, and I hope she is OK.  Then I thought, "Oh no! They can't take it. They are supposed to be HIS parents, not that babies."

Did I talk to R & S, or Susan? I  don't remember. I know that they were going to go to the temple so that they could have a better place to ponder and decide what they were going to do.

At that time, I knew that they were the right couple, and that I wanted them to adopt my buddy.  I also knew that I told A and them that they were IT. But the BF still wouldn't say yes or no. I was sick, and sacred. I paced back and  forth in their kitchen/dining room, praying and hoping that they wouldn't take this baby, and how awful that made me feel. I was hoping that this other girl wouldn't have them... how awful.  I just wanted them to be his parents. I just wanted BF to make up his mind, or to tell me no or WHATEVER.  I wanted to do what was best for this baby, not for me or anyone else.  

It got to the point, that the decision needed to be made. My due date was October 16, and we were already into August. . .
September 4, 2003
" Today we have an appointment with Sandy.  Last night I made a baby announcement to send to the family that I feel is supposed to have this baby. i also will send a picture of BF and I.  I personally and truly feel R & S are supposed to get this little boy.  And i also know today is the day we need to send the announcement to one of these families. It HAS TO BE TODAY!!!"

I told BF before our meeting that he either decides tonight or I am parenting...

September 6, 2003
"Yesterday was my birthday. Big Yahoo - not really. I chilled most of the day, amazed because I couldn't believe how I could have made it this far.  We went and mailed the baby announcement to R & S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was quite an experience - and i was totally afraid, nervous, hurt, and excited. It was a really big decision and BF was willing to let me go with R & S. We fought and cried for hours... he got me lotion and a DVD & CD... real personal I know."

On September 5 I got to call S and tell her that I wanted her to be this babies mom.  I called from my Leenies house. S didn't answer at first, I think she called back or I called again. She had just sent her class out for Recess(yes she was a teacher, what I hoped I would be).  I told her I wanted her to be this little boys mom, and that I wanted R to be his dad(correct me S).  I cried, and I'm pretty sure she did too:).  I said I'd let her go so she could call R and tell him.  It was awesome. 
You see, R & S and I had talked on the phone a couple times, I wonder if they even talked to me when they had been offered that other baby. So calling them wasn't weird. At the time I placed though, you weren't supposed to have contact with the couple until after 6 months.  Then it was up to you. I'll post about all that later.

Getting off that phone, i felt as if I'd been punched in the heart. I still felt that they were the right couple, that I was supposed to place this baby. But I also knew that I loved this little boy more than life its self.  And it was the first sign that this was going to be REALLY hard.

Fairy Godmother

I was working when I moved back "home".  The American West Heritage Center, where I cleaned up after people.  Actually, at that point, my legs would get so swollen they finally put me up front to take tickets.  Even after sitting I'd have to go in back and lay on the floor and put my feet up.  (another reason to dig out my pictures).  

I don't know how long my mom had worked there, but by then she'd become good friends with Susan, aka, the Fairy Godmother.  Suz lived out of state, but came out every summer to work at the festival and do the "adventures" up the canyon.  The day she got there and could talk to my mom, she asked how everyone was.  I don't know how mom responded, whether she cried or not, but when she told Suz about me they talked at length about everything. Then she asked my mom, "does she know what she is gong to do?", moms reply, "She said she is going to Place the baby for adoption.".  That is when she told my mom about her daughter-in-laws sister.  She and her husband had been trying to have kids for years, with no success, they decided to look into adoption.  They'd only been approved through LDSFS since, I think, December( or February, I'll have to check that out to be sure.).  So it seemed, that their adoption process began, or was in the works, as my dumb little "I think I'm big" moments began.  

My mom met me at the doors later that evening, and said, "Now, I don't know what you'll think of this, but I feel like you should know this.  Susan's daughter-in-laws sister and her husband are trying to adopt. And they have their papers in to LDSFS."  I know what I felt at that moment. I remember EXACTLY how my breath got taken away, and it took everything I had to stay cool and say, "Sure I'll look at their information. Do they have a profile or anything?" 
You see, with LDSFS they have "profiles" of prospective adoptive couples.  Today, they have more couples by FAR than girls that would like to place their baby for adoption.  The profiles are a couple pages of pictures, and a letter, with a little information about the couple and their families.  I had been to LDSFS before I heard about R & S. They had taken a picture of the BF and I, we made a list of things we wanted in an adoptive parent, and then they pulled profiles to match our wants, looks, and other things that fit with us.  They give you 5 at a time.  But I hadn't had any given to us yet. 
Luckily, her daughter-in-Law was coming up that weekend and would bring it with her.  I went home and met up with the BF and told him about them. I didn't tell him what I was feeling, but just told him I was going to look at a profile of a couple that came through my mom.  He was hesitant, go figure(he was always like that with me), and wanted to look at other profiles as well before we did any decision making. I pretended I was OK with that. And would look at others just to appease him, but in my heart I knew that I'd be meeting the sister of my little guys mom really soon.  I'd be meeting his AUNT!  

I don't know what day it was, I know it was a beautiful evening, and it was warm outside. I was severely swollen... oh retaining water!  My mom, Susan, and myself stood inside waiting for A to come with the profile.  I was so anxious to see what she looked like, and to see if this really was what I was feeling it was going to be.  When I saw her walking up that path, which felt like the flipping yellow brick road and she was never gong to get there, My stomach went to my throat!  And I couldn't hold back the tears. The spirit was SO overwhelming, and so strong, in a way I'd never felt before that it took me by surprise. "Hi Jena, R & S said to give you a hug from them."  I cried. Hard.  She was BEAUTIFUL, and I already could see how kind and loving she was. That only meant her sister was the same. There was no way this family wasn't the right one.  I  KNEW that this guy had just come, that close, to his family for the first time.  At that moment, I knew my role in this pregnancy. I knew that I was the tool to get him to his Mom & Dad. 

"Oh my gosh, I don't even need to look at this, I really don't.  I know that he is supposed to be with them."

We were all crying. And I was shaking(I do that when I get worked up).  We went back into the offices and sat down so I could read the letter and look at the pictures.  I read it just because, for no other reason than hoping to see more of these amazing people. IT WAS THEM!  I had found them, and the spirit was so amazing, it was so peaceful and comforting.  I was laughing at how I could be so nauseous and so happy all at the same time.  I felt like I was on a stage, as I sat behind the desk and the other 3 sat in front looking at me reading the letter, and looking at those pictures.  They were GORGEOUS, and looked so happy.  Their families were beautiful, and so talented.  I couldn't get over it... how I'd been offered so many different people to look at/talk to... and in single second, I knew I needed to see their information.

"I don't need to look anymore, I don't even need to read this, all this did was confirm it more. I know they are supposed to be his mom and dad."  

At that moment, I knew they were IT, but I wondered if I could convince the BF of that too. He wasn't active, and didn't care about the spirit, or anything like that.  I think I said that too, that I would have to get him to be OK with this too.  Hugs were given, we talked for a moment more, and I wanted to get outta there to share this with the BF.  I wish I would have hung out with them more:)


Now don't you judge. We all were crying, and I was tired. But holy moly is she not beautiful?!
Me, Baby E, and Auntie A

My cute Mama & Me
Remember that White shirt from the fair... that's it... oh maternity clothes.

Why didn't we take a picture of Susan and I?!

Susan doesn't know how much she means to me. But I do hope she knows what a BIG part she has in getting this little guy to his mom and dad! What if she didn't come back that summer? What if she didn't talk to my mom? THANK YOU SUSAN, for being the amazing woman you are.  And thank you A, for coming up, and bringing E his mom and dad! 

Group - LDSFS

LDS Family Services has a thing we like to call "Group". Group, by definition, is where single pregnant girls can come talk openly about their pregnancy, their families, their plans, etc. Any single pregnant girl is welcome, we have also had girls who were pregnant, and plan to get married, still come to these groups. 
These are FREE, and Group is a great place to get support, love, and open arms in those hard moments that come when you are single and pregnant.  

Its About Love

The above link is where you can go to look at the information about LDS Family Services and their services for those single and pregnant.  It was a blessing in so many ways.  The other thing about LDSFS, that was amazing to me, was the unconditional love, and that they didn't push me to go in any direction. I never once heard someone tell me that I needed to place my baby for Adoption. I was never told that, because I was unsure, that I was a bad person.

As I stated in a previous post, I had been to LDSFS 1 time before I moved to my sisters.  Mostly, at that time, we just discussed what I wanted, what we wanted, and what our plans were. I didn't go back because I moved, and because I felt unsure about what I wanted to do.  So when I had moved back home, I attended group for the first time on September 3, 2003.

" Yesterday was my first time at Group.  There was a girl in there that I knew, only because she came and talked to my class in school last year.  It was nice being able to talk about you(E) and my feelings!!  I twas hard to hear how some of those girls were totally left by their boyfriends or the father of the baby. But I am really excited to go again... I sort of wish it wasn't only once a week.  I am going out with some of the girls next week. I am excited and nervous."


Also, LDSFS is not just for girls of the LDS religion. It is open for any girl, of any religion. And they are amazing, at least where I was!  Being so alone through many parts of my pregnancy, that was one thing that I could always count on. And the girls in there were loving, and honest, and helpful.  It was informative, and scary, to hear the birth stories, to hear of those girls that had placed recently, or even years before.  A place where I could share everything and not have to worry about making someone else in my family upset, or in the BF family upset.  Every girl needs an outlet in an unplanned pregnancy, I feel.  There was no safer place than LDSFS to do that.