Having started this blog, I find myself holding my kids a little more than usual. I also seem to give them endless kisses(as if I didn't before), and look at them as much as possible. I don't know if it is the blog, and remember how much I yearned for my own children. Or, if its because of all those other blogs about families who have lost a child, or a child has been severely injured, or something of that sort.
Today, had to be the highest of highs with all the kissing and loving.
Mostly i noticed because of how my house looked before I headed out the door to go work... WHOA! You would have thought a tornado hit it! But, today, I held my Lou, Roo, and Kage. Roo and I read ENDLESS books, its the cutest when she looks at you with book in hand and turns around, slowly walking back to sit on your lap. Or when she tries to do so while I am holding little bro. Lou just wanted me to do fishtail braids in her barbies hair... then she and I cleaned up her room. Mostly she did, she will have to learn sometime, but I was there to help when she needed me to. She needs some alone time for sure(alone time with me)! Kage just wanted to be held, seriously, ALL DAY LONG. He was so fussy, unless I was holding him. He even got THE. WORST. sad face ever when Papa C was holding him! It was sad!
Though it was rough with little #3, I couldn't have asked for anything better. I can't get enough kisses, enough hugs, enough everything. Playing and hearing them laugh, makes every heart ache worth it. It makes every moment, every tear, every frustration ... easier.
I pray that my children will be safe, and that nothing will EVER happen to them. I pray that they won't make the choices I made, and that they will have a Rock of a Testimony, so that they will be able to make those tough choices a bit easier. I can't say that nothing will ever happen, I don't think I could handle anything happening, but if it does, I need to remember today.
Little E made these moments better. I always say that there are only 1 group of people who can love their children as much as a mother who has placed. That is the couple that FINALLY gets to have their family. Those adoptive parents, only get it FULLY. I never had to wonder if he would be loved, I knew he would. He would be loved more than any other baby in the world!!! And I knew that, when I became a parent, I was going to take that SO seriously. That I was going to Love them and give them more love than anyone could EVER. I have not been the best parent, part of the problem being my patience, and my self worth... but I am learning a lot. Mostly, I am learning from one inspired 4 year old, who sat down with me and said, "Mommy, it makes me sad that you don't come to church with me." Tears streaming down her face. Who has re-lit my fire. Who has reminded me that its about the Gospel, its about Christ, and Heavenly Father. It is NOT about the people, because they are imperfect.
I am SO grateful for my family.