Tuesday, July 31, 2012


re·lin·quish  [ri-ling-kwish] 
verb (used with object)
1. to renounce or surrender (a possession, right, etc.): to relinquish the throne.
2.  to give up; put aside or desist from: to relinquish a plan.
3.  to let go; release: to relinquish one's hold.
 This might be the hardest part to write. As I have read over my journals and looked at pictures, its amazing what your heart remembers.  that heaviness came back, something I haven't felt all but probably 4 or 5 times in the last 5 years.  This may be harder than placement. Because this is the day that he was officially NOT mine, in any way. After we signed those papers, he was only in my "custody", I was not his mother.

Tuesday, September 30, 2012
"I felt like little by little they were taking you away from me."
 There is no uglier word than relinquish.  And you think they could come up with something better than that when it comes to giving up your rights as a parent.  In adoption, at least in UT when I placed, you had to wait 24 hours to sign the papers relinquishing your rights as a parent.  You also could not be on any pain pills that would make you incoherent(not sure if that is the word I want to use), or basically make you so you are unable to make a knowledgeable decision.
Remember how I was supposed to sign papers on WEDNESDAY? I don't know if maybe I heard something wrong, or if she said it wrong, or if it was just... a mistake, but I got a call Tuesday morning that my caseworker would be there that day to do the paperwork for the adoption.
I so completely started to panic. I started questioning everything, and pacing the room back and forth. 
"I tried to get every person - or any person - to tell me not to do it. I called my dad and mom. I even tried to get BF to tell me no,  but all he could say was that he supported me in whatever decision I made, but I knew the right one. Same for my parents."

After Sandy called me I called every person I could to ask them if I should do this.  I had tried to call my dad, probably 10 times, and he never answered. I called my mom and told her I couldn't get a hold of dad. I  told her that Sandy had called and said they were coming today, and shortly.  She got a little upset at me because I had told her Wednesday, DUH that is what I thought.  She said she would try to get a hold of him and they would be over asap.  They had wanted to be there when we signed.  
I continued to try and get a hold of my dad. Baby boy was asleep on the bed as I paced back and forth, dialing... and redialing 5 MILLION times to try and get a hold of my dad. You see, I trust my dad, he is USUALLY right:), and I knew that if he told me not to sign the papers that I couldn't/wouldn't.  I wanted him to tell me NO. I wanted him to tell me that we would do it. That he would help me, and that I could bring that baby home.  He never answered... 
Sandy came in, and along with her came 5 other people. Notary, witnesses, another ldsfs caseworker... I felt so sick... BF and I sat on the bed, with little man between us.  They had to read every single line of the papers. If it wasn't torture enough!
"My heart was breaking, and all I wanted was to give in to my selfishness. I wanted to be the one to raise you... to love you... and be able to show it. i wanted to be the one to see you do all your firsts.  BUT, i knew that I couldn't give you all you needed. A home, ready for a family. A dad and mom that were already married, already sealed, already financially able to give you all the things and opportunities we couldn't give you."
I don't know that I had cried that hard EVER in my life.  I don't know if I really "heard" anything she read, or if I really even tried to pay attention.  Signature after signature, I was DYING.
"We had to tell everyone to leave us how knows how many times, we cried and cried for who knows how long. Finally BF signed one paper so I did. Then BF went and got them and had them come back in.  The final paper was the hardest. I kept thinking of myself, you... then R & S.  We made everyone leave again. i was holding you this time. BF put his arm around me and we just cried. After a time we signed. The last one I had to sign I almost didn't.  I couldn't hold my pen, and I couldn't see. I couldn't write either. BF had to help me, I physically couldn't hold the pen."  
We had everyone come back in after it had been signed. I had my baby right against my face. Everyone left and it was just the BF and I.  The BF left to go to the grocery store, and I sat in the rocking chair... numb.
  I talked to him...
" I expressed to you how much we love you. How we were doing this for you, so you could have a better life, and be able to do everything you ever wanted.  I promised I would never let you out of my heart and mind. That I would love you forever!  I asked you to not hate me, and that I was sorry. i told you how handsome you were, and how many people loved you.  I told you R & S loved you, and I think I held you too tight, because you started to cry."

When my parents got there... it was hard... they wanted to be there so bad. And my dad felt so bad because he could see how bad i was hurting.  They held him, and talked to us about how it went, what was said, and what we were to do now.  I didn't want them to leave.  My oldest and youngest sisters came after as well. It was not great, all i did was cry... ALL DAY... every time someone came in.  I felt broken, empty, and so scared. 

 That is what you look like when you cry for DAYS straight!  I was EXHAUSTED.
And oh- that is the blanket I made for E behind us.

mama and daddy after signing... so much not fun!

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