Saturday, June 23, 2012

the baby

Its a mixed moment about this post.
There are so many things that i could/can/will say about the little buddy that was growing in my tummy, so it may be a little scrambled.

Initially I thought that there was a wee baby girl growing in that belly of mine. For days and nights I wondered what she would look like, and wondered if she was gong to be mine, or if I was going to kill myself and let her go.  I remember feeling so much LOVE for this little thing inside me I COULD have died. I remember thinking that there was no way I could end something that I felt so utterly in love with, and it was just a little kumquat of a thing.  
I remember sitting in my bed, next to my nephew, sleeping(well he was sleeping I was up thinking). All of the sudden there was something MOVING inside of me. I remember it soooo clearly. I remember that more clearly than I have with any of my children.  I remember lying on my side and feeling his had or foot move from top to bottom. It gave me butterflies, and I cried. I guess it made that moment real, it made the pregnancy real, and it made everything more necessary.

At that moment I felt there was more to consider during this time of wondering than just myself and the birth father. I needed to consider this baby, and what "she" was going to be when she came to this world. Would she feel loved? Would she have to go back and forth between the BF and I? Would our families be OK with us? Would she resent us because she'd probably be in the middle of the ugliest fights of all time?

I knew that I would love her, I knew that i would do all i could to protect her. I knew that I would do my very best to provide for her. I could parent... I would have help from my family... I could do it with her BF being there on the sidelines taking her every other weekend.  Or could I? Did I want her in Daycare every day? Did I want her to be raised by me or by the daycare provider and only see her for short moments before she went to bed?  Did I want her to come to this world, not sealed to me? Did I want her to come to a broken relationship, with everyone hating everyone? 

I wanted her to have a Mom AND Dad. Parents, that were sealed, and could be sealed to her. I wanted her to be able to do WHATEVER she wanted to do. I wanted her to dance, play sports, go around the world... I knew that I couldn't give her that being a single mom. And that is when I realized that the ONLY person I should be thinking abut in my decision making was this little baby I was carrying.  I needed to think of her little spirit that God had entrusted me with carrying, since I was a fool and made a choice to have sex before I was married.  I needed to think of what was best for HER, not ME, or HIM.  That was the moment that I officially chose to Place my child for adoption... though I don't think I told anyone. It was too hard to admit.

When we went to the Doctors office for our ultra sound, I sat in the chair, facing away from the front desk. I sat there, on a long bench, and I KNEW it was NOT a she... it was a HE. I almost threw up because of that overwhelming "knowledge" I'd received. And, well, that love GREW.  As I layed on the table and everything was coming up in the green, we got to the point of finding out if it was a boy or girl.  I still felt sick, and still felt more in love with this little guy than I did before I got to the office. 
We went back to my sisters house... and I handed her the pictures from the Ultrasound and blatantly said, "Its a boy..." I started to cry and walked off.  I wasn't mad, and yet I was sooo mad.  Why did I have to love him more? Why did I have to be in this situation? I wanted that little buddy of mine SOOOO much. I wanted him with every fiber of my body. There was just one problem, I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was supposed to be with someone else.  I knew that he already had parents out there that were waiting for him.  And that since his BF didn't want to be together, or get married, or anything else, I knew it was the right choice. 

Would I have kept him if I was in a better position to raise him? I would have LOVED to keep him. I still hear that I made this choice alone without the BF. I didn't make it alone, and if the BF had wanted to keep him he should have said it. I wanted to keep him, I didn't want to give away my heart. But, not once, did he EVER say that he wanted this baby.  And there were more than this moment, where I wished he would say, "I want him.".

The months went on, and I love this boy more and more and more. How was I going to EVER choose a family for him? How was I EVER going to place him in someone Else's arms? HOW?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


I was able to take a little "vaca" to the North to visit with my family this weekend. A little reunion with my big brother, his wife, and daughter, whom I haven't seen in 5 years! It was jam packed with events.

He made a few comments about why he moved so far away, and stayed there. Comments about how he'd chosen to handle situations the wrong way, and treated some people really bad. He wanted to stay away, and live a certain way, so that he could(in my eyes) erase it. 

I thought when I moved away, to my sisters, that I was moving to be able to graduate. I didn't feel like I was running away or trying to hide my pregnancy. In fact, I went back up to hang out with friends as much as possible. It didn't work out that way, mostly ever, but that's another post for another day.
 It didn't end up working out that way, being able to walk across that stage. I didn't get to graduate. I thought I was BEYOND on track to go walk with my class, the let me know DAYS before the end of the year that they apologize and they were wrong. There was no way to get those packets done in time.

So, I went to my High School graduation and sat with my friends family, and the BF. 
I sat in the basket ball "arena" of the local college, and watched as my friends participated and walked in our Graduation. It was so unbelievably hard. SO HARD. It was hard sitting there, with a mini belly, hearing their names being called. I cried, lots. I felt like such a pile-o-poop. I felt worthless and as if I should have tried harder. I could tell you exactly where I was sitting, in that orange stadium seat, south side, 5th row up. I wore a plaid skirt and white shirt, and flip flops.  I walked down to the floor after they threw their hats up in the air, and watched them all take pictures together in their Cap and Gowns. I watched as they held their diplomas and cheered in excitement. I watched as parents, and some students, stared at me as friends gave me hugs and we cheered for their success. Getting a hug from my Casey, one of my Best Friends, as he whispered in my ear how he wished I would have been there with them, and how he was sorry for not talking to me. Telling me he was just so angry with my choice.  Getting hugs from my girlfriends, and that I couldn't have been happier for. 

I wish girls, and boys, would realize all that you can loose from being irresponsible. 

I couldn't write about graduation in my journal. All I wrote was, "I went to my HS Graduation.... and it SUCKED.".  It did, especially when they all went to grad night, to Village Inn, and invited me... But I couldn't go because the BF wanted me to go with him. LAME!  All that was lost and sacrificed because of that choice...

Choice, have premarital sex, USED protection...
destination: pregnant, single, loss of family, loss of education, loss of friends...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Why Not Abortion?

There were many reasons that I did not choose an abortion.

1. I was not comfortable with it.
2. I had was against my religion.
3. It was the easy way out (in my opinion)

Here is an official statement of the LDS church on abortion,

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes in the sanctity of human life. Therefore, the Church opposes elective abortion for personal or social convenience, and counsels its members not to submit to, perform, encourage, pay for, or arrange for such abortions.
The Church allows for possible exceptions for its members when:
  • Pregnancy results from rape or incest, or
  • A competent physician determines that the life or health of the mother is in serious jeopardy, or
  • A competent physician determines that the fetus has severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth.
The Church teaches its members that even these rare exceptions do not justify abortion automatically. Abortion is a most serious matter and should be considered only after the persons involved have consulted with their local church leaders and feel through personal prayer that their decision is correct."
The link to the statement is HERE. There is also some additional information about my church's beliefs on that HERE

Even though I was stupid and young, I knew that just because I was irresponsible and immature, did not justify this life inside me being killed.  I have, since I became pregnant, thought this; "If I thought I was mature enough to have sex, I thought I was mature enough to deal with the things that could happen." I use that quote often, to young girls/kids. Because I believe that if someone thinks that they are mature and responsible enough to have sex, they must thing that they are mature enough to deal with a pregnancy, or even an std.

I was not raped, and this baby was not a threat to my health, and it was healthy.  I don't feel that my choice in adoption was an easy way out either. I feel that I made a mature and responsible decision to place my child in a home with 2 parents, who loved each other. I chose to give him MORE than I possibly ever could, and to have him somewhere stable, safe, and he would be with them eternally.  I made the choice to have sex, therefore I made the choice to accept the consequences of that action.

The night we told the BF's dad, he asked about an abortion, our answer was no.  I don't know if the BF really didn't want to have one, or was being respectful to my feelings. Either way, I am grateful that he supported me in my decision to not have an abortion.  However, his dad disagreed. I'd never seen his dad as much as I saw him in those first couple weeks after telling him of the pregnancy.  And in all the times I was around, he asked me if I wanted to have an abortion. Even, at one point, telling me that he would pay for it, and I could do it somewhere else so that no one would know. And then, no on would ever even know that I'd become pregnant.  I didn't not want to have an abortion so that I wouldn't be judged for being an unwed pregnant teen. (did that even make sense?)  I would know, every day, that I had a baby, and I took its life. I took its chance away at life. I would know that, even if I didn't want him, that there was a family somewhere in this world that DID want him, and would have done anything to have him.  
Finally, after being taken to dinner and being talked to again about it, i firmly said no. And, if I remember right, the BF told them not to talk about it anymore.  His dad disappeared... and I don't remember seeing him all but 1 time in between that night and the birth.  

I don't feel that having an abortion is right, when a girl makes the decision to have sex before marriage.  If you are not ready, or are to young, or feel that being a mother/parent right now is not right, then think of the child, and all that he/she deserves. There are so many families who can't have children... who are waiting and trying to adopt!  Its not an easy way out. It is not a cop-out, it is a mature and DIFFICULT decision.  So difficult, that I didn't finally decide, FULLY, that it was the right thing for me until sometime in August. I had E in September...

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


In the first few months of my story, there were many reactions, good and bad. Mostly bad. 
As a Birth Mom, there are so many things that I can think of when someone asks me how they should react to someone telling them they are pregnant. 

There is never a way to make a reaction to a pregnancy out of marriage easy, especially when you've been raised and taught to know better.  I know I've been on the end hearing, "I'm pregnant", a couple times. 1 time before I'd experienced being a pregnant teen and 2 times after.  The first time I heard, I didn't really "get it". I mean, I understood what had to happen to make a baby, but I guess it was really mostly shock that it actually happened to someone I personally knew.  Also, I was only about 13 when that time happened. 
The reactions when I became pregnant came with mixed emotions.  I can COMPLETELY understand how hard it is to find out someone you love dearly has become pregnant out of marriage. I can attest, that being on the receiving end, its not easy telling people you love that kind of thing.  

I had siblings not talk to me for MONTHS(pretty much even up to a year AFTER I had the baby). I had a lot of people blame me for ruining things for them. I was even told that I was the cause of a divorce that was now going to happen.  Remember how in High School everyone is retarded, well, I'd been called every name in the book, not only by people I thought were friends, but by their parents. 

Reacting to an unwed pregnancy is hard.  I would not say that if you feel betrayed, shocked, upset, angry, etc etc to not show it, but you can show it in different ways.  Before you start spouting out a bunch of ticked off comments, that you will probably later regret, wait, and really think about it.  Believe me, the two different reactions I got, the worse was my mom telling me how disappointed and hurt she was. And seeing the hurt in her eyes. It wasn't as bad as being told what a whore I was and how I "trapped" him into this ... yadda yadda yadda.  Did those things still hurt, YES, by gosh they did! But my mom still to this day kills me every time it comes up. I see how bad I hurt her!  If you can't be "supportive", let them know you can't right now. Let them know you are disappointed and hurt.  Don't yell at them, they already know what they did. Well, most of them know and are feeling like crud anyway.

Given that I've experienced being a single teen first hand the most recent time hearing that someone I loved was pregnant, i had a strange reaction.  My first thoughts to myself were, "Well, that's not a surprise."  Then, "This is going to kill the mom.... you are an idiot... what are you gong to do?"  Then I told her, "Well that sucks, I'm sorry, and what are you going to do?"  I know that being asked, what are you gong to do, is kind of a dumb question at that first moment.  I don't now if any girl would know, let alone admit, that they knew what they wanted to do.  But, it still gets asked.

You can't make someone do what you think they should. You can't make someone listen to the things that come out of their own mouths that makes you want to smack them upside the head and yell, "HELLLLOOOOOO, do you not hear yourself?"  I heard, "I'm just not ready to be alone, I want someone to be with me... I can't do it by myself yet."  Well, funny, when you chose to be a single parent you chose to HAVE to be ready to do it alone. Though someone may feel that they SHOULD place for adoption, and they don't, that is up to them.  You can be upset with them, but its going to do no good to hold it against them forever. Also, that child will need a lot of love and support.

So I guess, In this jumbled mess of a post, that my suggestion, is try to be NICE about how you feel. Don't be degrading, rude, or whatever else. If you can't be those things, don't talk to them about it. Don't ignore them for months, don't talk about them to everyone else and not say it to them.  Be honest, pray, and do whats right... but probably not easy.

now what?

I guess at this point, its where it all gets blurry, and where I'm not sure what to share or how to share it?  

After the week that everyone found out, and I'm sure the whole valley knew by that point, I moved home. I moved out of the Missionary's house(ok that sounded off, not the missionaries house, but his families), and back home. I was there for a week and then moved Utah Valley to live with my sister and her husband and their little boy.  I know it was hard for them to have me there. I tried to be helpful, but I failed mostly(at least that's what my journal says).  I wrote once in April, and again in June.. 

June 9, 2003
"I guess there are a lot of reasons why you write everyday. So you can go back and see all of what led up to something."
" BF and I are taking a "break" it sucks. I went home this last weekend to take the car back. it was BAD. I got to see M & M, and we had a sleepover. I went to see BF and we went to a movie. We talked about stuff and are thinking that we are set on adoption.  When I got home my dad FREAKED. I don't know why. i ended up walking around town from 1-4 in the morning.  Did my family come looking for me? Did bf answer his phone? Of course not. That night answered a lot of questions.  I got back to the house and slept till 8:30, I was FREEZING. . .
BF came to visit, he came to a Dr appointement with me and we heard the heart beat. After, we got in a fight and he left. He is good at leaving."

I moved down to my sisters in an attempt to be able to graduate on time. And, well, my parents thought it was a way to keep the BF and I apart. Which, kind of worked. Either distance makes the heart grow fonder, or makes you realize what a piece of crap someone is.  When I got pregnant, and the BF said he "loved me", I for sure thought we would keep this baby. I thought that we were going to work. You would think that, right? He wanted a break... for a week... and then we were back together. Well, ask back together that you can be 100 miles apart.  I had heard from MANY people that he'd been with a girl, maybe 2. I wasn't surprised, but I still wanted to be with him... WHY?!!!!  Why would I want to be with someone that didn't want me, or our baby? And then, maybe he did want him, and just never said anything because he didn't want me?  I didn't really want him either, but I was pregnant and young, and dumb.  There were lots of drives to and from north and south. There were lots of fights and talks and me being confused. 

I'd gone to LDS Family Services 1 time before moving to my sisters. I met with Sandy, and we talked a little about the situation. About how our families hated each of us, how we weren't sure what we wanted to do, how our relationship was. We talked about some of our options, Getting married, co-parenting but not being married, single parenting, adoption. And, as I said previously, an abortion was not an option.
  In the end I didn't go back; not because I had been offended or felt like I was pressured to do something, I didn't because I moved. And I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what I should do.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

April 7, 2003

journal entry for April 2003:

" I moved here to Orem 2 weeks ago. It really really stinks. I really miss my mom, I hate hearing her cry, and feel its all my fault that my family fights. I guess it basically is."

" I really miss 'him', and I have really thought about us being broke up.  I would sit here, in Orem, thinking about him... I'm having his baby for Pete's sake... I just want to be civil."

High School - being pregnant

my little sister, the one I NEVER got along with... and who I told I was pregnant on her Birthday...
The next day, before I could go tell my friends myself, the ENTIRE school knew that I was pregnant.  She was awesome, and so mature(i mean i was so much more remember), and felt it necessary to tell every single person that I was pregnant. 

Now, it wasn't as if I was going to try to keep this a secrete, but I wanted to tell my friends. I didn't want them to hear from anyone else. But, I guess that is what happens in a disgruntled family, angry sister, wanting to get you back kind of thing.  I had called both of my best friends so I could pick them up from school and tell them. I don't remember them being mad, they were surprised, and disappointed.  They'd heard, and wondered if it was really true. But every one else knew, everyone. My friends all knew, and some of them STILL act weird towards me.

The thing about this small town I grew up in, there are people who are SUPER judgmental. Do not get me wrong, I know that when you find out a classmate, a friend of a classmate, or a daughter of a neighbor is pregnant and a Sr in high school all sorts of things are bound to run through your head. I'm sure people started talking about what a slut I was (an this I'm not kidding, things really were said like this).  Talking about me going off and getting married(uh, i got married? New to me.) Parents not wanting their kids to hang out or talk to me anymore.. yadda yadda yadda.  It was hard, very hard. Especially, like I said, because I'd never had sex before, EVER. It was hard seeing people that I thought were my friends ignore me. It was hard seeing them talk about me, and especially those I thought knew me better than that. 

It was hard thinking of continuing school... wondering if I even could... could I handle going there every day with my huge belly?  

As a Sr in High School I took a class where the teacher had an panel of girls. They talked about their experience with adoption. That they weren't the girls that slept with everyone, or had even only had sex one time.  I remember sitting in my chair thinking, I could NEVER place my baby for adoption if I got pregnant out of marriage. I couldn't imagine having sex before I got married either so I didn't think of it much. I remember hearing them tell of how they were treated in their religious groups, friends, family, etc etc.  I never thought I would end up being one of those girls.

It was amazing seeing the people that were my friends, and who were not. People who still tried to keep in contact with me and see how I was doing, and those that would avoid me at all cost.

I remember specifically one girl, J, whose mom told her that she was not allowed to speak or talk to me ever again. The funny part about this, is that she and her boyfriend had been sexually active since... forever. They were actually the friends of the bf. She got me in contact with the bf, and it made me so angry. It made me angry that she could let her mom be so rude and, well, i guess do what most any mom would probably do. BUT, do it knowing that she had been doing the same things, longer than I ever had. 

I remember thinking... how am I going to tell J, and his family.  I was SO disgusted all ready.. now I got to add his family to the disappointment. 

Would anyone want to talk to me? To be my friend? Would they be mean? What would my parents say to people who asked about me? What would I say?  

So many questions... so many options. And all I could think of was how much I was going to be judged. And how much I probably deserved it.  I know I wasn't, personally, the kind of person to bad mouth a girl who got pregnant. Mostly, I was just sad for them that they put themselves in that position. That they were in the spot to have to make some super hard decisions.  I was sick over being right there with them... and so confused.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Education Pt-2

This whole "schedule" thing that you can do on here is great... cause its moments after I've scheduled the first that I can come back and have another ready for later.

I want to clarify a few things regarding education, or mostly regarding my comment on being a stay at home mom. Here is my first thing... I know that going to college isn't for everyone. I know that it doesn't make a person any worse or better than another(ha, yes, i just said that after saying I am a failure). I know that you can still be successful in life even without a degree.  I do know, as well, that it can make things a lot EASIER if you do have a degree.  My dad made a comment to me a while back, that had he taken eve just one class per semester, he'd have his PH.D right now, and be making over 100,000.00 a year(doing what he loves to do).  He has been very... adamant.. that the members of my family go to school NOW. He knows how difficult it can/will be, but he also knows that it will be worth it.  And to me, it seems so daunting. Trying to go to school with 3 kids... but people do it ALL THE TIME right?   I also know, that if I wasn't in the current situation, then I'd probably not feel this way, at least not to this degree. 

Another part of my destination, trying to have the faith in my Heavenly Father to guide me and help me be able to do the things I need to.  Both with school, work, and my Family.

Being a Stay at Home Mom:  I hope that I didn't come off sounding like being a mom is a bad thing, that being a stay at home mom isn't ... important.  Honestly, I never want to "work" again.  I wish i could stay here, EVERY SINGLE DAY, and help shape these Little's of mine.  I think there is no better calling in this world than being a woman, and being able to do all the things we do. I LOVE being able to carry my children, and bring them into this world(oh how I wish my adoption friends could too) another post for another day).  I love holding them, and singing to them, teaching them.  I love listening to my daughter count to 100, and want to learn more. I love reading to them, and watching their eyes light up as they see and hear something new.  Being a mom is a HUGE job, cleaning, cooking, driving everyone everywhere.  Its a lot of work. I think those mothers that work and are moms are INSANELY tough. I have worked on and off in the last 4 1/2 years, and the last job I had was the worst, only because EVERY TIME I would leave for work, little Lou(my #1 K), would scream and cry and cry, even after I left.  It is so hard!  i hate thinking of starting that all over... with 3 now!

So I guess, go to school if its right for you, or maybe even if its not. Take one class at a time. 

I am a memeber of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as a Mormon.
In my faith we are taught : "For members of the Church, education is not merely a good idea—it’s a commandment. We are to learn “of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad." President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, October 2009 General Conference.
Its also stated in another book of scripture, Doctrine & Covenants 88:79-80
I really need to start dong some research!
All in all, our lives can be bettered by education. At least mine can. Even if it is just to be able to teach my children.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


When I was a junior in HS, at the beginning of the school year, one of my classmates was pregnant. At least, I think it was my Junior Year?  
Any-whooser, she came to school, everyday. As her tummy grew she still came, and she carried herself with confidence. She was in a class of mine as well, and I never knew how to approach her. Mostly, we said hi, and talked about other things. Never about the pregnancy, baby, boyfriend(or not?), or anything else surrounding the situation.  She came back the next year, not pregnant.  I didn't know until long after I'd placed that she did as well. The difference between her and I ???  She graduated with our class, I didn't.

Yup, I did not graduate from High School. I am not proud, in any way, to say this publicly. I do not love sending out job applications saying 'GED'. For me (and seriously, this is my personal feeling) a GED isn't anywhere CLOSE to a High School equivalency. You can take the GED at pretty much anytime, at least that I am aware, so I didn't/don't feel as if its worth a dang. it is SO embarrassing, and rips me apart every time I go to a graduation, or think about college, or apply for a job. It truly is one HUGE thing that STILL eats me alive every single day. Especially now. 

I always wanted to go to college. Even today I still want to go; photography, art, teaching, music, hair. Those things I would LOOOOVE to get a degree in. I am a Picture Nazi, and also known around the extended families and friends as the Paparazzi. That's fine, I have the memories you don't:).  

I tell everyone and anyone GO TO SCHOOL. I can't hold back, its kind of a big deal, and its a soapbox.  If for any reason, because you'll have something to fall back on if you come to a point in life where I am at.  I am a stay at home mom, and I wish I could stay  that way. BUT, I also wish I could stay that way and not have to worry about bills, rent, stuff the kids need... I know everyone worries about those things, but your husbands haven't lost 6 jobs since 08. OK, so some people have probably gone through the very same thing with that. Right now, we're SCREWED. And all I can think of every day is, "I should have gone to school."

There is not a job here that will pay me enough to put 3 kids in Daycare and work full time. Basically, I can't even get a job a McDonald's because I don't have a flipping college degree(no matter what its in).  I could go make 7 bucks an hour, and work 40 a week, and still not be able to cover the daycare. And don't get me started on Daycare, its another post for another day.  I HATE this whole thing. I hate that I didn't just kick my "teachers" butt for telling me, "You only have these 3 packets left and then you will graduate..."  Then weeks later, too close to the end of the year, say, "Oops, we miscalculated and you won't have enough time to finish the 40 other ones we didn't have you do..."  SERIOUSLY.  No one likes to hire me, cause they think I'm a dropout... they think I didn't care... at least that is what it feels like.

If I had gone to school, if I had graduated and achieved that goal, I could find a job right now and contribute to my family. I could help in this time of CRAP. 

If I had gone to school, I wouldn't feel like I failed little E, and his family. I wouldn't have to look at my 4 year old and feel like a failure when I have to tell her, "we can't do that." or, "No, I don't have the money.".  I would be able to get them the things they NEED, not even wants, I just want them to have what they need. It is really hard on my self worth/self esteem going through all this. Not having anything... and all I do is sit and dwell on the fact that I can't go to school now... HOW would I go to school now?!

If any girl came here, who was in my situation, who got pregnant and was currently in HS, or going to college.... DO NOT QUIT! Ignore the stares, the snide remarks, back stabbing, all that. Focus on bettering yourself for your future. Finish school, and work hard at it. DO YOUR BEST. Make the best of a bad situation.  I wanted to finish school so I could tell E, and my own kids, that I finished, even after making bad choices and being irresponsible and becoming pregnant in HS.  
I can't. And tonight, its eating at me... bad!

I wonder if things will ever be good again. If we'll get through this and be "on top" again... I'm starting to wonder.
I know this is kind of all over the place with the whole idea of this blog. But I have to hope someone will learn from me and FINISH. Don't end up like me, with 3 kids, not able to support them!

Monday, June 4, 2012

telling the family

What were my thoughts those next few days? What did I contemplate? What did I feel?

I keep looking over anything I had at the time I found out I was pregnant, and I never updated consistently. I wrote that we went to So. Utah the day after we found out. And we told his "second mom" first. After that, his dad, and I wrote a letter to my parents. He decided that he was going to tell his mom alone(that was a good idea considering she DESPISED ME).  

I wrote a letter to my parents. Why? Because I was so disappointed, and I couldn't bare the thought of my moms face after me telling her. And well, I thought my dad was going to murder me right then and there. I wrote the letter the night we got home from So. Utah, and didn't give it to them for 3 weeks. Remember when I said that my mom knew the moment I was pregnant? I didn't want anything to be true. I didn't want to disappoint her, it was going to kill her.  And, I was disgusted with myself. How, after 17 1/2 years, did I end up sleeping with 1 person, and was the one to end up pregnant? Why didn't all those girls I went to HS with end up pregnant, when they slept with SO MANY?! I was so mad. I was so scared. 

When i finally went over to give my parents the letter, my little sister and I got in a fight(that wasn't unusual at all). So, I did the big kid thing and left the letter on my parents dresser... and left.  I told them there was a letter on their dresser as I basically ran out the door.  Even before I had gotten back to L's house, there was a message from my parents telling me to come over before school...  AAAAAHHH One of the longest nights ever.

After I got up and ready I drove to my parents. I walked in and was as quiet as possible. I sat in the Recliner and waited. I could hear them getting ready themselves. My dad walked out first, and then went and got my mom after he saw me.  I don't know what all was said, I know that I cried and cried. They let me stay home from school and we talked a little about if I'd though about what I wanted to do. At that point, I didn't know.
We talked about who would tell my siblings, and so on and so on. I told my little brother and sister, I don't think the youngest quite got it the moment I told her, at least I don't remember her getting it. My little brother was pretty mad at me, but gave me a big hug.  I think my mom told my older brother and sister, and I told my oldest sister. My older brother said I was an idiot, DUH, I already knew that. And I know he felt bad, because he's also had a baby in HS. And, it didn't end well for him(admittedly he was a dink!).  My sister just older than me ignored me(which she'd already been doing since i moved out).  My little sister... the one I got in the argument with... it was her birthday, and they had me tell her after they got home from their dinner. She was furious, mostly because I'd treated her like dirt for the things she did/had done, and I end up pregnant. I was a hypocrite to her. And, well, I was to me as well.  I don't remember what everyone said, or how they all reacted. But I know it was hard. The hardest thing I'd had to do so far in my life. 

The BF told his mom, by himself. My parents agreed it was a good thing I was there either. I am not sure if it was before or after finding out I was pregnant she wanted to meet with my mom.  Basically, this woman blamed the ENTIRE situation on me.  Apparently it only takes ONE person to have a baby, and I forced him to sleep with me. I wanted to get pregnant, at least that is what it sounded like. I do remember, she did(for sure) blame it all on me.  I was furious about that, because I'd never done anything remotely close to this in my life. I had never been one to go around doing things with boys, and I wasn't one to just go ahead and sleep with someone and TRY to get pregnant.  I couldn't change what happened. But I chose to ignore her, and try to figure out what we were going to do.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Two Pink lines - pt 2

February, 2003

It was in the evening that we went back to his moms house. I don't think we said a word the moment we got there until I came out of the bathroom. I don't know how long I was in there either before I finally got the nerve to pee on the stick.  I think I paced for a while before I finally just did it. As soon As i put the cap on the end... there were those little pink lines, that fast, that bright. I about threw up right then. I set it on the counter, and i walked out, "What did it say?", "We need to wait 3 minutes."  I don't know how long he waited to go in. I just know he came out asking what those two lines meant. I wanted to DIE.
And I kept hoping... "maybe it will disappear, maybe it will disappear."

I couldn't talk, I stared off into the air, trying to process the whole thing.

I walked into the living room, fell on the floor and cried. I laid(is that the right spelling?) my head on his knees about to hurl my guts. There was no excitement, no happiness; only fear, disgust, disappointment. All I wrote in my Journal, months later, was "It SUCKED!"

I know we "talked", or at least for 10 minutes mumbled something about, "What should we do?" my first response, "I am NOT having an abortion." Odd that is the first thing I said to him. You wouldn't say that to someone who shared your same beliefs, or you thought you would be with "forever".  I still wonder WHY those were the first words to come out of my mouth. We'd never talked about this before... having kids.  We hadn't even talked about being together past... now, at least not that I can remember.

There was a mention of getting married, keeping him, and placing him for adoption. 

You would think with the fact I believed we would be together forever that I'd say, "lets get married.", and honestly, that was not what I wanted! Remember, I had that boy on his mission, I was still in HS, and I STILL HAD DREAMS. I wanted to go to school, date, have fun... so WHY was I with this person? And WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

I don't think I stayed very long. I went home... I went to the home of that boy who was serving a mission. I was living there. I felt so ... awful. I can't even describe how I felt, there isn't a word to describe it. And I wonder how many girls feel that?  It was just another reiteration that I was NOT supposed to be with this person. And we were NOT supposed to work out.   I went home, I went to bed, and I laid there and cried... ALL NIGHT.  

This wasn't good. It wasn't what I wanted. All night I thought about the girls and guys who were "those kinds of kids", the kind who had been with so many people. I was never that kind of girl, and now I'd been with ONE person, used protection, and I was the one who got pregnant... ME!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Two Pink Lines

As i said previously, I am not sure that I thought I was invisible, as much as I just didn't think about getting pregnant at all. Protection was used, and I never thought it could happen. 
Christmas came and went, December came and went. And that month was the hardest month leading up to those 'two pink lines'.  Though i don't remember much about that month, I remember my heart during that month. I was torn because of what I had shared with the birth father. 

I had always said that I would wait till I was married to do those things. I was taught that it was the right thing to do, the best thing to do. It was something that I had made a personal promise to keep. I wanted to be with the person I was going to be with forever, before having sex. I FELT as if, because of what we shared physically, meant I had to be with him forever; even though what my HEART was telling me was to run away. Every time I left him, his house, his car, his friends houses, I felt a little sick. I felt wrong about where I was, and what I was becoming. But, my HEAD was telling me to stay. 

I started to feel sick more often than not. I remember going to see my family(which I did sometimes because I truly wanted to go home). I saw my mom and said, "i just haven't felt good lately. I threw up yellow stuff this morning, it looked like an egg yolk." That was the moment my mom said she KNEW I was pregnant. She didn't tell me that then but she did after.

I had my body functions down to a science, OK i STILL have my body down to a science. I was never more than 1 or maybe 2 days late for "Aunt Flow" EVER. but I never could admit that I could be pregnant. I really didn't think it could happen to me until I was married... or I just hoped it wouldn't.
I wonder what other girls in HS thought, or think now, how they felt. I didn't have sex with the intent of getting pregnant. It was something that happened after being caught up "in the moment". I know I wasn't IN LOVE, though, I thought I did love him. I knew it was not the get married kind. I felt trapped after the first time.

 I don't know what it took to finally get me to take a test. I don't know if he got it or I did. And I FOR SURE don't know what day. But I remember it all to clearly.