the baby

Its a mixed moment about this post.

There are so many things that i could/can/will say about the little buddy that was growing in my tummy, so it may be a little scrambled.

Initially I thought that there was a wee baby girl growing in that belly of mine. For days and nights I wondered what she would look like, and wondered if she was gong to be mine, or if I was going to kill myself and let her go.  I remember feeling so much LOVE for this little thing inside me I COULD have died. I remember thinking that there was no way I could end something that I felt so utterly in love with, and it was just a little kumquat of a thing.  

I remember sitting in my bed, next to my nephew, sleeping(well he was sleeping I was up thinking). All of the sudden there was something MOVING inside of me. I remember it soooo clearly. I remember that more clearly than I have with any of my children.  I remember lying on my side and feeling his had or foot move from top to bottom. It gave me butterflies, and I cried. I guess it made that moment real, it made the pregnancy real, and it made everything more necessary.

At that moment I felt there was more to consider during this time of wondering than just myself and the birth father. I needed to consider this baby, and what "she" was going to be when she came to this world. Would she feel loved? Would she have to go back and forth between the BF and I? Would our families be OK with us? Would she resent us because she'd probably be in the middle of the ugliest fights of all time?

I knew that I would love her, I knew that i would do all i could to protect her. I knew that I would do my very best to provide for her. I could parent... I would have help from my family... I could do it with her BF being there on the sidelines taking her every other weekend.  Or could I? Did I want her in Daycare every day? Did I want her to be raised by me or by the daycare provider and only see her for short moments before she went to bed?  Did I want her to come to this world, not sealed to me? Did I want her to come to a broken relationship, with everyone hating everyone? 

I wanted her to have a Mom AND Dad. Parents, that were sealed, and could be sealed to her. I wanted her to be able to do WHATEVER she wanted to do. I wanted her to dance, play sports, go around the world... I knew that I couldn't give her that being a single mom. And that is when I realized that the ONLY person I should be thinking abut in my decision making was this little baby I was carrying.  I needed to think of her little spirit that God had entrusted me with carrying, since I was a fool and made a choice to have sex before I was married.  I needed to think of what was best for HER, not ME, or HIM.  That was the moment that I officially chose to Place my child for adoption... though I don't think I told anyone. It was too hard to admit.

When we went to the Doctors office for our ultra sound, I sat in the chair, facing away from the front desk. I sat there, on a long bench, and I KNEW it was NOT a she... it was a HE. I almost threw up because of that overwhelming "knowledge" I'd received. And, well, that love GREW.  As I layed on the table and everything was coming up in the green, we got to the point of finding out if it was a boy or girl.  I still felt sick, and still felt more in love with this little guy than I did before I got to the office. 

We went back to my sisters house... and I handed her the pictures from the Ultrasound and blatantly said, "Its a boy..." I started to cry and walked off.  I wasn't mad, and yet I was sooo mad.  Why did I have to love him more? Why did I have to be in this situation? I wanted that little buddy of mine SOOOO much. I wanted him with every fiber of my body. There was just one problem, I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was supposed to be with someone else.  I knew that he already had parents out there that were waiting for him.  And that since his BF didn't want to be together, or get married, or anything else, I knew it was the right choice. 

Would I have kept him if I was in a better position to raise him? I would have LOVED to keep him. I still hear that I made this choice alone without the BF. I didn't make it alone, and if the BF had wanted to keep him he should have said it. I wanted to keep him, I didn't want to give away my heart. But, not once, did he EVER say that he wanted this baby.  And there were more than this moment, where I wished he would say, "I want him.".

The months went on, and I love this boy more and more and more. How was I going to EVER choose a family for him? How was I EVER going to place him in someone Else's arms? HOW?