Friday, June 1, 2012

Two Pink Lines

As i said previously, I am not sure that I thought I was invisible, as much as I just didn't think about getting pregnant at all. Protection was used, and I never thought it could happen. 
Christmas came and went, December came and went. And that month was the hardest month leading up to those 'two pink lines'.  Though i don't remember much about that month, I remember my heart during that month. I was torn because of what I had shared with the birth father. 

I had always said that I would wait till I was married to do those things. I was taught that it was the right thing to do, the best thing to do. It was something that I had made a personal promise to keep. I wanted to be with the person I was going to be with forever, before having sex. I FELT as if, because of what we shared physically, meant I had to be with him forever; even though what my HEART was telling me was to run away. Every time I left him, his house, his car, his friends houses, I felt a little sick. I felt wrong about where I was, and what I was becoming. But, my HEAD was telling me to stay. 

I started to feel sick more often than not. I remember going to see my family(which I did sometimes because I truly wanted to go home). I saw my mom and said, "i just haven't felt good lately. I threw up yellow stuff this morning, it looked like an egg yolk." That was the moment my mom said she KNEW I was pregnant. She didn't tell me that then but she did after.

I had my body functions down to a science, OK i STILL have my body down to a science. I was never more than 1 or maybe 2 days late for "Aunt Flow" EVER. but I never could admit that I could be pregnant. I really didn't think it could happen to me until I was married... or I just hoped it wouldn't.
I wonder what other girls in HS thought, or think now, how they felt. I didn't have sex with the intent of getting pregnant. It was something that happened after being caught up "in the moment". I know I wasn't IN LOVE, though, I thought I did love him. I knew it was not the get married kind. I felt trapped after the first time.

 I don't know what it took to finally get me to take a test. I don't know if he got it or I did. And I FOR SURE don't know what day. But I remember it all to clearly.

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