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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

React

In the first few months of my story, there were many reactions, good and bad. Mostly bad. 
As a Birth Mom, there are so many things that I can think of when someone asks me how they should react to someone telling them they are pregnant. 

There is never a way to make a reaction to a pregnancy out of marriage easy, especially when you've been raised and taught to know better.  I know I've been on the end hearing, "I'm pregnant", a couple times. 1 time before I'd experienced being a pregnant teen and 2 times after.  The first time I heard, I didn't really "get it". I mean, I understood what had to happen to make a baby, but I guess it was really mostly shock that it actually happened to someone I personally knew.  Also, I was only about 13 when that time happened. 
The reactions when I became pregnant came with mixed emotions.  I can COMPLETELY understand how hard it is to find out someone you love dearly has become pregnant out of marriage. I can attest, that being on the receiving end, its not easy telling people you love that kind of thing.  

I had siblings not talk to me for MONTHS(pretty much even up to a year AFTER I had the baby). I had a lot of people blame me for ruining things for them. I was even told that I was the cause of a divorce that was now going to happen.  Remember how in High School everyone is retarded, well, I'd been called every name in the book, not only by people I thought were friends, but by their parents. 

Reacting to an unwed pregnancy is hard.  I would not say that if you feel betrayed, shocked, upset, angry, etc etc to not show it, but you can show it in different ways.  Before you start spouting out a bunch of ticked off comments, that you will probably later regret, wait, and really think about it.  Believe me, the two different reactions I got, the worse was my mom telling me how disappointed and hurt she was. And seeing the hurt in her eyes. It wasn't as bad as being told what a whore I was and how I "trapped" him into this ... yadda yadda yadda.  Did those things still hurt, YES, by gosh they did! But my mom still to this day kills me every time it comes up. I see how bad I hurt her!  If you can't be "supportive", let them know you can't right now. Let them know you are disappointed and hurt.  Don't yell at them, they already know what they did. Well, most of them know and are feeling like crud anyway.

Given that I've experienced being a single teen first hand the most recent time hearing that someone I loved was pregnant, i had a strange reaction.  My first thoughts to myself were, "Well, that's not a surprise."  Then, "This is going to kill the mom.... you are an idiot... what are you gong to do?"  Then I told her, "Well that sucks, I'm sorry, and what are you going to do?"  I know that being asked, what are you gong to do, is kind of a dumb question at that first moment.  I don't now if any girl would know, let alone admit, that they knew what they wanted to do.  But, it still gets asked.

You can't make someone do what you think they should. You can't make someone listen to the things that come out of their own mouths that makes you want to smack them upside the head and yell, "HELLLLOOOOOO, do you not hear yourself?"  I heard, "I'm just not ready to be alone, I want someone to be with me... I can't do it by myself yet."  Well, funny, when you chose to be a single parent you chose to HAVE to be ready to do it alone. Though someone may feel that they SHOULD place for adoption, and they don't, that is up to them.  You can be upset with them, but its going to do no good to hold it against them forever. Also, that child will need a lot of love and support.


So I guess, In this jumbled mess of a post, that my suggestion, is try to be NICE about how you feel. Don't be degrading, rude, or whatever else. If you can't be those things, don't talk to them about it. Don't ignore them for months, don't talk about them to everyone else and not say it to them.  Be honest, pray, and do whats right... but probably not easy.

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