Education

When I was a junior in HS, at the beginning of the school year, one of my classmates was pregnant. At least, I think it was my Junior Year?  

Any-whooser, she came to school, everyday. As her tummy grew she still came, and she carried herself with confidence. She was in a class of mine as well, and I never knew how to approach her. Mostly, we said hi, and talked about other things. Never about the pregnancy, baby, boyfriend(or not?), or anything else surrounding the situation.  She came back the next year, not pregnant.  I didn't know until long after I'd placed that she did as well. The difference between her and I ???  She graduated with our class, I didn't.

Yup, I did not graduate from High School. I am not proud, in any way, to say this publicly. I do not love sending out job applications saying 'GED'. For me (and seriously, this is my personal feeling) a GED isn't anywhere CLOSE to a High School equivalency. You can take the GED at pretty much anytime, at least that I am aware, so I didn't/don't feel as if its worth a dang. it is SO embarrassing, and rips me apart every time I go to a graduation, or think about college, or apply for a job. It truly is one HUGE thing that STILL eats me alive every single day. Especially now. 

I always wanted to go to college. Even today I still want to go; photography, art, teaching, music, hair. Those things I would LOOOOVE to get a degree in. I am a Picture Nazi, and also known around the extended families and friends as the Paparazzi. That's fine, I have the memories you don't:).  

I tell everyone and anyone GO TO SCHOOL. I can't hold back, its kind of a big deal, and its a soapbox.  If for any reason, because you'll have something to fall back on if you come to a point in life where I am at.  I am a stay at home mom, and I wish I could stay  that way. BUT, I also wish I could stay that way and not have to worry about bills, rent, stuff the kids need... I know everyone worries about those things, but your husbands haven't lost 6 jobs since 08. OK, so some people have probably gone through the very same thing with that. Right now, we're SCREWED. And all I can think of every day is, "I should have gone to school."

There is not a job here that will pay me enough to put 3 kids in Daycare and work full time. Basically, I can't even get a job a McDonald's because I don't have a flipping college degree(no matter what its in).  I could go make 7 bucks an hour, and work 40 a week, and still not be able to cover the daycare. And don't get me started on Daycare, its another post for another day.  I HATE this whole thing. I hate that I didn't just kick my "teachers" butt for telling me, "You only have these 3 packets left and then you will graduate..."  Then weeks later, too close to the end of the year, say, "Oops, we miscalculated and you won't have enough time to finish the 40 other ones we didn't have you do..."  SERIOUSLY.  No one likes to hire me, cause they think I'm a dropout... they think I didn't care... at least that is what it feels like.

If I had gone to school, if I had graduated and achieved that goal, I could find a job right now and contribute to my family. I could help in this time of CRAP. 

If I had gone to school, I wouldn't feel like I failed little E, and his family. I wouldn't have to look at my 4 year old and feel like a failure when I have to tell her, "we can't do that." or, "No, I don't have the money.".  I would be able to get them the things they NEED, not even wants, I just want them to have what they need. It is really hard on my self worth/self esteem going through all this. Not having anything... and all I do is sit and dwell on the fact that I can't go to school now... HOW would I go to school now?!

If any girl came here, who was in my situation, who got pregnant and was currently in HS, or going to college.... DO NOT QUIT! Ignore the stares, the snide remarks, back stabbing, all that. Focus on bettering yourself for your future. Finish school, and work hard at it. DO YOUR BEST. Make the best of a bad situation.  I wanted to finish school so I could tell E, and my own kids, that I finished, even after making bad choices and being irresponsible and becoming pregnant in HS.  

I can't. And tonight, its eating at me... bad!

I wonder if things will ever be good again. If we'll get through this and be "on top" again... I'm starting to wonder.

I know this is kind of all over the place with the whole idea of this blog. But I have to hope someone will learn from me and FINISH. Don't end up like me, with 3 kids, not able to support them!