I was able to take a little "vaca" to the North to visit with my family this weekend. A little reunion with my big brother, his wife, and daughter, whom I haven't seen in 5 years! It was jam packed with events.
He made a few comments about why he moved so far away, and stayed there. Comments about how he'd chosen to handle situations the wrong way, and treated some people really bad. He wanted to stay away, and live a certain way, so that he could(in my eyes) erase it.
I thought when I moved away, to my sisters, that I was moving to be able to graduate. I didn't feel like I was running away or trying to hide my pregnancy. In fact, I went back up to hang out with friends as much as possible. It didn't work out that way, mostly ever, but that's another post for another day.
It didn't end up working out that way, being able to walk across that stage. I didn't get to graduate. I thought I was BEYOND on track to go walk with my class, the let me know DAYS before the end of the year that they apologize and they were wrong. There was no way to get those packets done in time.
So, I went to my High School graduation and sat with my friends family, and the BF.
I sat in the basket ball "arena" of the local college, and watched as my friends participated and walked in our Graduation. It was so unbelievably hard. SO HARD. It was hard sitting there, with a mini belly, hearing their names being called. I cried, lots. I felt like such a pile-o-poop. I felt worthless and as if I should have tried harder. I could tell you exactly where I was sitting, in that orange stadium seat, south side, 5th row up. I wore a plaid skirt and white shirt, and flip flops. I walked down to the floor after they threw their hats up in the air, and watched them all take pictures together in their Cap and Gowns. I watched as they held their diplomas and cheered in excitement. I watched as parents, and some students, stared at me as friends gave me hugs and we cheered for their success. Getting a hug from my Casey, one of my Best Friends, as he whispered in my ear how he wished I would have been there with them, and how he was sorry for not talking to me. Telling me he was just so angry with my choice. Getting hugs from my girlfriends, and that I couldn't have been happier for.
I wish girls, and boys, would realize all that you can loose from being irresponsible.
I couldn't write about graduation in my journal. All I wrote was, "I went to my HS Graduation.... and it SUCKED.". It did, especially when they all went to grad night, to Village Inn, and invited me... But I couldn't go because the BF wanted me to go with him. LAME! All that was lost and sacrificed because of that choice...
Choice, have premarital sex, USED protection...
destination: pregnant, single, loss of family, loss of education, loss of friends...