Two Pink lines - pt 2

February, 2003

It was in the evening that we went back to his moms house. I don't think we said a word the moment we got there until I came out of the bathroom. I don't know how long I was in there either before I finally got the nerve to pee on the stick.  I think I paced for a while before I finally just did it. As soon As i put the cap on the end... there were those little pink lines, that fast, that bright. I about threw up right then. I set it on the counter, and i walked out, "What did it say?", "We need to wait 3 minutes."  I don't know how long he waited to go in. I just know he came out asking what those two lines meant. I wanted to DIE.

And I kept hoping... "maybe it will disappear, maybe it will disappear."

I couldn't talk, I stared off into the air, trying to process the whole thing.

I walked into the living room, fell on the floor and cried. I laid(is that the right spelling?) my head on his knees about to hurl my guts. There was no excitement, no happiness; only fear, disgust, disappointment. All I wrote in my Journal, months later, was "It SUCKED!"

I know we "talked", or at least for 10 minutes mumbled something about, "What should we do?" my first response, "I am NOT having an abortion." Odd that is the first thing I said to him. You wouldn't say that to someone who shared your same beliefs, or you thought you would be with "forever".  I still wonder WHY those were the first words to come out of my mouth. We'd never talked about this before... having kids.  We hadn't even talked about being together past... now, at least not that I can remember.

There was a mention of getting married, keeping him, and placing him for adoption. 

You would think with the fact I believed we would be together forever that I'd say, "lets get married.", and honestly, that was not what I wanted! Remember, I had that boy on his mission, I was still in HS, and I STILL HAD DREAMS. I wanted to go to school, date, have fun... so WHY was I with this person? And WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

I don't think I stayed very long. I went home... I went to the home of that boy who was serving a mission. I was living there. I felt so ... awful. I can't even describe how I felt, there isn't a word to describe it. And I wonder how many girls feel that?  It was just another reiteration that I was NOT supposed to be with this person. And we were NOT supposed to work out.   I went home, I went to bed, and I laid there and cried... ALL NIGHT.  

This wasn't good. It wasn't what I wanted. All night I thought about the girls and guys who were "those kinds of kids", the kind who had been with so many people. I was never that kind of girl, and now I'd been with ONE person, used protection, and I was the one who got pregnant... ME!