Monday, June 4, 2012

telling the family

What were my thoughts those next few days? What did I contemplate? What did I feel?

I keep looking over anything I had at the time I found out I was pregnant, and I never updated consistently. I wrote that we went to So. Utah the day after we found out. And we told his "second mom" first. After that, his dad, and I wrote a letter to my parents. He decided that he was going to tell his mom alone(that was a good idea considering she DESPISED ME).  

I wrote a letter to my parents. Why? Because I was so disappointed, and I couldn't bare the thought of my moms face after me telling her. And well, I thought my dad was going to murder me right then and there. I wrote the letter the night we got home from So. Utah, and didn't give it to them for 3 weeks. Remember when I said that my mom knew the moment I was pregnant? I didn't want anything to be true. I didn't want to disappoint her, it was going to kill her.  And, I was disgusted with myself. How, after 17 1/2 years, did I end up sleeping with 1 person, and was the one to end up pregnant? Why didn't all those girls I went to HS with end up pregnant, when they slept with SO MANY?! I was so mad. I was so scared. 

When i finally went over to give my parents the letter, my little sister and I got in a fight(that wasn't unusual at all). So, I did the big kid thing and left the letter on my parents dresser... and left.  I told them there was a letter on their dresser as I basically ran out the door.  Even before I had gotten back to L's house, there was a message from my parents telling me to come over before school...  AAAAAHHH One of the longest nights ever.

After I got up and ready I drove to my parents. I walked in and was as quiet as possible. I sat in the Recliner and waited. I could hear them getting ready themselves. My dad walked out first, and then went and got my mom after he saw me.  I don't know what all was said, I know that I cried and cried. They let me stay home from school and we talked a little about if I'd though about what I wanted to do. At that point, I didn't know.
We talked about who would tell my siblings, and so on and so on. I told my little brother and sister, I don't think the youngest quite got it the moment I told her, at least I don't remember her getting it. My little brother was pretty mad at me, but gave me a big hug.  I think my mom told my older brother and sister, and I told my oldest sister. My older brother said I was an idiot, DUH, I already knew that. And I know he felt bad, because he's also had a baby in HS. And, it didn't end well for him(admittedly he was a dink!).  My sister just older than me ignored me(which she'd already been doing since i moved out).  My little sister... the one I got in the argument with... it was her birthday, and they had me tell her after they got home from their dinner. She was furious, mostly because I'd treated her like dirt for the things she did/had done, and I end up pregnant. I was a hypocrite to her. And, well, I was to me as well.  I don't remember what everyone said, or how they all reacted. But I know it was hard. The hardest thing I'd had to do so far in my life. 

The BF told his mom, by himself. My parents agreed it was a good thing I was there either. I am not sure if it was before or after finding out I was pregnant she wanted to meet with my mom.  Basically, this woman blamed the ENTIRE situation on me.  Apparently it only takes ONE person to have a baby, and I forced him to sleep with me. I wanted to get pregnant, at least that is what it sounded like. I do remember, she did(for sure) blame it all on me.  I was furious about that, because I'd never done anything remotely close to this in my life. I had never been one to go around doing things with boys, and I wasn't one to just go ahead and sleep with someone and TRY to get pregnant.  I couldn't change what happened. But I chose to ignore her, and try to figure out what we were going to do.

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