Sunday, May 27, 2012

language

I was checking my "stats" this morning and had a few, uh, questionable links coming here. 
I sat for a minute thinking... "why in the world are those things coming here?"
DUH, then it dawned on me, when I use the word s-e-x, all those dirty little turds who like to look at naughty things come here. Cause when you type in a search engine, I guess because it has that word... it can be linked in to those nasty places, or something to that effect! 

AAAHHH, laugh at me now, it never dawned on me that it would/could do that. Pete's sakes, its an ADOPTION blog:).  So, I will have to come back an adjust those words.  as "the deed" or maybe just "being intimate". we'll see. Or, should I just not worry about it? I started to 'adjust' some of the posts... it looks as if I can't say that word because its dirty ha. Or that my mom might read this and make her uncomfortable? Suggestions?

Be patient, I'm still trying to get this thing looking like I want, using my free backgrounds and all. 
ta ta

Initially

Initially, after that one boy left on his mission, I was truly hurting. I loved him, and was scared of what the future would bring. I didn't think a little crush would turn into anything.
I really do not remember how I ended up dating E's birth father. I remember he worked at our local grocery store, he was friends with one of my friends. And he came with her to another friends house once. We never had talked, or had any inclination of who the other was. SO, all I can say, is when we finally 'got together' he had some magical hold on me that made me the stupidest person in the world. NO, he did not force me to do anything, I made my own choices and put myself in the situation where something could/did happen.

The firs thing I remember about us being together, is that everything became unimportant. He became the most important thing, and even if I wanted to do something without him, it wasn't possible. The one specific thing that I remember is my Senior year, Homecoming football game. I LOVED going to the sport events while I was in HS, especially football, it was my favorite!  I love cheering on with my friends, wearing old jerseys, or just our school colors. I love watching my boys out on the field playing their hardest.
I remember wanting to go to that game that night. I remember thinking how lame it was that we were fighting over me going to the homecoming game. Isn't that what all Seniors do? Go to the games, dances etc? That should have been a sign right there that we were NOT made for each other. I think I got there at half time, and that's when my friends thought I was nuts and started talking to me about us needing to not be together anymore.  I know that I agreed, but something wouldn't let me go.

My parents weren't big on the idea of me dating a boy outside of High School. They definitely weren't big on me dating someone that wasn't going to be happy when I went with my friends. And DID NOT want me with someone that made me  go anti-my family.  I see it now... I know now... what they were talking about. I knew it then, but thought, "I'm not that kind of girl, nothing will ever happen." And I know that I was the one who really did have control and made the choice to stay in the relationship.

It didn't take long,  before I didn't the unthinkable. I did the deed... slept with someone... I was unmarried, and definitely not sure about this boy, and I had sex. At that point, I felt I couldn't separate myself from this person.  There is a reason you DO NOT have sex before you are married. But that's for another post.
I knew at that time that I was scared. I felt trapped. But mostly, I, ME, MYSELF, made the choice to continue on in the relationship, and let things happen again. In a very few short months, between September and December, I'd been sexually active for the first time in my life, moved out of my parents house to a very dear families house...(another story for a later post), and felt trapped, and not myself.
MONTHS... THREE MONTHS... who, being a Senior in HS, moves out of their parents house for a stupid boy? How easily a simple crush turned into something that was SEVERELY altering my life.

Another reason for me to pull out the journals... so I can remember what I really was thinking, and what was happening.


I quit dancing, I quit spending much time with my friends, I quit believing that there was a life beyond this boy. I thought we'd make it through this "hard time" and be together forever. Man, was I wrong, dumb, and incredibly naieve! And I want to stress, AGAIN, that I don't believe the BF(Birth Father), is the same person he was when this all happened. I know people can change!  But at the time, I don't feel he was a super awesome good guy. And maybe he wasn't that super awesome good guy because we were NOT supposed to be together!







Saturday, May 26, 2012

dating

There wasn't a lot of time between the time 'we' became 'officially' boy friend/girl friend and the time we found out I was pregnant. I pulled out the old journals last night, December 2002, "He always says he is going to call, and never does, or doesn't till waaaaay later. This is the kind of stuff that makes me think I should have stopped dating him long ago. He isn't honest, ever."  Hmmm. Why didn't I?

October 2002
Here I was, 18 years old, a Senior in HS. 


January 1, 2003
"I moved out 2 days before Christmas. L& All the girls bought me Christmas. They are the most amazing family, I can't wait to see what happens..." "we are still dating, off and on ... New Years was lame, why do I say I love him?" 
"I guess my sister has been telling people that He and I tried to run away and get married... ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

What was I thinking? I remember moments in those few months, and think, there were so many people there trying to make me me SEE. I did see, but yet again, I didn't. 

January 2003,
"I miss my mom, Bad.".  "I went to church today, Ky hugged me, and cried, I miss my mom and Ky."

"I wasn't saying let me go, not in the slightest. i DO still need my mom... but I need her to let me grow. I DON"T think I'm all mature and that I suddenly could do great things when I turned 18. I don't know everything... I'm not bullet proof. I still need my family."


The thought never entered my mind that I could get pregnant, not ever. I guess I didn't think about what COULD happen by being 'intimate'. Maybe that's why girls are so dumb now-a-days. Maybe they don't think its possible. That even WITH protection, they can get pregnant.  I didn't realized that when I made the choice to do the deed, that I was making the choice to take responsibility for EVERYTHING that comes with it. That I was basically saying IM AN ADULT I CAN DO THIS and handle all that comes after. Who knew kissing would lead to that... RIGHT?!  The thought never crossed my mind that I could end up pregnant, we were using protection right? And apparently I did think I was bullet proof That what girls don't get its not 100%, nothing that is "birth control" is 100%. The only way to be 100% protected is called... ABSTINENCE, yes I said it!

Not only for the reason of std's or pregnancy, but for your emotions! I don't believe that the reason you shouldn't have an intimate relationship before you are married is JUST because you could get pregnant. Girls, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you are getting into by being intimate with someone. Someone you may not be with forever. 
I was SHOCKED when I found out I wasn't the "first" or even the "second"... The higher the number the more nauseous I got. And the more I heard the more I though RUN RUN RUN. But I couldn't... we were going to be "together forever". Good GRIEF you moron! I was, I was a huge idiot, and I knew it was wrong early on, and I should have left. This could have ALL been avoided had I left.

I should have left:
I have said that a lot in this blog. I write it often, but I have said a lot, I regret it, I regret HIM. I don't regret E, but that is because that baby and those 9 months leading up to him taught me SOOO much. And I get to be a part of something bigger, to help other girls. Do I wish I could have NOT done it, yes, and at the same time, I am grateful for what I do know, and what I can do with that knowledge. Its hard to explain, but I'll have to try another time.


and I'm sorry, i can't post pictures of the bf on here. makes me a little queasy ha ha, not to mention I don't want to post someones picture without permission!


High School

OH High School. I did love going to school, but not to learn. I loved being social with everyone. With seeing my friends, and all the cute boys, and sometimes(OK a little more than sometimes) Skipping class. Remember how I said I was so excited for my Senior year. For those dances, games, social gatherings really. 

My first 3 months of High School went from great, to not so great. 
I went to ONE dance my entire Senior year. It was with a boy I had  HUGE crush on, and he happened to have the same name as the one that left to serve a Mission.  I was a flirt(little did I know), I thought I was just nice and liked to have fun. I always hugged, and called EVERYONE honey, or some other 'pet' name.  My friends and I were geared up for games, dance class(with my 2 best friends), and I was excited to see all my other friends as the Senior Cheer Leaders, or Vistauns, or Senior WHATEVER's there were. 

Its funny how a boy changed all that. I pulled out my old "planners" (yes I have planners, they're great cliff notes to my crazy years) and it made my stomach churn. At the end of September I wrote "I wonder why my friends are mad at me?". And I look at that month and it was full of good and bad days with the boy, and days that I wrote, "I should have hung out with my friends." Looking back, even a year after I placed, I thought, I would have been mad at me too. I think they were mad because... i wouldn't stop... I wouldn't listen to them  when they were seeing what I didn't want to admit or see. I remember so many times hearing, "Jena, what are you doing? Can't you see this is wrong?" or, "He's controlling you, and you're letting him."

Though its hard for me to sit and read all those months, I can't help but hope that SOMEONE can learn from this. I hope that SOMEONE will HEAR what I had to deal with and go through. I hope that they will LISTEN to those around them, those that they truly can trust, and STOP before they get into a harry situation. It is hard for me today, to see people making WRONG choices, or making choices that are gong to end up putting them in bad situations. I try my best to let them go, and to say things in a way that they won't get mad(if I say anything at all). Usually i can't shut my mouth though, because of this story of mine, and I have to tell them STOOOOOOP. I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want them to be where I was. And, then, I have to remember that I didn't listen either. Why, when we are young, do we think we know everything.
Why did I think that just because I'd never been "intimate" with a person before, I could be strong enough to not be with him? It takes a lot of work, on both parts, to NOT have an intimate relationship. To not do things that can lead you closer to that. It takes even more when one of the "parties" has had past 'partners'... And sometimes, they're so smooth, and you're so dumb, that it happens.

One thing I have learned, that I have hoped to have all girls know... If a boy you are dating doesn't want you hanging with your girlfriends, you need a new boyfriend. In most cases they don't want you hanging with your friends cause they're a bit pushy, controlling, or WAY TO OLD for you. I never could get the courage to say no. I don't know why I was so weak at those times to just say NO, and that I wanted to be with my friends. Nothing bad had happened in that first month. Though, the animosity between my parents and I had already been there like a frozen stick of butter you couldn't put a butter knife through. My family already hated us being "us". And even though I had never lied, nothing had happened with us physically, they didn't like him. Mostly, they knew we weren't supposed to be together, it made me ... not me.

I knew that first month that I should stop seeing him. I probably had a few opportunity's to make a "clean break". I couldn't. I didn't. And I should have, if only for my sanity or my emotional stability?

I pulled out a pictures, as well, of me on the first day I met him. Though life is hard, and everyone says you shouldn't regret your past... I do. I don't regret little E, or placing. I am happy that I experienced that, it taught me a ton, I just wish I could change everything before, during, and after that with the "boy" (boy being the birth father.).

October... 
It was all about the boy. It was all about rebelling against my parents/family. 
The cops were called one night. They came to his house and said that I had to leave(or something I don't remember).  I sat in the kitchen while he talked to them. WHAT WAS I THINKING! 
ME, little miss, kind of prude-ish, I won't do anything ever... THE COPS! That was a HORRIBLE night at the family home. When i finally got there. Lots of HORRIBLE things were said, and I am pretty sure that was the night I packed my bags, or wanted to? I got slapped across the face, I am SURE I deserved it. I remember the look in my moms eyes that night.  Even typing it... its hard to remember, because I don't want to remember it. I ruined her. I broker her heart. I failed her. What was I thinking? I pray every day that my girls will be better than I was, and that I can teach them to be strong, and stay faithful, and to make GOOD CHOICES.  We have talks a LOT about consequences with Miss K. I hope someday she'll remember those if she gets into a bad situation. Mostly, I hope she just stays away from them all together so she won't have to.

November, 
I was STILL retarded... still to attached... and still trying to be good. 
I was never home, rarely with my friends, and FAILING school already. I never liked classes(I'm not good at testing... I did well on assignments, and failed tests, BAD). I just... didn't care. WHO DOESN'T CARE when you are a senior in HS?  Thanksgiving: I wasn't home... They have pictures of it, but I wasn't there. November is a blurr...

December. 
I moved in with the missionaries family...

We were juniors... and life was GREAT.







Thursday, May 24, 2012

impaitent

I have no patience, I never have, I probably never will. 
Like I've said a million times already, I have continued to think about things I want to write about here. Today is no different. I came to find out one of the cute families on my side bar did, in fact, get a new member of their family. And they SO PERFECTLY stated parts of placement that most no one in this world, other than those who have placed, or adopted, have experienced. 
I am trying to post my story in order... but ... i don't know how that's going to work out:)
SO, for now, I guess I will just post what she said, and have to HURRY and post some things another time! I guess I REALLY need to get on this!

"I hear soooo many people say, "I just couldn't do it, I could never give my baby away" And I say "it's cause your not supposed to, their yours" it's hard to explain but those kids are ours, what you feel for your kids and how you could never place them is how we feel. Its a sense of where they belong. It has NEVER, EVER been a lack of love of the birth mother for their child or even a lack of being able to provide for them. It's simply because they each have gotten to a point where they have all expressed "I just felt like the baby wasn't mine, I knew they were meant for another family" They've all just 'known' so I don't expect anyone to feel the ability to place their babies whether they are a single mother or not if that wasn’t the plan waaay before you came to earth. I don't want any baby, I just want mine. The ones I had in heaven. Each of my birth mothers have known our face when they saw in it on our profile. They just knew it was us. It isn't a guessing game or a choice out of immaturity. It is one of great sacrifice and love. It's one that takes everything out of the birth mother even though it's the right thing, to put our family together. It's something I can't do. My debt runs deeper than I can say. I love them in a way that I simply can't explain."

A quote by LM, Adoptive Mom

Monday, May 21, 2012

deep

I want to open things more on here. I want to explain more about the girl I was in HS, my amazing friends I had, and so on. I'm really wanting to find some old pictures and put a few up.
I hope that I can. Because after actually starting to push the "Publish" key, I can't stop wanting to write more... and thinking of more to write about. And I feel as if many of the things I'm writing are more of little 'cliff notes' about everything. So.. I'm going to try to see what I can plan out. See how I can schedule this blog a little more steadily into my daily/weekly/monthly life.

I always have loved writing, and I've always wanted to write a book about my story. This is a little beginning to that(at least for me). So, crossies(yes that is not a real word/spelling i know)  that I can get this prioritizing taken care of and be steady on here.

sacrifices

I believe that whether you choose to Place your child for adoption, single parent, get married and parent, or co-parent with the bf/ biological father, there is one thing that is all in common. 
Sacrifice.
Though they all have a different meaning of sacrifice, they're all very much the same, in certain ways, as well.

I believe that when a girl, boy, or couple, decides to place a child for adoption they are making the ultimate sacrifice. They are not only sacrificing the desire to parent that child, and raise him/her to be everything wonderful. They are sacrificing their hearts. Knowing that after that child comes into this world, complete in perfection, that they will have to have their hearts completely broken when they place that child into a couples arms.  I sacrificed my future, my heart, my soul, and my own momentary happiness to give that child the BEST life. (and truly, my little buddy has the BEST life)

I believe that when you Single parent, you sacrifice your time, your wants, your needs, and your desires to do what is best to give that child the life it deserves. You sacrifice spending special time with that baby so that you can go to work and/or school to support them. You have to sacrifice those moments early on to be able to finish school(if you've chosen to do so), so that you can only have to work 1 job, and have no other interruptions.  You do so, so that they won't have to be in daycare 5-7 days a week, or be taken care of by another person. You sacrifice the things you want to do, so that they will be healthy. I don't go out sometimes, because they need to be home for naps, or they're not feeling 100%. I don't get new clothes, because they need clothing, diapers, wipes, etc. You sacrifice, in a way, your happiness. Life is never easy as a Single parent. You are the Mother and the Father. You have to do double duty. Luckily, most of these single moms (or dads) have family that helps them, so they aren't alone. 

Getting married, Its not the best situation to get into, to be married because of a baby. NO, not everyone gets married just because they are pregnant. But lots do. Lots believe that the baby will help them be together and be strong. It makes is so hard, being a newlywed and 9 months(or less) later you welcome your first baby. Its a lot of stress to put on a marriage. Its a lot of stress no matter what the situation to welcome a baby into the world.  But, I think its easier to be Married and parent, than any other option. At least, if you are married for the right reasons. It doesn't make the WORK of marriage easier, but its easier to have another parent present, in the home, to help share the responsibilities. And even then, sometimes the other parent, though present in the home, is not present in the responsibility and duties of taking care of the child. there are so many different situations... nothings always going to be perfect and super easy. Just because you're married and have a child, doesn't mean it won't have its own challenges, and that it will be 100% easier.

Co-parenting, or, not getting married but parenting the child with your boyfriend.  Again, there are different situations. Maybe you aren't "together", so every other weekend the other person takes the baby for their "visitation". Much like divorce, there are lots of things that won't be easy or fun, and mostly for the child. Going back and forth between homes, being with one parent, or the other. New people coming into their lives. Sometimes you'll live with the other person, but not be married, still easier than the back an forth. I don't have experience with either of these, I don't want to have to experience them either, not for me, but for my children's sake.

All situations have to have sacrifice. Some are harder than others. They are all different. But they all take sacrifice.  If I had to order them which i thought would be easiest to hardest... 

Married - easiest
co-parenting 
single parenting
placing a child for adoption - hardest

Now, I say placing a child for adoption is hardest because of how heart breaking it is. BUT, yes, we can go forward in life, and do what we want/need to to better ourselves and make things better for when we have children.  If you look at it as a life long thing... i don't know whats easier or harder. Situations are all different. Sometimes women who place still struggle 10 years down the road as they did 1 year down the road. single parents get married - or they don't... and have to be everything that baby needs(which you can't always be).  Each option is hard. No one is perfect, and no one will make everything peachy and perfect. Life is not peachy and perfect.  But, each option needs to be taken and done in what is the best thing for the child. There are rewarding moments to parenting, and placing, and being married. There are super hard moments to all as well. Nothing is perfect.


Now, I know there is lots that can be said about each of these situations. I am VERY LIGHTLY touching base on what I think. ME, no one else, its what I see and have seen. And I know there can be MUCH added to each situation. So, don't get upset, take it as a very SIMPLIFIED version. Maybe I can get a couple people to share what their decisions were and why.


Friday, May 18, 2012

Influence

Throughout my adoption journey there were a few Mothers that had a big influence on my choice and my life. 

My Momma: 
Not once did my mom tell me that I HAD to place. Not once did she say that I needed to do that. She did, however, tell me that she felt that I needed to do what was right for the baby. And that she did feel that adoption was the right choice. She also said, that if I chose to parent, that she and my dad would be there for me every step of the way.  It was because of her, that I found the couple I would later call family. 
It was her that gave me and my sweet baby boy a set of matching Teddy Bears. Bears that were unbelievably overpriced, and I thought I'd never see again. And the day after having this little guy, she brought to the hospital room. I cried, she cried. I know she cried with me many times. Though, most words were left unsaid, she let me cry. She has had to deal with so many of us dumb kids, making dumb hard choices, yet she is still faithful and strong. 
MY REAL HERO!

My Big Sister:
I went to live with her after letting my family know I was pregnant. Not to HIDE the pregnancy, but in hopes that I could end up graduating with my class. She and my B-I-L were kind of heroes to me over those few months that I was with them.
My mom wasn't to fond of the Birth Father. She didn't want my sister allowing me to talk to him, and didn't want her to encourage me to parent. BUT, she also knew that my sis would do what she felt was right. She never stopped me from seeing the Birth Father. She had so many moments of clarity that I never wanted to see. She was up with me in the night when i had the worst pain ever(heartburn). My B-I-L even going to get me some Tums in the middle of the night. She helped me more than she knows. 
And my little nephew was more than healing in being able to take care of him. It was also a little preview of what it would be like if I were to single parent... and it was hard. She came to see me in the Hospital as well... we cried lots together too. 

Not long after placing, she met me in Layton to do something, I can't remember what. She had a gift for me. A Willow Tree Angel(that I kind of can't get over now). It was the "Guardian Angel". The word Angel means a lot to me when it comes to adoption.  She let me know that though I was hurting, I was E's Guardian Angel, and that I was the safe place to get him to his Mom and Dad.  What more do can I say about her that, that moment doesn't tell you about her?

My Leenie:
I was super unhappy living in Utah Valley. I didn't have any friends, and I was just tired of being away from my "support"(even though my sister was MORE than supportive).  One of my best friends moms said I could come stay with them. SERIOUSLY, this family let me into their home, for months. She truly is an amazing woman. She was so helpful to me at times when I felt lost and confused. And my other "dad", her husband, gave me one of the most simple, yet most important blessings I've ever had.  They mean a WHOLE lot to me. And I am grateful for her!

The Adoptive Mom, My sister, S:
We kind of broke the rules a little bit while we were in the adoption process. At least, at the time of my placement it was breaking rules. I so enjoyed talking to her, and telling her what was going on.  This was such a strong woman, who had to go through so much on her own journey to this place of Adoption. 
It was her love and open arms that took me and gave me the most peaceful, loving hug I've ever had. She and R, there, holding their son for the first time. But talking to me as if they were so guilty for what was about to happen. They told me they loved me so many times over those few months before we placed. And I couldn't believe what a short time it was from hearing about them, choosing them, and meeting them. 
I'm glad I broke the rules, if for nothing, than being able to interrupt her at school to tell her that I wanted her and R to be this little mans parents. I wish I could have been in the room that day, in the rooms of the family that she told. She is another Hero!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Mothers Day

Mothers Day 2003:
I don't remember it really. It had been a month since I found out I was pregnant. I don't think there was much talk of me being a mother at that time. And I didn't know, at that moment, that Adoption was the road I would be taking. It was all up in the air... a lot of confusion. I wish i remembered what I was doing.
(time to pull out the journals, calendars, etc for memories.)

Mothers Day 2004:
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that day. I wasn't sure that it would bother me, or more so, that it would bother me not being recognized being a mother. I was a mother, just a different kind. I still had an aching in my heart so great that I was about to burst. I wanted to be left alone, and I was living with my parents by that point. I remember watching some "after school special" about a girl who got pregnant and placed her baby after trying to "hide" the pregnancy. They'd decided her mom would raise the baby as her own, and then the daughter didn't like that not long after. She couldn't go to school or work or anything when she decided to try to parent on her own. She decided to place him not long after(while he was quite a bit older). 
The one quote in the movie that still is with me today:

"Only I know how much she loves me, because I got to hear to heart from the inside."

I cried... lots... and then got called upstairs for dinner. I pulled myself together and went up. You couldn't tell I'd cried, but you could tell it was a rough day. I sat down at the table, my mom, older sister and her husband, and my younger sister and brother were there... My dad looked at me and said, "Happy Mothers Day". I cried.
I wanted SOMEONE to acknowledge that I was a mom. i craved for it all day. I carried that little guy... Then he said it and all I could do was cry. I missed that baby so much, and I was so jealous, and so happy at the same time, for his new mommy. For his right mommy. 

Mothers Day 2012:
I got to go visit my mom this year, just me and my newest little man.
I didn't remember it was going to be Mothers Day. But it was kind of nice that way. Not until after, did I realize, that I had my first MD with my own son, just he and I, 8 years later. I was back at the same table, at the same time, and with almost the exact same people. But this time, I sat there with my own son. With a little boy that was mine. Another affirmation that placing little E with his family was right. He was theirs. He was sent to me, to get to them. And this new little guy, he was MINE. We bonded. And I could celebrate even more with E's mom, my now sister and less his adoptive mom, of the happiness she had. 

Today I am so blessed to have my little guy here. That I get to experience all those "firsts". And that I can celebrate even more with S; the joy of having a son. I am so happy that I get to be a part of such a great group of women. I am grateful to be a mother to 2 beautiful girls, and 1 handsome little guy. I am beyond blessed. Life is not easy, but I get to choose to be happy. To relish in the laughter and imagination of my very own kids. I get to be even more lucky that most moms, because I am more grateful for my kids than they can ever be:) (OK so that part might no be completely true, but I feel it is(

You feel a great loss after placing a child for adoption. A Child that you have carried, and bonded with. A Child that you LOVE beyond life itself.  I couldn't wait to be a mom again. To really be a mom, and get to do all those mom things. And when I had my first little girl, it was AMAZING to know I got to take her home, and raise her myself. I held her straight for 2 weeks I'm sure. Maybe longer. I'm glad she chose me, she is quite the little girl. I am glad #2 chose me, and same with the little guy. They are all amazing, and they are all mine!


 Baby Girl K.


Baby Girl MJ


Baby Boy K

AKA, Lou, Roo, & Gus


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

it started...

I was never a... we'll say... scandalous, girl in high school. I was never much more than friends with most of the boys. I had crushes on many, but I was always just the friend. I was fine with that. I LOVED my friends. I enjoyed that we could all go have big group sleep overs, and my parents trusted me and knew that we would be good. And that it was FRIENDS out being good and having fun.  And I can HONESTLY say that is what we were doing, being good and having fun! There were so many different "groups" that I hung out with too. Many different girls who were all doing different things. I was happy that I had so many great friends. They were always there for each other, and we always had fun. Who knew you could have so much fun in a small town:).

I had a High School boyfriend. We had dated on and off since I was a Sophomore, and then he left to serve a 2 year mission for my church. I knew that I wanted to date and experience life while he was away. I did, however, want to see what would happen when he got home. He was everything I imagined in my future husband. I wanted someone who was good, honest, happy. I REALLY wanted someone who loved their family, respected their mom, and loved the gospel.

I didn't do anything amazing throughout high school. Mostly just hanging with the girls, the guys, and doing my best at the whole idea of homework(that failed horribly). I danced, and I loved it. I'd only started my Sophomore year of HS, so being that i FINALLY was starting to get the hang of it(that's how I felt anyway) the future months would be a huge blow to a lifelong dream. I didn't get any recognitions for amazing work, or good grades. But I got along with all my teachers, and all the students. School was more of a social gathering at the time. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to be an English teacher, a photographer, and I wanted to do hair. I'd always dreamed of going to some HUGE amazing hair school in California or somewhere. Of course, after I did the real college thing.

I had a close knit group of friends, and was friends with practically everyone else as well. I was never the super popular girl, but I liked knowing people. That HS boyfriend, like I said previously, left in late September to serve a mission for the LDS church my Senior year of High School. I wasn't nearly devastated, but excited for the future. It was hard to have him go, and to not be able to see him for 2 years. The night he left was super hard.(yes i cried lots, and didn't know if i could handle the next 2 years) But I was excited to date, and to be with my friends and just hang out.  I wasn't planning on becoming serious with any  boy. I especially wasn't planning or looking to date anyone that wasn't in High School.

I honestly can't even begin to believe how little it took to get me to where I would be.  I remember how excited I was for my LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. I was so excited for all that awaited! Graduation, parties, friends, dances, EVERYTHING.  I was looking forward to moving and going to school somewhere new. And I was going to work hard and have the best year ever.

What was I thinking then... what was I thinking when I made that first choice to LIKE that person?