Sunday, May 27, 2012

Initially

Initially, after that one boy left on his mission, I was truly hurting. I loved him, and was scared of what the future would bring. I didn't think a little crush would turn into anything.
I really do not remember how I ended up dating E's birth father. I remember he worked at our local grocery store, he was friends with one of my friends. And he came with her to another friends house once. We never had talked, or had any inclination of who the other was. SO, all I can say, is when we finally 'got together' he had some magical hold on me that made me the stupidest person in the world. NO, he did not force me to do anything, I made my own choices and put myself in the situation where something could/did happen.

The firs thing I remember about us being together, is that everything became unimportant. He became the most important thing, and even if I wanted to do something without him, it wasn't possible. The one specific thing that I remember is my Senior year, Homecoming football game. I LOVED going to the sport events while I was in HS, especially football, it was my favorite!  I love cheering on with my friends, wearing old jerseys, or just our school colors. I love watching my boys out on the field playing their hardest.
I remember wanting to go to that game that night. I remember thinking how lame it was that we were fighting over me going to the homecoming game. Isn't that what all Seniors do? Go to the games, dances etc? That should have been a sign right there that we were NOT made for each other. I think I got there at half time, and that's when my friends thought I was nuts and started talking to me about us needing to not be together anymore.  I know that I agreed, but something wouldn't let me go.

My parents weren't big on the idea of me dating a boy outside of High School. They definitely weren't big on me dating someone that wasn't going to be happy when I went with my friends. And DID NOT want me with someone that made me  go anti-my family.  I see it now... I know now... what they were talking about. I knew it then, but thought, "I'm not that kind of girl, nothing will ever happen." And I know that I was the one who really did have control and made the choice to stay in the relationship.

It didn't take long,  before I didn't the unthinkable. I did the deed... slept with someone... I was unmarried, and definitely not sure about this boy, and I had sex. At that point, I felt I couldn't separate myself from this person.  There is a reason you DO NOT have sex before you are married. But that's for another post.
I knew at that time that I was scared. I felt trapped. But mostly, I, ME, MYSELF, made the choice to continue on in the relationship, and let things happen again. In a very few short months, between September and December, I'd been sexually active for the first time in my life, moved out of my parents house to a very dear families house...(another story for a later post), and felt trapped, and not myself.
MONTHS... THREE MONTHS... who, being a Senior in HS, moves out of their parents house for a stupid boy? How easily a simple crush turned into something that was SEVERELY altering my life.

Another reason for me to pull out the journals... so I can remember what I really was thinking, and what was happening.


I quit dancing, I quit spending much time with my friends, I quit believing that there was a life beyond this boy. I thought we'd make it through this "hard time" and be together forever. Man, was I wrong, dumb, and incredibly naieve! And I want to stress, AGAIN, that I don't believe the BF(Birth Father), is the same person he was when this all happened. I know people can change!  But at the time, I don't feel he was a super awesome good guy. And maybe he wasn't that super awesome good guy because we were NOT supposed to be together!







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