dating

There wasn't a lot of time between the time 'we' became 'officially' boy friend/girl friend and the time we found out I was pregnant. I pulled out the old journals last night, December 2002, "He always says he is going to call, and never does, or doesn't till waaaaay later. This is the kind of stuff that makes me think I should have stopped dating him long ago. He isn't honest, ever."  Hmmm. Why didn't I?

October 2002

Here I was, 18 years old, a Senior in HS. 

January 1, 2003

"I moved out 2 days before Christmas. L& All the girls bought me Christmas. They are the most amazing family, I can't wait to see what happens..." "we are still dating, off and on ... New Years was lame, why do I say I love him?" 

"I guess my sister has been telling people that He and I tried to run away and get married... ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

What was I thinking? I remember moments in those few months, and think, there were so many people there trying to make me me SEE. I did see, but yet again, I didn't. 

January 2003,

"I miss my mom, Bad.".  "I went to church today, Ky hugged me, and cried, I miss my mom and Ky."

"I wasn't saying let me go, not in the slightest. i DO still need my mom... but I need her to let me grow. I DON"T think I'm all mature and that I suddenly could do great things when I turned 18. I don't know everything... I'm not bullet proof. I still need my family."

The thought never entered my mind that I could get pregnant, not ever. I guess I didn't think about what COULD happen by being 'intimate'. Maybe that's why girls are so dumb now-a-days. Maybe they don't think its possible. That even WITH protection, they can get pregnant.  I didn't realized that when I made the choice to do the deed, that I was making the choice to take responsibility for EVERYTHING that comes with it. That I was basically saying IM AN ADULT I CAN DO THIS and handle all that comes after. Who knew kissing would lead to that... RIGHT?!  The thought never crossed my mind that I could end up pregnant, we were using protection right? And apparently I did think I was bullet proof That what girls don't get its not 100%, nothing that is "birth control" is 100%. The only way to be 100% protected is called... ABSTINENCE, yes I said it!

Not only for the reason of std's or pregnancy, but for your emotions! I don't believe that the reason you shouldn't have an intimate relationship before you are married is JUST because you could get pregnant. Girls, YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you are getting into by being intimate with someone. Someone you may not be with forever. 

I was SHOCKED when I found out I wasn't the "first" or even the "second"... The higher the number the more nauseous I got. And the more I heard the more I though RUN RUN RUN. But I couldn't... we were going to be "together forever". Good GRIEF you moron! I was, I was a huge idiot, and I knew it was wrong early on, and I should have left. This could have ALL been avoided had I left.

I should have left:

I have said that a lot in this blog. I write it often, but I have said a lot, I regret it, I regret HIM. I don't regret E, but that is because that baby and those 9 months leading up to him taught me SOOO much. And I get to be a part of something bigger, to help other girls. Do I wish I could have NOT done it, yes, and at the same time, I am grateful for what I do know, and what I can do with that knowledge. Its hard to explain, but I'll have to try another time.


and I'm sorry, i can't post pictures of the bf on here. makes me a little queasy ha ha, not to mention I don't want to post someones picture without permission!