Saturday, May 26, 2012

High School

OH High School. I did love going to school, but not to learn. I loved being social with everyone. With seeing my friends, and all the cute boys, and sometimes(OK a little more than sometimes) Skipping class. Remember how I said I was so excited for my Senior year. For those dances, games, social gatherings really. 

My first 3 months of High School went from great, to not so great. 
I went to ONE dance my entire Senior year. It was with a boy I had  HUGE crush on, and he happened to have the same name as the one that left to serve a Mission.  I was a flirt(little did I know), I thought I was just nice and liked to have fun. I always hugged, and called EVERYONE honey, or some other 'pet' name.  My friends and I were geared up for games, dance class(with my 2 best friends), and I was excited to see all my other friends as the Senior Cheer Leaders, or Vistauns, or Senior WHATEVER's there were. 

Its funny how a boy changed all that. I pulled out my old "planners" (yes I have planners, they're great cliff notes to my crazy years) and it made my stomach churn. At the end of September I wrote "I wonder why my friends are mad at me?". And I look at that month and it was full of good and bad days with the boy, and days that I wrote, "I should have hung out with my friends." Looking back, even a year after I placed, I thought, I would have been mad at me too. I think they were mad because... i wouldn't stop... I wouldn't listen to them  when they were seeing what I didn't want to admit or see. I remember so many times hearing, "Jena, what are you doing? Can't you see this is wrong?" or, "He's controlling you, and you're letting him."

Though its hard for me to sit and read all those months, I can't help but hope that SOMEONE can learn from this. I hope that SOMEONE will HEAR what I had to deal with and go through. I hope that they will LISTEN to those around them, those that they truly can trust, and STOP before they get into a harry situation. It is hard for me today, to see people making WRONG choices, or making choices that are gong to end up putting them in bad situations. I try my best to let them go, and to say things in a way that they won't get mad(if I say anything at all). Usually i can't shut my mouth though, because of this story of mine, and I have to tell them STOOOOOOP. I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want them to be where I was. And, then, I have to remember that I didn't listen either. Why, when we are young, do we think we know everything.
Why did I think that just because I'd never been "intimate" with a person before, I could be strong enough to not be with him? It takes a lot of work, on both parts, to NOT have an intimate relationship. To not do things that can lead you closer to that. It takes even more when one of the "parties" has had past 'partners'... And sometimes, they're so smooth, and you're so dumb, that it happens.

One thing I have learned, that I have hoped to have all girls know... If a boy you are dating doesn't want you hanging with your girlfriends, you need a new boyfriend. In most cases they don't want you hanging with your friends cause they're a bit pushy, controlling, or WAY TO OLD for you. I never could get the courage to say no. I don't know why I was so weak at those times to just say NO, and that I wanted to be with my friends. Nothing bad had happened in that first month. Though, the animosity between my parents and I had already been there like a frozen stick of butter you couldn't put a butter knife through. My family already hated us being "us". And even though I had never lied, nothing had happened with us physically, they didn't like him. Mostly, they knew we weren't supposed to be together, it made me ... not me.

I knew that first month that I should stop seeing him. I probably had a few opportunity's to make a "clean break". I couldn't. I didn't. And I should have, if only for my sanity or my emotional stability?

I pulled out a pictures, as well, of me on the first day I met him. Though life is hard, and everyone says you shouldn't regret your past... I do. I don't regret little E, or placing. I am happy that I experienced that, it taught me a ton, I just wish I could change everything before, during, and after that with the "boy" (boy being the birth father.).

It was all about the boy. It was all about rebelling against my parents/family. 
The cops were called one night. They came to his house and said that I had to leave(or something I don't remember).  I sat in the kitchen while he talked to them. WHAT WAS I THINKING! 
ME, little miss, kind of prude-ish, I won't do anything ever... THE COPS! That was a HORRIBLE night at the family home. When i finally got there. Lots of HORRIBLE things were said, and I am pretty sure that was the night I packed my bags, or wanted to? I got slapped across the face, I am SURE I deserved it. I remember the look in my moms eyes that night.  Even typing it... its hard to remember, because I don't want to remember it. I ruined her. I broker her heart. I failed her. What was I thinking? I pray every day that my girls will be better than I was, and that I can teach them to be strong, and stay faithful, and to make GOOD CHOICES.  We have talks a LOT about consequences with Miss K. I hope someday she'll remember those if she gets into a bad situation. Mostly, I hope she just stays away from them all together so she won't have to.

I was STILL retarded... still to attached... and still trying to be good. 
I was never home, rarely with my friends, and FAILING school already. I never liked classes(I'm not good at testing... I did well on assignments, and failed tests, BAD). I just... didn't care. WHO DOESN'T CARE when you are a senior in HS?  Thanksgiving: I wasn't home... They have pictures of it, but I wasn't there. November is a blurr...

I moved in with the missionaries family...

We were juniors... and life was GREAT.

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