Thursday, May 17, 2012

Mothers Day

Mothers Day 2003:
I don't remember it really. It had been a month since I found out I was pregnant. I don't think there was much talk of me being a mother at that time. And I didn't know, at that moment, that Adoption was the road I would be taking. It was all up in the air... a lot of confusion. I wish i remembered what I was doing.
(time to pull out the journals, calendars, etc for memories.)

Mothers Day 2004:
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that day. I wasn't sure that it would bother me, or more so, that it would bother me not being recognized being a mother. I was a mother, just a different kind. I still had an aching in my heart so great that I was about to burst. I wanted to be left alone, and I was living with my parents by that point. I remember watching some "after school special" about a girl who got pregnant and placed her baby after trying to "hide" the pregnancy. They'd decided her mom would raise the baby as her own, and then the daughter didn't like that not long after. She couldn't go to school or work or anything when she decided to try to parent on her own. She decided to place him not long after(while he was quite a bit older). 
The one quote in the movie that still is with me today:

"Only I know how much she loves me, because I got to hear to heart from the inside."

I cried... lots... and then got called upstairs for dinner. I pulled myself together and went up. You couldn't tell I'd cried, but you could tell it was a rough day. I sat down at the table, my mom, older sister and her husband, and my younger sister and brother were there... My dad looked at me and said, "Happy Mothers Day". I cried.
I wanted SOMEONE to acknowledge that I was a mom. i craved for it all day. I carried that little guy... Then he said it and all I could do was cry. I missed that baby so much, and I was so jealous, and so happy at the same time, for his new mommy. For his right mommy. 

Mothers Day 2012:
I got to go visit my mom this year, just me and my newest little man.
I didn't remember it was going to be Mothers Day. But it was kind of nice that way. Not until after, did I realize, that I had my first MD with my own son, just he and I, 8 years later. I was back at the same table, at the same time, and with almost the exact same people. But this time, I sat there with my own son. With a little boy that was mine. Another affirmation that placing little E with his family was right. He was theirs. He was sent to me, to get to them. And this new little guy, he was MINE. We bonded. And I could celebrate even more with E's mom, my now sister and less his adoptive mom, of the happiness she had. 

Today I am so blessed to have my little guy here. That I get to experience all those "firsts". And that I can celebrate even more with S; the joy of having a son. I am so happy that I get to be a part of such a great group of women. I am grateful to be a mother to 2 beautiful girls, and 1 handsome little guy. I am beyond blessed. Life is not easy, but I get to choose to be happy. To relish in the laughter and imagination of my very own kids. I get to be even more lucky that most moms, because I am more grateful for my kids than they can ever be:) (OK so that part might no be completely true, but I feel it is(

You feel a great loss after placing a child for adoption. A Child that you have carried, and bonded with. A Child that you LOVE beyond life itself.  I couldn't wait to be a mom again. To really be a mom, and get to do all those mom things. And when I had my first little girl, it was AMAZING to know I got to take her home, and raise her myself. I held her straight for 2 weeks I'm sure. Maybe longer. I'm glad she chose me, she is quite the little girl. I am glad #2 chose me, and same with the little guy. They are all amazing, and they are all mine!

 Baby Girl K.

Baby Girl MJ

Baby Boy K

AKA, Lou, Roo, & Gus

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