Friday, August 31, 2012

Why I Part One

February 11, 2011

A lot of the time I don't think people deserve/need an explanation on why I chose adoption.  The other day though, and many days when I'm in contact with this person, i feel like I have to justify the reasons why I placed  little E  for adoption.  On those days its hard, because I know why, he knows why, and his parents know why.  So I'm going to post, in shortest details possible, why I placed E for adoption.
In no more words than necessary I was in a VERY unhealthy relationship.  The birth father and I were DEFINITELY not made for each other, and disagreed on most everything and I was treated badly,  and hurt in more ways than one. And I am not sitting here saying I didn't do anything dumb, I did as well. I in turn did stupid things partly because i was manipulated into thinking I wasn't good enough for anyone else.....   I don't need to go into more detail because well, those of you who were around could attest to the horrible situation it was. 
I believe that if I had felt that things could have been better, even if we weren't together and we did the single parent thing with the help of the birth father, I probably would have kept the baby.  The thing is though, I was never once told that he wanted to keep the baby and be a father.  I wanted E to have an ETERNAL family, I knew matter of fact that his father and I would never be involved with the gospel the way I wanted to be.  I was afraid that with how he treated me, that he would treat him the same way.  And I wanted E to be in a healthy household, with a mother and father, and a family who loved all of them.  
I waited a LONG time to decide that WE were going to place E for adoption.  I didn't know what to do and had moved so we didn't really get to talk about what we wanted to do with the baby.  
But, I know why I did it and the feelings that I felt and the guidance from the Holy Ghost in that decision.  I have always tried to stay close to my Heavenly Father.  And even in the times where I've made very wrong decisions, I always prayed, and asked for guidance to get where I needed to be.  
I don't think adoption is for everyone.  I don't think that all single and pregnant girls should place their children for adoption.  I think that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and he'll help us get there.  I can attest as well to the truth that if you ask, you will be guided.  I know many girls that single parented.  I felt as well, that it was the right choice.  
I don't doubt that it wouldn't have been easy, but ya, i could have parented. But it was NOT the right decision for that little boy.  
So, when you look at a picture of my family (his family), don't think that it is sad.  It was hard, it was sad, but it was RIGHT.  The happiness on his face, the smile in his voice when I've been able to talk to him.  The love that his mom and dad and little brother have for him.  It has been almost SEVEN years, SEVEN!!!!  I have been through counseling, groups, and bishops meetings that carried me and taught me to remember why I chose adoption.  I don't know how his dad dealt with it.  In the time that we were still involved after placement he didn't relay any feelings to me, he was a wall about it.  I don't think it was easy for him, it was not easy for me.  But again, it was right.  I am so grateful for the spirit, and the fact that its been shown to me throughout the years that it was right.  I am grateful to recognize the holy ghost and its presence in my life.


I'm also grateful for the experience because I try harder(i think) to be the best mom I can be.  Even when I get short, and have no patience, I often think, "I wonder if S would act like this." I don't believe she does.  She is a incredible mother, and has so much patience.  He truly has the best mom their ever was.  He has the best dad, who plays with him, teaches him and shows him what the priesthood is, and its a blessing.  Its an example to be strong and always have faith.
I don't think I should have to feel like I "owe" someone and explanation, I don't.  I think there will always be two sides to a story, and at this point, this far down the road, those stories don't matter anymore.  Remember that people change, and grow.  I think the way the he and I both ended up shows that people can change.
Remember, its that easy.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

how much do i love them?

December 20, 2009

This is for some of my very special family.
I got an awesome Christmas card yesterday, it was from little E mans family!
And I am happy to share the news that they are starting the adoption process once more!
I may be biased, but lets be honest that I'm not, and let you know this the most PERFECT family in this entire world! And I am SO excited to get the word out to anyone that may know someone who was in a situation I was and is considering the option of adoption.

This is an amazing family, and I hope that they'll get that little baby soon! There aren't words to express how wonderful these people are. Especially not in writing.

SO, friends and family, if you know anyone that is pregnant, and is considering placement, let me know. I'll get the information to them and they'll go from there. I would love to help them add another member to their family. They need a few more little ones, and those boys need a little sibling! I would love for S to get a little girl, but hey, I know they don't care, they just know they have a member of the family that is waiting to come home!
If you don't know my e-mail just leave me a comment and I'll get back to you!


Yes yes yes, I loved them so much that I HAD to share that they were looking to adopt again! Plus, I would do that for anyone!  Plus, I wanted to be involved in someone finding their baby again SOOOOO bad!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Heart

November 6, 2009


I had the opportunity to go to group. I haven't been in over a year and it was SO different. Obviously with it being 6 years the girls I knew were long gone. Six years! Six years ago I looked like those little girls. I wanted to cry right when I walked through the door. They had no idea what they were in for, or what they had JUST experienced! One thing is for sure, they were very quiet, so i talked A LOT, but that's what helps you heal. We talked a lot about choices, and things that remind us of the decisions that we made. Reasons why we placed, or were going to, or reasons why some weren't sure what their plans were. There was one girl who placed not too long ago who is living with an adoptive family. The mom that she was living with was there, and was involved with LDSFS soon after I had placed. The love she has for her birth mothers, and her children, and for that young girl who had just placed was awesome! Anyway, to the story... This girl has been having some 'problems' with her adoptive couple. The 'problem' isn't that she is one of those crazy birth moms and wants to see them all the time and know every minute detail... but she wants to have a relationship with the adoptive couple. She wants them to treat her more as a sister/friend rather than a birth mom. She wishes that they could know how much she loves them and that they have nothing to worry about as far as her feeling uncomfortable with her decision. Its hard for her seeing this couple that she is living with be so loving and accepting of their children's birth parents, and not get that same feeling with hers. She has been guarded in things she has said cause she doesn't want them to feel like they need to guard themselves or feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to hug her cause I can't imagine having a situation where they didn't really want to talk to you! Another girl had JUST turned 16 and was planning on parenting. This girl has such potential, and was beautiful. Her mom was there, and looked like her heart had been stomped on! Oh it was so sad. One thing we always talk about in group, or in any atmosphere when there is a discussion on adoption, is the confirmation you receive when you know what you are supposed to do. One thing was, she wasn't sure that she was making the right decision. She based that decision on the fact that she'd already bought stuff for the baby, and not necessarily because of 'knowing'.

In the end I really wanted to share my MOST FAVORITE scripture to these girls.

D&C 6:22-23

I just felt like they needed to be reminded that our Heavenly Father is right there. And that if you ask a question he WILL answer you, and you will get the answer that is right.

Now, like I've said time and time again.. Adoption is not for everyone. And sometimes girls get the answer that they are supposed to parent. I AGREE with the girls that do parent, when its the right thing to do. I think all girls that have an unexpected pregnancy need to know that if YOU feel the decision you are making is the RIGHT decision, others will feel that as well. The confirmation that the Holy Ghost gives you will be given to those around you. I just hope those girls remember what they are doing and why they are doing it... Adoption is an INCREDIBLE gift. And how appropriate that November is National Adoption Awareness month?! I'll be doing a post just for that!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Im bored

I am a bit bored of my story... at least, tired of trying to remember, or actually remembering.  So I'm going to take a little break from actually writing it and do something different.

Mostly, I am just going to take some posts(a post) at a time, and post it on here. There is no specific order, but it will be a good change for the time being.  Thus, here is a post from my personal/family blog, enjoy.

June 11, 2009
Its amazing having a child of your own. its even more amazing after placing a child how much more love you have for your own children. i am constantly reminded how different life would be, how difficult it would have been had i single-parented. it wasn't the right choice for me. and i am more grateful every day for what having that little boy taught me. the love i have, the able-ness(yes i know that isn't a word) i have to forgive, and the ability i have to recognize the spirit in my life. 

 October 2, 2009
Often I wish forgiveness came easy.
Whether it be for the the forgiver or the one who is receiving that forgiveness.

My heart broke a little more today. Friendships lost because of false statements and because of a past that some people can't let go of. I come back to the Mormon Messages; and being in need of spiritual uplifting have turned off the TV, crude or less than uplifting music, and feigned away from the stupid Internet sites that take away too much of my time.
Instead I've turned on some "Sunday music" and decided to listen to more of this and less of that. I feel that may be the only way to heal my heart.

When you have done what you can to heal a broken something all you can do at that point is live your life and let the lord do the rest. Though it still breaks my heart it doesn't mean that I can't have some healing. I learned 6 years ago the power of forgiveness and the power that a little step can take you.

SIX years, wow how time flies, when friends were there, supporting you. The love you've never experienced before pouring from your soul.
How grateful I am that I have a Heavenly Father than knows my faults, that loves me and will forgive me. I hope my heart will relax a little more today.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Family-o-Mine Pt 2.

With all the craziness that was me, when it came to the adoption or my family... or the BF, they were still so loving and caring. They still told me they loved me, and said it was OK that I was open with them. I still they they are crazy for saying that but hey, aren't we all sometimes.

The thing is, these adoptive couples, who we have chosen, never HAVE to keep in contact with us. They don't, its that simple. In MY opinion that is, its that simple. They didn't have to send me pictures after the first 6 months, they didn't have to do anything. But 8 years later, they still give me a call every once in a while, they still come see me when I'm down visiting(which isn't often), and have done so much through their words and actions.  They are the most loving, honest, happy, awesome people ever. They are spiritual giants, always ready to help someone in need. They love everyone, and are just... perfect.

This isn't to say that I haven't continued to be crazy in the years after the first of placement... I still have issues, but usually its because life has continued to hand me some dirt... it is my choice what I do with it. And, at times, I have failed miserably in taking it gracefully and just putting Happy face on. I always say I can only take so much.  One constant though, is that placing was right, the Gospel is true, and I know (well I remember now), that my Heavenly Father loves me.  He can only do so much for us before we have to take the reigns and make our own choices. He can place things in our paths to direct us, but it is ultimately our choice whether or not to Choose the Right.  Even when the right isn't easy.  

They chose to stay around, and support the crazy. :) they stayed and showed me they loved me and reminded me so often that I did the right thing. 

I can't tell you how fun it has been to call them and let them know that I was pregnant, and that we were going to be sealed... all those little things that are so great!  I wish they could have been there for some of those, but life is crazy. I can't expect much from anyone with kids, cause even myself is overwhelmed with what it entails. But its worth it. 

Thank you, my little P family, for you never ending love!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Love that Family o-mine

I had forgotten to get permission to post the pictures of my 'family' before I hit PUBLISH, so I sent a little quick e-mail asking if they were cool with that. I always know what the answer will be but it is so nice to hear it:).

I just have to say a few things about them, after reading further into my Journal, and further through their letters...

I was not the easiest Bmom to deal with, seriously. Not that I was always saying how much I wanted him back or that I hated them forever yada yada. But I have a mouth that throws up before thinking. Pretty much, I am EXTREMELY open, and often it doesn't take much to get me talking. Which is quite the opposite when I get around large groups, church, places where I dont' know people. I often sit quietly, and keep to myself when I am at church. Even if I feel I have something good to add to the lesson, I usually keep quiet. I don't like all the attention it brings to me... I know, if you knew me at all you would all be bustin a gut right now.  Really, I am crazy, I will fully admit it!
ANYWAY,  It wasn't the smartest of choices to stay with the BF after placing.. it wasn't a good idea during either, but for some reason, that boy made me more crazy that I already was. I had some sever PPD, it is real, and those who think it isn't can kiss my buns-o-love.  I talked a lot with my counselor about possibly taking some medication for a while, but opted to try to talk it out and work it out before going to medication.  In the time I was still trying to figure things out I went koo koo about not getting a letter in time. Mostly, I was concerned that I may have said something to bother them, or offend them, or that they didn't love me anymore, or that they didn't care anymore, or that maybe R got hurt, or S got hurt, or E(who used to be C) got hurt... All those crazy things that run through a post pregnancy mind. One of the first things I wrote about R&S goes as follows: "10-9-2003--- We got the 7 rolls of film back today. I was so happy! When i got to the roll of placing... I just cried. It was so hard to see S and R's faces. It was complete joy and complete pain all in one. I love you ECP."  10-11-03, "I really don't like those pictures, I mean, I do  but I don't."  I continued to write about how I was really down and really concerned about not getting pictures.

One thing I knew, and still know, is that R&S love me! Even at 27 years old, I feel like I am a little kid(when it comes to some things) and it is so great being loved by someone. They truly are my big brother and sister. Its so fun talking to them, or their family members. Its so fun seeing how they have all grown, and how old all those little babies are.  I feel about them as I do my own sisters and brothers. I can call them and say, "Hey I'm coming down, I'd love to get together." They would, and will, every time they can.  I always know that they will do what they can, when they can, and if its right.  They are the best parents ever. EVER. I often thing of them doing things with their kids. Wondering if they have any advice that could help me with my crazy 4 year old. 
I even wrote those few days after placing, "I started to wonder what R&S did at dinner time. Where you would be? In the living room asleep, in the chair in the kitchen, your room? I just don't know... I wonder what you 3 are doing."  

The pain that followed those first days of placement slipped my mind. I really was depressed. And I was still trying to talk myself into not being with the BF, and trying to remember that this was all right. There were moments that I woke up and would just lay in bed. The world was against me, at least that was how I felt. I wondered how Heavenly Father could let me feel this way if I was doing the right thing.  That is what I remember most, why could He let me feel this way?  Its all part of the Consequence for my Choice. Plus, they never said what was worth it was easy.  I was having issues because the BF was already out with other girls.. again... that I knew of anyway. I still don't know why I stayed. Why we even pretended that we should be together.  He knew it wasn't supposed to be... so did I. 

Things were so up and down, life was so crazy, and I know why(now I do anyway).  I still wasn't turning to the Lord, and if anything, turning further away.  I was angry, and hurt. But couldn't help but wonder why because I KNEW that it was right.  So, I started to make a change, I started to read my scriptures and pray. 

Days following we found out where the mix-up had been. The letters had been ready to send, taken to their caseworker... but either they didn't send them, or the Post office didn't do something... so they Faxed a letter to me, and then i sent one right back, and they sent ANOTHER. "By far, they made up. you look just like Riley!"  

Post Placement

As we hugged for the last time and walked out of the room, I felt a strange ping of strength. I felt it odd that my heart and body could feel so heavy, and yet, my feet were carrying me easily out of the door, down those back stairs to that black altima.  The sun was shining, and it was much warmer than I had anticipated. I guess that was better; better than a drag gray non-sun shining day.  I was a little overheated in my outfit, and definitely needed a change of clothes. I felt a little claustrophobic at the moment.
We walked out the front of the office, and headed out the door. My parents stopped and gave me a hug, and we went our separate ways. The went down the front stairs, and us the back. I haven't seen that hallway in a long time!  Today, I wish I would have gone with them. I wonder, even now, what they did after we left. I wonder, did they cry? Did they hurt and ache like I was? Or, maybe, were they relieved to have that moment over? Honestly, I felt relieved it was over. I kept playing over and over in my head the days before we had him; sitting on the floor at my parents just hoping those contractions would continue so I could just get it over with.  The drive to the hospital, getting in that gown and sitting in the bed. Watching a movie that I really didn't focus on.  I wanted to get to the part to be over so I could just stop wondering... any maybe even hoping that the BF mind would change, or someone would tell me not to do it. Those moments never happened. It was better, I knew it was, I could feel that it was. Again, that strange feeling of strength.

We drove to my BF house. We stopped at got a little Cesar's Pizza on the way, I hadn't eaten in probably 24 hours, and I still wasn't hungry. I ate one piece and felt sick. I sat down on his bed and went to sleep. I stayed there ... and all I could do to not get up and run out of the house was to just let myself cry.  I couldn't sleep that night, and tossed and turned. 
"I woke up every hour, at times forgetting you weren't there. I would stop and look and ache for you. At six I woke up; and cried till 11. Sandy was supposed to call at 9 to let us know how your first night went.  I called right when she got there to the office. she hadn't even had tome to call. She asked if there was anything specifically I wanted her to say and the only thing I could think was that I wanted to know every single detail."

I sat there waiting, and wondering what was going on, and how it went. I prayed that he would have had a hard night, and prayed that he didn't. I said the night before, "If he cries tonight this is so wrong..."  I was wishing a baby not to cry, we all know how possible that was!  
"She called back, she said you didn't cry at all. you woke up with hiccups and just looked at everything. I knew you would be OK when she said you didn't cry that night. After I got off the phone I couldn't help but cry. I felt like I had lost the best part of my life.... but also, that I will have made you a happier and better boy!" Moments later, watching morning TV, the LDS Family Services commercial for adoption came on...
I wanted to be back in that chair, with baby C in my tummy... I couldn't believe how absolutely hard this was!

Because I placed out of state, we had to sign 2 sets of Relinquishment papers. 1 for my state, and one for theirs. If the first time wasn't bad, this was worse. I guess without him there I was able to pay closer attention. those words cut like a knife. It was official... it was done.  All I wanted was to have him back in my arms.
"We went to eat, and I cried again. I couldn't believe what I had done. I had carried this precious and special boy for 9 months. I grew so close to him, loved him, then gave birth to him, held him and then placed him in someone else's arms.  Caleb, I love you so so much. I hope you know and knew that."

The days following were filled with not wanting to get out of bed, holding onto my bear for dear life. I had to go to work a few days after, showing his pictures to some of the women made me cry, but I did well the rest of the day.  That was until I got to Sandy's office to pick up a letter and pictures from R&S that were there. "It made me wish I hadn't done what I did. Yet, in the back of my mind I knew that it was right. From then until later that afternoon I was really sad, and even mad.  R&S decided to change your name, to switch your middle with your first. There were a LOT of Caleb's around. They told me I could keep calling you Caleb, I might, but its not your first name.  I was upset, but then I was fine, I mean, you are theirs."

I felt continuously that my life was never going to be better, and that this aching and pain was never going to leave my body. The days led me to wonder what they were thinking, how they were feeling.  I can't lie, I was happy that they had him, that they loved him. They were everything I wanted for him. Then, when I got a letter and pictures it made me mad seeing S with him. I knew those feelings were wrong, and those were the moments I prayed the hardest to make me remember why I placed.  He was perfect, happy, and in a home with his Mom, Dad, Nana, Papa, and so many others that loved him. He was exactly where he needed to be.   "The only think holding me together is the reassurance of your dad and mom. They are truly amazing and I love and respect them."

I prayed more in those months of pregnancy than I had in my whole life. I always felt a little extra love from my Heavenly Father, or maybe, he loved me enough to let the spirit be with me a little more often than usual. After placing I could feel that slipping away, I could feel that I needed to get back on my own two spiritual feet and start PUSHING forward with my life. I needed to get back up on that horse an ride. I prayed and prayed so often that I could be carried again, helped, and healed. I was surprised that the days were getting easier, but still had those moments of great pain.  I began to read my scriptures again, and knew hard choices were coming... they needed to be done.

Just a month later, I wrote a list of things to remember to write in my next letter:

10-31-03
Things to write to S:
Send pictures of you with him!
Take a picture in his blue shirt, lucky pants, and red jacket when he fits in them.
There was no way I could/did feel betrayed
Tell about Lisa
My middle name
i LOVE softball, so jealous of T being able to play and being so talented
Do they know Stoney & Allison?
her story about the mtc... does he?

I quickly got over the whole being mad thing... that month flew by, and my love for that family grew and grew!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Placement Day

The night before, the day we signed, I packed up and got ready to go home the next day. 
Little man did NOT want to sleep.  He would not let me put him down. I was content to hold him, and willing to stay up all night with him. I knew my time was short with him.  "BF talked me into sending him to the nursery so we could get some sleep.  So we did, at 2 in the morning. I slept horribly.  At 6 I was up and in the nursery. Holding you and waiting for the DR to come do the rounds and bring you back to us."

I wasn't prepared for that day. I am not sure any Birth Mom is ready for that day.  I still felt that peace in my heart, in my soul. I knew that I was so utterly unprepared. I knew that what I was doing was for him. It was the love I had for him, the want for a better life, for a better family, for a forever family that was having to be replayed in my mind. I couldn't have taken him home, I didn't have one. I couldn't marry his dad, he didn't want the same things I did.  I felt nauseous all morning. I was exhausted and wanted to just go home... with him.  
My mom and sister came to help me take all the flowers and gifts we got home. They brought along a little outfit to bring you home in.  I'd gotten him another one a week or so before, but wanted that one out to send him home with his mom and dad in.  He looked so cute.  BF's mom also came to say goodbye, I don't really remember much about that.

I sat one more moment to read the letter that we had received from R & S while we were in the hospital.  His name... had we decided which one?  He was definitely Caleb.  I still wondered if we'd discussed that we chose that name for him as well. I wondered if they did it on purpose? Did you?:)  I wished S could be there with me right now. I wish they could have been there the whole time.  I wanted nothing more than to keep this little baby of ours. But at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to be taking him from the hospital, together.  I wanted a picture of she and I with him. "MOM'S".  

I felt the moment we left the hospital that the "faith and courage" that R & S had stated us having, well, it was there. I had the faith, I didn't know if I had the courage though.  We had permission from our Case Worker to take him to my house for a little while. I wanted to spend time with him OUTSIDE of the hospital.
We stopped by BF's house, for what? His roommate came out and took a picture of him with his phone. That was one of the moments that was hard. I remember saying, "This is our Caleb." and then thinking, well he kind of is ours. 
" It took us a minute to get the seat belt to work, but we did, and then brought you to the house. We cuddled you, fed and changed you, and took lots of pictures.  Leenie also came and did a little "photo shoot" of the 3 of us. You don't like being undressed!"



 i think the 0-3 was a bit ... big



I can't help but feel all over again those moments. I can't help but feel and insurmountable love for that little boy.  He changed me, and my life. Everything changed. That Choice, he was my destination in that choice. He was the FUTURE, of every decision I made.  He made me want to be better. SO BETTER!
I remember him holding my hand, I remember never wanting him to let go. The house was quieter than it had been, EVER. Everything was done slowly. Everything was done as if he would break. I had to soak it all in, moments from now he would be out of my arms. He wouldn't be mine anymore.  My little brother and sisters came home from school to say goodbye.  I was a little unfocused on anything but him. My little brother pulled out my grandmas old, HUGE, shoulder camera and got a little bit of video of him with us.  I just wanted that video to be a memory, and to have him there forever. 
" ...everyone left. BF, you, and I took a nap. I asked if we could just sleep through the appointment but he said we couldn't.  We were late though."
My dad drove with BF and I to LDS Family Services.  I sat in back with little Caleb, and he and BF sat in front.  My dad reached his hand back, and held it as I cried all the way to the building.  My dad had the best hands for holding, and I could feel him hurting for me.  "I wanted to just run away with you. As we walked into Sandy's office I just cried and cried, I swear you had a messy diaper, and thought I would leave that for R & S so they could REALLY get to experience the firsts ..."  
We got him ready, and my mom had stopped and gotten a basket full of things to send with R&S. Things that told them about us. Things we liked, and things we did.  
I held him as we walked in the room. I was so excited to see R&S, I had missed them so much, and now we were ready to change lives. We hugged and I got to tell them about labor and delivery. It was hard to look at them, not because I was angry, but I felt scared. I felt scared for everything that was about to happen. We gave them the basket of items, and they had a gift for Me, and one for BF as well. 
I had letters, 5 to be exact, that S's sisters had written to me. To this day, they are the most amazing letters I have ever received! Also, they each sent a gift along with the letters. Was I spoiled or what? I would take being called their sister any day. They are all beautiful, strong, and faithful women. D's letter especially helped, I don't know why hers did specifically at the time, but I wrote how I could feel her faith coming off the pages. They were all filled with love, faith, gratitude, and more love. I know their prayers and faith in God was a big reason that I made it through to this point. And I loved them all so much.

The time had come to place him in the arms of his mom and dad. We had decided to put him in their arms "together", I don't know why I didn't even really get to hold him through the talking. But, we did, together we placed him in his Moms arms.  Mine immediately ached, and I wanted to grab you right back. For a moment I looked up and saw S... She was your mom. I swear it took everything she had not to squeeze you to death. She was beautiful, and she was right where she was supposed to be, and you were right where you were supposed to be. With your mom and dad. The way R was looking at you I will forever have engraved in my mind. That was what a Father was. Strong, faithful, worthy, and GREAT, he was perfect. They were perfect.  It was the THE hardest time in my life and the best time of my life all at once. I knew all that I was doing, and how right it was. But it was still breaking my heart.

We took a moment to hug, and my mom and dad gave him a kiss and said goodbye.  Sandy and S's mom had the cameras, and were snapping as many pictures as they could.  At one point, R said something funny, what, I don't know, but we all laughed.  He did that, he knew what to say and how to say it to make a hard moment ... easier.  







(yes the BF face is out, not to be mean, but its just not comfortable)

There are moments in this that you will never know EVER. I can never get you to understand the impact or pure amazement that came with this day. You will never know what we were feeling, and the strength that our Heavenly Father gave to me on that day. You will never know of the love I have for those 2 people, or the love I have for their families!  At moments I wish everyone could experience the part that comes after placing a child. The part that I still have to tell. I wish everyone could know how much to love their babies, because not everyone can have them. How much us Birth Moms love our own children when we finally get to have them as well. My heroes, are in those pictures up there. They saved me in ways no one could. And I love them more than anyone could... 

And that day, wasn't even half over.