Post Placement

As we hugged for the last time and walked out of the room, I felt a strange ping of strength. I felt it odd that my heart and body could feel so heavy, and yet, my feet were carrying me easily out of the door, down those back stairs to that black altima.  The sun was shining, and it was much warmer than I had anticipated. I guess that was better; better than a drag gray non-sun shining day.  I was a little overheated in my outfit, and definitely needed a change of clothes. I felt a little claustrophobic at the moment.

We walked out the front of the office, and headed out the door. My parents stopped and gave me a hug, and we went our separate ways. The went down the front stairs, and us the back. I haven't seen that hallway in a long time!  Today, I wish I would have gone with them. I wonder, even now, what they did after we left. I wonder, did they cry? Did they hurt and ache like I was? Or, maybe, were they relieved to have that moment over? Honestly, I felt relieved it was over. I kept playing over and over in my head the days before we had him; sitting on the floor at my parents just hoping those contractions would continue so I could just get it over with.  The drive to the hospital, getting in that gown and sitting in the bed. Watching a movie that I really didn't focus on.  I wanted to get to the part to be over so I could just stop wondering... any maybe even hoping that the BF mind would change, or someone would tell me not to do it. Those moments never happened. It was better, I knew it was, I could feel that it was. Again, that strange feeling of strength.

We drove to my BF house. We stopped at got a little Cesar's Pizza on the way, I hadn't eaten in probably 24 hours, and I still wasn't hungry. I ate one piece and felt sick. I sat down on his bed and went to sleep. I stayed there ... and all I could do to not get up and run out of the house was to just let myself cry.  I couldn't sleep that night, and tossed and turned. 

"I woke up every hour, at times forgetting you weren't there. I would stop and look and ache for you. At six I woke up; and cried till 11. Sandy was supposed to call at 9 to let us know how your first night went.  I called right when she got there to the office. she hadn't even had tome to call. She asked if there was anything specifically I wanted her to say and the only thing I could think was that I wanted to know every single detail."

I sat there waiting, and wondering what was going on, and how it went. I prayed that he would have had a hard night, and prayed that he didn't. I said the night before, "If he cries tonight this is so wrong..."  I was wishing a baby not to cry, we all know how possible that was!  

"She called back, she said you didn't cry at all. you woke up with hiccups and just looked at everything. I knew you would be OK when she said you didn't cry that night. After I got off the phone I couldn't help but cry. I felt like I had lost the best part of my life.... but also, that I will have made you a happier and better boy!" Moments later, watching morning TV, the LDS Family Services commercial for adoption came on...

I wanted to be back in that chair, with baby C in my tummy... I couldn't believe how absolutely hard this was!

Because I placed out of state, we had to sign 2 sets of Relinquishment papers. 1 for my state, and one for theirs. If the first time wasn't bad, this was worse. I guess without him there I was able to pay closer attention. those words cut like a knife. It was official... it was done.  All I wanted was to have him back in my arms.

"We went to eat, and I cried again. I couldn't believe what I had done. I had carried this precious and special boy for 9 months. I grew so close to him, loved him, then gave birth to him, held him and then placed him in someone else's arms.  Caleb, I love you so so much. I hope you know and knew that."

The days following were filled with not wanting to get out of bed, holding onto my bear for dear life. I had to go to work a few days after, showing his pictures to some of the women made me cry, but I did well the rest of the day.  That was until I got to Sandy's office to pick up a letter and pictures from R&S that were there. "It made me wish I hadn't done what I did. Yet, in the back of my mind I knew that it was right. From then until later that afternoon I was really sad, and even mad.  R&S decided to change your name, to switch your middle with your first. There were a LOT of Caleb's around. They told me I could keep calling you Caleb, I might, but its not your first name.  I was upset, but then I was fine, I mean, you are theirs."

I felt continuously that my life was never going to be better, and that this aching and pain was never going to leave my body. The days led me to wonder what they were thinking, how they were feeling.  I can't lie, I was happy that they had him, that they loved him. They were everything I wanted for him. Then, when I got a letter and pictures it made me mad seeing S with him. I knew those feelings were wrong, and those were the moments I prayed the hardest to make me remember why I placed.  He was perfect, happy, and in a home with his Mom, Dad, Nana, Papa, and so many others that loved him. He was exactly where he needed to be.   "The only think holding me together is the reassurance of your dad and mom. They are truly amazing and I love and respect them."

I prayed more in those months of pregnancy than I had in my whole life. I always felt a little extra love from my Heavenly Father, or maybe, he loved me enough to let the spirit be with me a little more often than usual. After placing I could feel that slipping away, I could feel that I needed to get back on my own two spiritual feet and start PUSHING forward with my life. I needed to get back up on that horse an ride. I prayed and prayed so often that I could be carried again, helped, and healed. I was surprised that the days were getting easier, but still had those moments of great pain.  I began to read my scriptures again, and knew hard choices were coming... they needed to be done.

Just a month later, I wrote a list of things to remember to write in my next letter:

10-31-03
Things to write to S:
Send pictures of you with him!
Take a picture in his blue shirt, lucky pants, and red jacket when he fits in them.
There was no way I could/did feel betrayed
Tell about Lisa
My middle name
i LOVE softball, so jealous of T being able to play and being so talented
Do they know Stoney & Allison?
her story about the mtc... does he?

I quickly got over the whole being mad thing... that month flew by, and my love for that family grew and grew!