Placement Day

The night before, the day we signed, I packed up and got ready to go home the next day. 

Little man did NOT want to sleep.  He would not let me put him down. I was content to hold him, and willing to stay up all night with him. I knew my time was short with him.  "BF talked me into sending him to the nursery so we could get some sleep.  So we did, at 2 in the morning. I slept horribly.  At 6 I was up and in the nursery. Holding you and waiting for the DR to come do the rounds and bring you back to us."

I wasn't prepared for that day. I am not sure any Birth Mom is ready for that day.  I still felt that peace in my heart, in my soul. I knew that I was so utterly unprepared. I knew that what I was doing was for him. It was the love I had for him, the want for a better life, for a better family, for a forever family that was having to be replayed in my mind. I couldn't have taken him home, I didn't have one. I couldn't marry his dad, he didn't want the same things I did.  I felt nauseous all morning. I was exhausted and wanted to just go home... with him.  

My mom and sister came to help me take all the flowers and gifts we got home. They brought along a little outfit to bring you home in.  I'd gotten him another one a week or so before, but wanted that one out to send him home with his mom and dad in.  He looked so cute.  BF's mom also came to say goodbye, I don't really remember much about that.

I sat one more moment to read the letter that we had received from R & S while we were in the hospital.  His name... had we decided which one?  He was definitely Caleb.  I still wondered if we'd discussed that we chose that name for him as well. I wondered if they did it on purpose? Did you?:)  I wished S could be there with me right now. I wish they could have been there the whole time.  I wanted nothing more than to keep this little baby of ours. But at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to be taking him from the hospital, together.  I wanted a picture of she and I with him. "MOM'S".  

I felt the moment we left the hospital that the "faith and courage" that R & S had stated us having, well, it was there. I had the faith, I didn't know if I had the courage though.  We had permission from our Case Worker to take him to my house for a little while. I wanted to spend time with him OUTSIDE of the hospital.

We stopped by BF's house, for what? His roommate came out and took a picture of him with his phone. That was one of the moments that was hard. I remember saying, "This is our Caleb." and then thinking, well he kind of is ours. 

" It took us a minute to get the seat belt to work, but we did, and then brought you to the house. We cuddled you, fed and changed you, and took lots of pictures.  Leenie also came and did a little "photo shoot" of the 3 of us. You don't like being undressed!"

 i think the 0-3 was a bit ... big

I can't help but feel all over again those moments. I can't help but feel and insurmountable love for that little boy.  He changed me, and my life. Everything changed. That Choice, he was my destination in that choice. He was the FUTURE, of every decision I made.  He made me want to be better. SO BETTER!

I remember him holding my hand, I remember never wanting him to let go. The house was quieter than it had been, EVER. Everything was done slowly. Everything was done as if he would break. I had to soak it all in, moments from now he would be out of my arms. He wouldn't be mine anymore.  My little brother and sisters came home from school to say goodbye.  I was a little unfocused on anything but him. My little brother pulled out my grandmas old, HUGE, shoulder camera and got a little bit of video of him with us.  I just wanted that video to be a memory, and to have him there forever. 

" ...everyone left. BF, you, and I took a nap. I asked if we could just sleep through the appointment but he said we couldn't.  We were late though."

My dad drove with BF and I to LDS Family Services.  I sat in back with little Caleb, and he and BF sat in front.  My dad reached his hand back, and held it as I cried all the way to the building.  My dad had the best hands for holding, and I could feel him hurting for me.  "I wanted to just run away with you. As we walked into Sandy's office I just cried and cried, I swear you had a messy diaper, and thought I would leave that for R & S so they could REALLY get to experience the firsts ..."  

We got him ready, and my mom had stopped and gotten a basket full of things to send with R&S. Things that told them about us. Things we liked, and things we did.  

I held him as we walked in the room. I was so excited to see R&S, I had missed them so much, and now we were ready to change lives. We hugged and I got to tell them about labor and delivery. It was hard to look at them, not because I was angry, but I felt scared. I felt scared for everything that was about to happen. We gave them the basket of items, and they had a gift for Me, and one for BF as well. 

I had letters, 5 to be exact, that S's sisters had written to me. To this day, they are the most amazing letters I have ever received! Also, they each sent a gift along with the letters. Was I spoiled or what? I would take being called their sister any day. They are all beautiful, strong, and faithful women. D's letter especially helped, I don't know why hers did specifically at the time, but I wrote how I could feel her faith coming off the pages. They were all filled with love, faith, gratitude, and more love. I know their prayers and faith in God was a big reason that I made it through to this point. And I loved them all so much.

The time had come to place him in the arms of his mom and dad. We had decided to put him in their arms "together", I don't know why I didn't even really get to hold him through the talking. But, we did, together we placed him in his Moms arms.  Mine immediately ached, and I wanted to grab you right back. For a moment I looked up and saw S... She was your mom. I swear it took everything she had not to squeeze you to death. She was beautiful, and she was right where she was supposed to be, and you were right where you were supposed to be. With your mom and dad. The way R was looking at you I will forever have engraved in my mind. That was what a Father was. Strong, faithful, worthy, and GREAT, he was perfect. They were perfect.  It was the THE hardest time in my life and the best time of my life all at once. I knew all that I was doing, and how right it was. But it was still breaking my heart.

We took a moment to hug, and my mom and dad gave him a kiss and said goodbye.  Sandy and S's mom had the cameras, and were snapping as many pictures as they could.  At one point, R said something funny, what, I don't know, but we all laughed.  He did that, he knew what to say and how to say it to make a hard moment ... easier.  

(yes the BF face is out, not to be mean, but its just not comfortable)

There are moments in this that you will never know EVER. I can never get you to understand the impact or pure amazement that came with this day. You will never know what we were feeling, and the strength that our Heavenly Father gave to me on that day. You will never know of the love I have for those 2 people, or the love I have for their families!  At moments I wish everyone could experience the part that comes after placing a child. The part that I still have to tell. I wish everyone could know how much to love their babies, because not everyone can have them. How much us Birth Moms love our own children when we finally get to have them as well. My heroes, are in those pictures up there. They saved me in ways no one could. And I love them more than anyone could... 

And that day, wasn't even half over.