Friday, August 31, 2012

Why I Part One

February 11, 2011

A lot of the time I don't think people deserve/need an explanation on why I chose adoption.  The other day though, and many days when I'm in contact with this person, i feel like I have to justify the reasons why I placed  little E  for adoption.  On those days its hard, because I know why, he knows why, and his parents know why.  So I'm going to post, in shortest details possible, why I placed E for adoption.
In no more words than necessary I was in a VERY unhealthy relationship.  The birth father and I were DEFINITELY not made for each other, and disagreed on most everything and I was treated badly,  and hurt in more ways than one. And I am not sitting here saying I didn't do anything dumb, I did as well. I in turn did stupid things partly because i was manipulated into thinking I wasn't good enough for anyone else.....   I don't need to go into more detail because well, those of you who were around could attest to the horrible situation it was. 
I believe that if I had felt that things could have been better, even if we weren't together and we did the single parent thing with the help of the birth father, I probably would have kept the baby.  The thing is though, I was never once told that he wanted to keep the baby and be a father.  I wanted E to have an ETERNAL family, I knew matter of fact that his father and I would never be involved with the gospel the way I wanted to be.  I was afraid that with how he treated me, that he would treat him the same way.  And I wanted E to be in a healthy household, with a mother and father, and a family who loved all of them.  
I waited a LONG time to decide that WE were going to place E for adoption.  I didn't know what to do and had moved so we didn't really get to talk about what we wanted to do with the baby.  
But, I know why I did it and the feelings that I felt and the guidance from the Holy Ghost in that decision.  I have always tried to stay close to my Heavenly Father.  And even in the times where I've made very wrong decisions, I always prayed, and asked for guidance to get where I needed to be.  
I don't think adoption is for everyone.  I don't think that all single and pregnant girls should place their children for adoption.  I think that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and he'll help us get there.  I can attest as well to the truth that if you ask, you will be guided.  I know many girls that single parented.  I felt as well, that it was the right choice.  
I don't doubt that it wouldn't have been easy, but ya, i could have parented. But it was NOT the right decision for that little boy.  
So, when you look at a picture of my family (his family), don't think that it is sad.  It was hard, it was sad, but it was RIGHT.  The happiness on his face, the smile in his voice when I've been able to talk to him.  The love that his mom and dad and little brother have for him.  It has been almost SEVEN years, SEVEN!!!!  I have been through counseling, groups, and bishops meetings that carried me and taught me to remember why I chose adoption.  I don't know how his dad dealt with it.  In the time that we were still involved after placement he didn't relay any feelings to me, he was a wall about it.  I don't think it was easy for him, it was not easy for me.  But again, it was right.  I am so grateful for the spirit, and the fact that its been shown to me throughout the years that it was right.  I am grateful to recognize the holy ghost and its presence in my life.

I'm also grateful for the experience because I try harder(i think) to be the best mom I can be.  Even when I get short, and have no patience, I often think, "I wonder if S would act like this." I don't believe she does.  She is a incredible mother, and has so much patience.  He truly has the best mom their ever was.  He has the best dad, who plays with him, teaches him and shows him what the priesthood is, and its a blessing.  Its an example to be strong and always have faith.
I don't think I should have to feel like I "owe" someone and explanation, I don't.  I think there will always be two sides to a story, and at this point, this far down the road, those stories don't matter anymore.  Remember that people change, and grow.  I think the way the he and I both ended up shows that people can change.
Remember, its that easy.

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