Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Love that Family o-mine

I had forgotten to get permission to post the pictures of my 'family' before I hit PUBLISH, so I sent a little quick e-mail asking if they were cool with that. I always know what the answer will be but it is so nice to hear it:).

I just have to say a few things about them, after reading further into my Journal, and further through their letters...

I was not the easiest Bmom to deal with, seriously. Not that I was always saying how much I wanted him back or that I hated them forever yada yada. But I have a mouth that throws up before thinking. Pretty much, I am EXTREMELY open, and often it doesn't take much to get me talking. Which is quite the opposite when I get around large groups, church, places where I dont' know people. I often sit quietly, and keep to myself when I am at church. Even if I feel I have something good to add to the lesson, I usually keep quiet. I don't like all the attention it brings to me... I know, if you knew me at all you would all be bustin a gut right now.  Really, I am crazy, I will fully admit it!
ANYWAY,  It wasn't the smartest of choices to stay with the BF after placing.. it wasn't a good idea during either, but for some reason, that boy made me more crazy that I already was. I had some sever PPD, it is real, and those who think it isn't can kiss my buns-o-love.  I talked a lot with my counselor about possibly taking some medication for a while, but opted to try to talk it out and work it out before going to medication.  In the time I was still trying to figure things out I went koo koo about not getting a letter in time. Mostly, I was concerned that I may have said something to bother them, or offend them, or that they didn't love me anymore, or that they didn't care anymore, or that maybe R got hurt, or S got hurt, or E(who used to be C) got hurt... All those crazy things that run through a post pregnancy mind. One of the first things I wrote about R&S goes as follows: "10-9-2003--- We got the 7 rolls of film back today. I was so happy! When i got to the roll of placing... I just cried. It was so hard to see S and R's faces. It was complete joy and complete pain all in one. I love you ECP."  10-11-03, "I really don't like those pictures, I mean, I do  but I don't."  I continued to write about how I was really down and really concerned about not getting pictures.

One thing I knew, and still know, is that R&S love me! Even at 27 years old, I feel like I am a little kid(when it comes to some things) and it is so great being loved by someone. They truly are my big brother and sister. Its so fun talking to them, or their family members. Its so fun seeing how they have all grown, and how old all those little babies are.  I feel about them as I do my own sisters and brothers. I can call them and say, "Hey I'm coming down, I'd love to get together." They would, and will, every time they can.  I always know that they will do what they can, when they can, and if its right.  They are the best parents ever. EVER. I often thing of them doing things with their kids. Wondering if they have any advice that could help me with my crazy 4 year old. 
I even wrote those few days after placing, "I started to wonder what R&S did at dinner time. Where you would be? In the living room asleep, in the chair in the kitchen, your room? I just don't know... I wonder what you 3 are doing."  

The pain that followed those first days of placement slipped my mind. I really was depressed. And I was still trying to talk myself into not being with the BF, and trying to remember that this was all right. There were moments that I woke up and would just lay in bed. The world was against me, at least that was how I felt. I wondered how Heavenly Father could let me feel this way if I was doing the right thing.  That is what I remember most, why could He let me feel this way?  Its all part of the Consequence for my Choice. Plus, they never said what was worth it was easy.  I was having issues because the BF was already out with other girls.. again... that I knew of anyway. I still don't know why I stayed. Why we even pretended that we should be together.  He knew it wasn't supposed to be... so did I. 

Things were so up and down, life was so crazy, and I know why(now I do anyway).  I still wasn't turning to the Lord, and if anything, turning further away.  I was angry, and hurt. But couldn't help but wonder why because I KNEW that it was right.  So, I started to make a change, I started to read my scriptures and pray. 

Days following we found out where the mix-up had been. The letters had been ready to send, taken to their caseworker... but either they didn't send them, or the Post office didn't do something... so they Faxed a letter to me, and then i sent one right back, and they sent ANOTHER. "By far, they made up. you look just like Riley!"  

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