Thursday, October 1, 2015

Twelve Years

12 years ago.

Today, at 1:00 I was supposed to have been at LDSFS to place my baby boy in the arms of his mom and dad.  His eternal family was waiting for him, just like they had been for years. The difference on that day, was the waiting was ending in the physical presence of their child.  

I can look back today and cry because of all the little miracles that took place that led me to them.  All the tender mercies that allowed hearts to be softened, and hearts to be filled with faith as we made a decision to place our child for adoption.  
After laying my own baby down for a nap today, I am blessed, even more, of the knowledge i have of eternal families.  The fact that these children were sent to me, and i get the privilege to be the mom I always wanted to be.  That even though the time was not right for me to be E's mom, the time was right for him to be sent to me, so that I could get him to his mom.  I didn't have to wait, and hurt, and ache for a child. I didn't have to even "try" to have one, The handful of times that I had sex landed me pregnant at 18.  But, I am thankful that I did get pregnant, because it has taught me much, and let me know some truly one of a kind people.  

On this day 12 years ago, I sat in my parents living room.  Preparing for the placement of my first born.  Something that I really didn't prepare for in any way. Pictures were being taken, diapers changed, gifts being put together, bags being packed.  I held him, took in every single detail, and ever smell.  I talked, whispered, promised, and cried.  The house that I came to hate, was a house that I had come to; to spend the last few hours with my baby.  It was quieter than it had ever been, at least that is how I remember feeling it was.  No one raised their voices, everyone was soft, gentle, and had a prayer in their heart.  My baby sisters and brother came to say goodbye to the baby they had only known for a few short days... a few short hours really.  

I feel as tired today as I did then.  But today I won't lay down with a tiny little boy.  Today I will take care of my own babies, my very own boy, and my very own little girls.  I wonder if I feel tired because of the emotions and experiences this year has held, and especially in the last few weeks.  Or if I am tired because I get to be a mom.

How did this time go so fast?  How did it all change so quickly, and still continues to change?  The unknown is still readily available in front of me.  12 years later and i have come to accept the fact that things are the way they are.  That 12 years later, its ok to keep this sweet memory and sweet moments to myself.  That its ok that I don't share details, or pictures, or experiences with my family.  And its most definitely ok to be angry with them for experiences in the last 12 years.  Part of grieving is doing so in layers, and I now grieve over my family, and what they will miss out on.  
But 12 years later, I get to celebrate, love, and support, and shout that I DO NOT regret that decision to place that boy for adoption.  I absolutely, 100%, with out a doubt know that he was not mine, and that he was always supposed to get to his mom and dad.  I know that whatever the story, whatever the reason, that in the preexistence his parents, myself, and E sat together and discussed the moments that would bring us back together on earth.  I know that we chose this, and I know that i did it to get him to them... for me or them... or him... I don't know... but I know it was RIGHT.

12 years later and he has been raised to be one incredible young man.  He loves his family, loves his mom, serves, and is SO smart.  He is more than I ever hoped he would be.  He is everything he is because of his mom and dad.  He has every opportunity to achieve his dreams.  He has support, love, faith, and people who believe he CAN.  He is super handsome.  He is perfect.  

I hope that the next 12 years he continues to go on the path he has been shown.  That he continues to be the boy he is now.  That he does what he wants, and achieves his dreams.  

Thank you, E, for letting me be your birth mom.  Thank you R & S, for the love and support always.  And for letting me love your son, and your other babies, and your families!  I am so lucky to have been blessed to have my family grow because of you three.  

Happy Birthday on the 28th.  Happy anniversary today.  Keep going.  Keep smiling.  

I will keep loving you forever and ever.