Thursday, January 31, 2013

Being part of such an amazing group over at Open Adoption Open Heart makes for very interesting thoughts, feelings, answers, and questions. Some I haven't been asked before, some I have. Some I walk away from wondering, "Wow, I have never heard it worded like that before.".  There are so many moments from OAOH that I could write on here and share what amazing people are part of the Adoption community.  Educating those out there who want to learn more, or those out there who have heard the 'myths'.  

We talk openly about the pain that Birth Mothers, and Adoptive Couples go through. And, regardless of which end you are on, there is a ache no matter the side.  

A fan had a question on the page, and asked about how to, "Get over", her pain.  I wanted to take the time to ponder and listen to the spirit and give the right answer.  (its an open forum so all fans/admins are able to post answers/ask questions) As I began to answer so many thoughts came to my mind...

There have been many times in the last 9 years, that I have WANTED to feel the pain of placement. Not because I want to hurt, but at moments, I want to remember its real.  You grow and heal over TIME, and in TIME you ALMOST forget the pain.  As I sit in groups, speak on panels, sit in on seminars, and watch my amazing group on OAOH; I sometimes wonder if it really happened.  There will come a point, I hope, that us ans Birth Mothers, will find ourselves wanting to feel that moment.   I think that I have had an incredible opportunity to grow and heal. Do I miss him, ABSOLUTELY, but I miss my BABY. This little boy that I get to see now is just that, a Boy; not a baby. The relationship we have now is SO special and so different. He doesn't get to be a memory of an ache. He is the future of Peace, Love, Happiness, Faith, Truth, and so much more.  That day, over here, feeling that hurt was a shock. Though it took me by surprise and took my breath away, even though it hurt... I felt that IT HAPPENED.  I remembered how much I love that little man of ours.  I am SO blessed to have felt that again. I am so blessed that I was able to grow and heal and that the pain isn't there daily. 

Have moments still come of jealousy? Yes, but I don't know that jealousy is even the right word.  I would go along more with... Envy.  (though they probably have so much of the same meaning).  Its a chance for us to grow as a adoption family.  It is a chance to communicate. And more than anything, its a chance that has allowed me to grow.   I crave for the openness of adoptions today. I crave to have seen them and talked to them while I was pregnant. What a blessing Open Adoptions have in healing so many sides of the Adoption Triad!  The luckiest part, since adoption continues to change, so do past adoptions. Those that were closed, are now becoming open. Those that were semi closed, are now fully open. So those pings of envy can cease and the healthy loving relationship with those families can grow even more. 

I am grateful for those pains, and jealousies.  BUT, I truly can't wait for the day that E decides that he isn't shy and gives me my first hug in a LONG time!  I can't wait for that day. I can't wait to feel his little arms around my neck.  How I love that I am his Birth Mother. How I love that I am their child's Tummy mommy:).  I am so lucky to be able to feel their arms around me. To hear their voices when they call.  I love them. Even the little texts, and so many other little things that I love!  

PS. if you are reading this... Ya, sick sick kids= mail hasn't gone out!  BUT, this years is already in the works:)  February 14 will be a intermingling of Christmas and love day.

make your choice - jena

Whats Mine Is Yours.


There is an incredible song called, "whats mine is yours." Its sung by Katherine Nelson and written by her and Deanna Harper. 
It is so true for adoption, and for the loss of a child. I have seen and been involved on both sides!  

over at A Utah Moms Life, there is a giveaway for her CD! Go on and enter, and see if you can win it. Though, I hope I do instead:)


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

exhaustion

there is so much I want to write about, so much i want to say. but tonight i am just too tired. i am so tired i will not take the time to move my pinkie so i can capitalize anything. you're lucky to get some punctuation right now.  i ache to write, to make a difference. i don't feel that i am able to achieve that right now due to the lack of sleep.

my poor babies are NOT doing well with life. being so tired, sick, stuffy, teething, ear aches, and who knows what else. it breaks my heart not being able to take care of them. and i wonder how many couples out there crave to be where i am right now. exhausted.

tonight, i just want to kneel down and pray that more women will choose life. and that more people will hear and choose adoption. so many beautiful people deserve to be exhausted.

for now, that's all i got.

nothing amazing. extraordinary. life altering. nothin. i am just tired. soon, soon, i hope to be back to a regular schedule.

- Jena