Monday, May 26, 2014

Birth Mothers Day 2014

I celebrated my first ever Birth Mothers Day.  It wasn't anything extravagant, it didn't include family, it wasn't a SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS day.  
But I did learn some things. I did meet some amazing adoptive family. I met some even more amazing Birth Mommas. And I found out that celebrating this day is OK, and even fun:)

LDS Family Services in Southern Utah hosts a Birth Mothers Brunch on Birth Mothers Day. I don't know if that is just something that they do down here only or not(I've been out of the loop for a while).  Either way, an Adoptive Family invites local Birth Mothers to their home, and make breakfast/brunch/lunch.  I am absolutely AWFUL and forgot the families name that hosted this year, but their home was beautiful, their children were beautiful and kind and loving, and the women who attended were AMAZING. I didn't get a chance to talk to all of them, but I did hear a few conversations, and realizing that people and move forward and progress and LIVE 25+ years after placement was awesome.  It was also amazing to see the love and support they had to offer those who were more recent to the Birth Mother life.  And the tender and sincere love they had for all of us.

We ate some AMAZING waffles, and I did indulge... BAD BAD IDEA... but heck they were good.  They had goodie bags with gift cards and everything. It was truly awesome to see the love they had for all of us.  And how much fun it was to be there with these people. 

I later got to spend some time with my little brother!  The one who was the very first ever to say "Hey I get to be with you on Birth Mothers Day.".  Again, there were no fireworks, or big displays of awesomeness, but there were words. Words I had NEVER heard uttered from a family members mouths before!

I even got to hear my little babies tell me happy Birth Mothers Day!  It was so sweet, and so fun, especially when I get to hear my little #1, Lou, tell people how proud she is because her "mom is special because she is a special birth mom.".  Oh it made my heart drop.

As the day wrapped up, I laid in bed with gratitude in my heart.  I was extremely nervous to attend this brunch, because I'm not from here, and they welcomed me openly to the party.  I was nervous that it would be filled with heartache, and sadness. That these women would share all the pain that we have felt.  But it was the complete opposite.  It was filled with laughter.  It was filled with love, and stories being shared of whose adoptive couple was cooler. It was shared about how different EVERY story was. How different adoption was 25+ years ago, to 10 years ago, to now.  How we all are making it and striving to be better. To make the necessary sacrifices to be where we want to be, no matter what that place to be is.  It ended with FRIENDSHIPS, that started because of adoption, but ended with a lot more in common than just that. It was amazing, and I hope that I can spend the day, or at least a few hours, with Birth Mothers on this day for years to follow!!!!!! I am so happy that I went. I am so happy that it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.  I AM HAPPY, that i was able to CELEBRATE Birth Mothers Day. And in doing so, it didn't need to be flashy or crazy or anything other than the company of AMAZING women, and friends!!!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Happiness isn't always Happy

Often I talk here positively. And though I will still do that this post, I'm also going to be extremely honest.  

As i stated in previous "creating your own happiness" posts, I have had body issues for the last 3 1/2 years. In January I was able to participate in a health challenge.  I say health challenge lightly, because it wasn't some crazy diet, exercise, only eat these 3 things challenge.  It included being HEALTHY, as in eating all fruits veggies(5 fruits and veggies a day, combined, not 5 fruits and 5 veggies), dairy, meat, grains, etc, in moderation. It also stated the obvious, don't eat sugar, high fat meats(bacon sausage etc), and no sodas or high sugar drinks.  Now, I think "indulging" every once in a while is fine, but I have learned from participating in that challenge that i CAN NOT INDULGE!!  No joke.  more on that later on.
So, eat healthy, exercise AT LEAST 15 minutes a day(you got points for 15 up to 1 hour). I enjoyed that part. Especially because if i "had" to, my husband didn't complain about my lack of presence in the evening as much ha.  It also got me running again, and I LOVE IT.  I hit ALL SORTS of milestones for myself, and I truly could see the difference in my body! WOOT WOOT.
Intake of water... DUH
SERVICE, serve others, serve your family, serve your friends.  
Personal prayers, and Scripture Study, and SLEEP.  I am sure there was more but I can't remember.

Either way, what I am getting at is when I was doing this I lost just under 15 pounds.  I know that doesn't sound like much for one to lose in a month, but it was for me.  Especially when I would break and have a HUGE ice cream, or other crappy food, at 9 at night.  But, I could see the difference. It also made good HABITS.  And I continued to work out 5-6 days a week, eat better, and continue without soda and sugar.  I felt awesome, and the more time I spent being healthy, the more I could see the difference.  

That being said, one of the big parts of this challenge that changed me was the prayers and scripture study.  Its no big news that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Also known as LDS, or the Mormons - NO i am not a polygamist, and we don't believe in that, even though it was practiced over 100 years ago.  BUT, I do live in close proximity to MANY polygamists(well, they live in the northern most parts of AZ, and often come to my neck of the woods to do their shopping... they look very different, not like the Sister Wives you see on TLC.   
Any who, sorry I am getting way side tracked.

We believe in the Word of Wisdom, you can read more about those Here and Here because I'd make no sense of it all and go off and become side tracked again.  Not only including the physical aspects of the Word of Wisdom, I truly needed that Spiritual wisdom and growth that came because of the studying and prayer.  I had become so laxed in my study and prayer, it was practically non existent. I would do our family study and prayer, but even that was a hit and miss.  I could FEEL the knowledge and faith growing and my testimony growing as well.

You see, life hasn't always been super awesome.  And even though I sit here and act like I AM OK, sometimes, I'm not.  And that's OK to. BUT, its been an extremely difficult two weeks. In the past I would find myself in these situations and I would RUN from everything because I figured that my Father in Heaven hated me, and was punishing me because i FAILED.  I have failed at most everything.  I did quit attending church, and most everything else for over a year not long ago because I felt so broken, and beaten.  This last few weeks, I have tried the hardest i have EVER tried, to stay strong in the eyes of adversity.  Not many weeks ago an amazing lady, Nikki, over at Heart grown Baby Love, talked about giving up. Truly, i can't put into words what she did, but I FELT LIKE HER!  Not because I am waiting for a child, but because I'm waiting for LIFE.  Its been INSANE.  Today was the top of all tops. Being denied something I had NEVER been denied, something that would have not only helped my family, but also the bank (idiots).  It took a lot to finally get things done(vague I know), and in the end here is where I am.  I was blessed with selling my car, and now I'm blessed with something else not nearly as awesome as selling the car.  It ended up being a lose lose.  But, I SOLD THE CAR.  I have to keep saying that, i have to keep focus on that part, because if I keep focusing on the other half... here's what imma do(yup broke out the south on ya)

Imma do what I done did ALL DAY LONG.  Imma eat a sugar cookie from swig(thank you Birth Mothers Day gift cards), a XL Pepsi from Swig, imma eat a burger for lunch, 2 diet cokes, deep dish nasty pizza for dinner, Chips, ANOTHER diet coke(did I mention i REALLY do not like Diet Coke?!  its nasty).  Then imma come home, eat ANOTHER cookie, ANOTHER Pepsi, and then blog here. yup.  Its the truth, you can throw up now, cause imma bout to.  

So what I am saying is this I guess.... 

In moments like the last couple weeks I have had to find strength in others. I have been carried by others happiness(even though they didn't know), and carried by those who told me YOU CAN DO THIS. I have been carried by my Father in Heaven, my brother Jesus Christ, and can feel the spirit of the Holy Ghost.  I was able to receive a blessing from Derek yesterday. I needed it, and I knew what it was going to say, and I didn't know what it was going to say.  He knows I am trying, he knows I am trying harder than I ever have. But, sadly, I don't have the luxury of some people in the world, and my life will continue to see trials set before me.  I hated that part, but I am TRYING to see the positive.  ( that will be a post for a later day).  but i know I can be carried, and lifted, and guided if I keep doing my best.  But I know that in my unhappy moments, that I can look to others

(yes I've posted this before I think)

the current conditions conclude that I should be bitter, and negative, and poopy, and a big boob.  But I have received peace, and strength.  No, I am still not happy, I am still fighting the will to give up, and am still going to cry myself to sleep, BUT  I will wake up, and keep doing my best, because that is what I need to do.  That is what I need to do for myself, for my babies, for my family, friends, and those I hope and pray I am helping.   It is NOT going to be fun or easy. It is probably going to get worse, but my heck IMMA BE STRONG. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Best Mommas Day Ever

Just because I haven't blogged in... oh... forever...  I thought i'd jump on real quick to just say... I had the worlds BEST MOTHERS DAY EVER.  It was... amazing. And I'll tell ya why this evening!!!

LOVE YOU ALL!  Thank you, thank you, for the love and support!!!

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

A Little Dream

I really can't imagine very many "firsts" happening 11 years after placement.  I never thought about them, or thought about there being more.  Granted, there are always the first birthday, walk, lost tooth, mommy, daddy, first day of school, etc etc.  Then there are first for us Birth Mothers, 1 year anniversary, the first holidays after placement. Little things here and there.

Last night, I had a dream.  I have NEVER dreamed about that boy I placed. I have never dreamed about ANYTHING of my adoption.  Not a single night, in the last 11 years, have I dreamt about anything related to adoption. NOTHING, zero, zilch.  Then... I did last night.

I am participating in a class put on by Blessings in a Basket. Journaling the Adoption ABC's.  I did this last year as well.. but I think I focused more on the "oh I want my journal to be cute and creative" rather than the emotions and lessons.  This year, its very much about the lessons, and not about the cutesy tootsie of it all.  A was about Acceptance...  I read over and over the lesson... and I then listed ALL the things that I needed to accept.  I started with the past:  the biggest one being I CAN'T TURN BACK TIME, it is done, and it can not be changed.
Present:  That people who weren't involved in my story still get angry when they shouldn't.
that people I wish would care more, don't.
that i can ask, but it doesn't mean i will receive.
Future:  that it will ALWAYS change.  Good and bad, up and down, right and left. 

I had thought about it a lot... and then I had a dream.  I get to participate in something being done by, I guess maybe the combination of that, and this lesson, triggered something in my brain.
I dreamt of that boy, and his mom, and dad.  It kind of messed me up this morning, not in a bad way, but in a WOW way, because it felt so real.
 So here is what happened:

I don't know what we were all gathering for, but I know I had written a letter asking them if they would join me for whatever it was. I didn't get a response, but the people in charge told me to come anyway.  As I arrived at the location(which looked like an LDS church), I saw their car.  I became very nervous.  As I walked to the room and turned in, I saw little E(well not little he was as big as he is now), and immediately backed out.  Why?  Because I didn't want to be there unless it was OK with his mom and dad.  I looked into the room that I could still see.  Ashely, with BIB was there, my old case worker, a new caseworker, girls from BMB, and a few other people i didn't recognize.  They could tell I was panicked, and I saw E's mom and dad at a table. Their backs were turned so they didn't see me when I walked in that first time.  
They waved to me to come in,  and I froze. I whispered, "are you sure its OK?"  "Are his mom and dad OK with me being here?"  .... "Yes, come in."  I was REALLY nervous, and it really... really felt like I was in that room.  I walked in, E looked up, his mom turned around.. and E RAN for me.  He ran and Hugged me.  Those arms around me and a big, "HI JENA!!!!"  I cried, and cried.  I cried because I was scared.  I didn't want his mom to be mad that he was giving me a hug. I didn't want her to be mad because maybe she thought "you're not his mom".  I was scared that they would be uncomfortable with it.  
I cried, because that little boy, with HIS MOM AND DAD, was right there, hugging me.  It was so different and so good.  I didn't feel like his mom, but I did feel like he had a HUGE chunk of my heart.  I loved him with my ENTIRE heart, and at that moment, a dream came true.  I looked up at his momma, tears streaming down my face, and barely being able to see her expressions... I saw her smile.  
Then I woke up.

I know I have mentioned before how much I miss this family. How much I can't wait for the day that I can hug that little boy and feel his arms around my neck - or waist  - whichever it will be.  That in THEIR time and HIS time I know it can happen.  Even as I sit here I feel those exact emotions as in the dream.  Yup.. picture me crying right now... its happening... It was so real.  I know they love me.  I know he loves me. I know he doesn't know me, but he will someday.  He will know that I am not his mom, but I love him just the same.  He will know he is with his eternal family.  It brings absolute joy and peace to my heart.  No matter if that hug comes in real life or not, that hug, in that dream, was real.  

There are so many unanswered questions in my story.  Who knows if they will be answered, or in what time frame.  I definitely have to trust in my Father in Heaven, and rely on him to keep me anchored.  He has testified, again, that it was right.  He(my Father in Heaven)  made me SEE that gorgeous smile of E's mom and love of his dad.  They are such a blessing in my life - in every capacity. And oh how I miss them, I wish I could talk to them every day... or close to ha ha.

I can't believe that I had a dream, the first dream, 11 years later.  Why now???  Either way, it healed a part of me again... who knew... more healing:)

** the pictures on this entry are not mine... but i can't seem to link them to anywhere... so if ya know.. please share! I like to give credit where credit is due ***