Saturday, May 24, 2014

Happiness isn't always Happy

Often I talk here positively. And though I will still do that this post, I'm also going to be extremely honest.  

As i stated in previous "creating your own happiness" posts, I have had body issues for the last 3 1/2 years. In January I was able to participate in a health challenge.  I say health challenge lightly, because it wasn't some crazy diet, exercise, only eat these 3 things challenge.  It included being HEALTHY, as in eating all fruits veggies(5 fruits and veggies a day, combined, not 5 fruits and 5 veggies), dairy, meat, grains, etc, in moderation. It also stated the obvious, don't eat sugar, high fat meats(bacon sausage etc), and no sodas or high sugar drinks.  Now, I think "indulging" every once in a while is fine, but I have learned from participating in that challenge that i CAN NOT INDULGE!!  No joke.  more on that later on.
So, eat healthy, exercise AT LEAST 15 minutes a day(you got points for 15 up to 1 hour). I enjoyed that part. Especially because if i "had" to, my husband didn't complain about my lack of presence in the evening as much ha.  It also got me running again, and I LOVE IT.  I hit ALL SORTS of milestones for myself, and I truly could see the difference in my body! WOOT WOOT.
Intake of water... DUH
SERVICE, serve others, serve your family, serve your friends.  
Personal prayers, and Scripture Study, and SLEEP.  I am sure there was more but I can't remember.

Either way, what I am getting at is when I was doing this I lost just under 15 pounds.  I know that doesn't sound like much for one to lose in a month, but it was for me.  Especially when I would break and have a HUGE ice cream, or other crappy food, at 9 at night.  But, I could see the difference. It also made good HABITS.  And I continued to work out 5-6 days a week, eat better, and continue without soda and sugar.  I felt awesome, and the more time I spent being healthy, the more I could see the difference.  

That being said, one of the big parts of this challenge that changed me was the prayers and scripture study.  Its no big news that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Also known as LDS, or the Mormons - NO i am not a polygamist, and we don't believe in that, even though it was practiced over 100 years ago.  BUT, I do live in close proximity to MANY polygamists(well, they live in the northern most parts of AZ, and often come to my neck of the woods to do their shopping... they look very different, not like the Sister Wives you see on TLC.   
Any who, sorry I am getting way side tracked.

We believe in the Word of Wisdom, you can read more about those Here and Here because I'd make no sense of it all and go off and become side tracked again.  Not only including the physical aspects of the Word of Wisdom, I truly needed that Spiritual wisdom and growth that came because of the studying and prayer.  I had become so laxed in my study and prayer, it was practically non existent. I would do our family study and prayer, but even that was a hit and miss.  I could FEEL the knowledge and faith growing and my testimony growing as well.

You see, life hasn't always been super awesome.  And even though I sit here and act like I AM OK, sometimes, I'm not.  And that's OK to. BUT, its been an extremely difficult two weeks. In the past I would find myself in these situations and I would RUN from everything because I figured that my Father in Heaven hated me, and was punishing me because i FAILED.  I have failed at most everything.  I did quit attending church, and most everything else for over a year not long ago because I felt so broken, and beaten.  This last few weeks, I have tried the hardest i have EVER tried, to stay strong in the eyes of adversity.  Not many weeks ago an amazing lady, Nikki, over at Heart grown Baby Love, talked about giving up. Truly, i can't put into words what she did, but I FELT LIKE HER!  Not because I am waiting for a child, but because I'm waiting for LIFE.  Its been INSANE.  Today was the top of all tops. Being denied something I had NEVER been denied, something that would have not only helped my family, but also the bank (idiots).  It took a lot to finally get things done(vague I know), and in the end here is where I am.  I was blessed with selling my car, and now I'm blessed with something else not nearly as awesome as selling the car.  It ended up being a lose lose.  But, I SOLD THE CAR.  I have to keep saying that, i have to keep focus on that part, because if I keep focusing on the other half... here's what imma do(yup broke out the south on ya)

Imma do what I done did ALL DAY LONG.  Imma eat a sugar cookie from swig(thank you Birth Mothers Day gift cards), a XL Pepsi from Swig, imma eat a burger for lunch, 2 diet cokes, deep dish nasty pizza for dinner, Chips, ANOTHER diet coke(did I mention i REALLY do not like Diet Coke?!  its nasty).  Then imma come home, eat ANOTHER cookie, ANOTHER Pepsi, and then blog here. yup.  Its the truth, you can throw up now, cause imma bout to.  

So what I am saying is this I guess.... 

In moments like the last couple weeks I have had to find strength in others. I have been carried by others happiness(even though they didn't know), and carried by those who told me YOU CAN DO THIS. I have been carried by my Father in Heaven, my brother Jesus Christ, and can feel the spirit of the Holy Ghost.  I was able to receive a blessing from Derek yesterday. I needed it, and I knew what it was going to say, and I didn't know what it was going to say.  He knows I am trying, he knows I am trying harder than I ever have. But, sadly, I don't have the luxury of some people in the world, and my life will continue to see trials set before me.  I hated that part, but I am TRYING to see the positive.  ( that will be a post for a later day).  but i know I can be carried, and lifted, and guided if I keep doing my best.  But I know that in my unhappy moments, that I can look to others

(yes I've posted this before I think)

the current conditions conclude that I should be bitter, and negative, and poopy, and a big boob.  But I have received peace, and strength.  No, I am still not happy, I am still fighting the will to give up, and am still going to cry myself to sleep, BUT  I will wake up, and keep doing my best, because that is what I need to do.  That is what I need to do for myself, for my babies, for my family, friends, and those I hope and pray I am helping.   It is NOT going to be fun or easy. It is probably going to get worse, but my heck IMMA BE STRONG. 

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