I really can't imagine very many "firsts" happening 11 years after placement. I never thought about them, or thought about there being more. Granted, there are always the first birthday, walk, lost tooth, mommy, daddy, first day of school, etc etc. Then there are first for us Birth Mothers, 1 year anniversary, the first holidays after placement. Little things here and there.
Last night, I had a dream. I have NEVER dreamed about that boy I placed. I have never dreamed about ANYTHING of my adoption. Not a single night, in the last 11 years, have I dreamt about anything related to adoption. NOTHING, zero, zilch. Then... I did last night.
I am participating in a class put on by Blessings in a Basket. Journaling the Adoption ABC's. I did this last year as well.. but I think I focused more on the "oh I want my journal to be cute and creative" rather than the emotions and lessons. This year, its very much about the lessons, and not about the cutesy tootsie of it all. A was about Acceptance... I read over and over the lesson... and I then listed ALL the things that I needed to accept. I started with the past: the biggest one being I CAN'T TURN BACK TIME, it is done, and it can not be changed.
Present: That people who weren't involved in my story still get angry when they shouldn't.
that people I wish would care more, don't.
that i can ask, but it doesn't mean i will receive.
Future: that it will ALWAYS change. Good and bad, up and down, right and left.
I had thought about it a lot... and then I had a dream. I get to participate in something being done by Adoption.com, I guess maybe the combination of that, and this lesson, triggered something in my brain.
I dreamt of that boy, and his mom, and dad. It kind of messed me up this morning, not in a bad way, but in a WOW way, because it felt so real.
So here is what happened:
I don't know what we were all gathering for, but I know I had written a letter asking them if they would join me for whatever it was. I didn't get a response, but the people in charge told me to come anyway. As I arrived at the location(which looked like an LDS church), I saw their car. I became very nervous. As I walked to the room and turned in, I saw little E(well not little he was as big as he is now), and immediately backed out. Why? Because I didn't want to be there unless it was OK with his mom and dad. I looked into the room that I could still see. Ashely, with BIB was there, my old case worker, a new caseworker, girls from BMB, and a few other people i didn't recognize. They could tell I was panicked, and I saw E's mom and dad at a table. Their backs were turned so they didn't see me when I walked in that first time.
They waved to me to come in, and I froze. I whispered, "are you sure its OK?" "Are his mom and dad OK with me being here?" .... "Yes, come in." I was REALLY nervous, and it really... really felt like I was in that room. I walked in, E looked up, his mom turned around.. and E RAN for me. He ran and Hugged me. Those arms around me and a big, "HI JENA!!!!" I cried, and cried. I cried because I was scared. I didn't want his mom to be mad that he was giving me a hug. I didn't want her to be mad because maybe she thought "you're not his mom". I was scared that they would be uncomfortable with it.
I cried, because that little boy, with HIS MOM AND DAD, was right there, hugging me. It was so different and so good. I didn't feel like his mom, but I did feel like he had a HUGE chunk of my heart. I loved him with my ENTIRE heart, and at that moment, a dream came true. I looked up at his momma, tears streaming down my face, and barely being able to see her expressions... I saw her smile.
Then I woke up.
I know I have mentioned before how much I miss this family. How much I can't wait for the day that I can hug that little boy and feel his arms around my neck - or waist - whichever it will be. That in THEIR time and HIS time I know it can happen. Even as I sit here I feel those exact emotions as in the dream. Yup.. picture me crying right now... its happening... It was so real. I know they love me. I know he loves me. I know he doesn't know me, but he will someday. He will know that I am not his mom, but I love him just the same. He will know he is with his eternal family. It brings absolute joy and peace to my heart. No matter if that hug comes in real life or not, that hug, in that dream, was real.
There are so many unanswered questions in my story. Who knows if they will be answered, or in what time frame. I definitely have to trust in my Father in Heaven, and rely on him to keep me anchored. He has testified, again, that it was right. He(my Father in Heaven) made me SEE that gorgeous smile of E's mom and love of his dad. They are such a blessing in my life - in every capacity. And oh how I miss them, I wish I could talk to them every day... or close to ha ha.
I can't believe that I had a dream, the first dream, 11 years later. Why now??? Either way, it healed a part of me again... who knew... more healing:)
** the pictures on this entry are not mine... but i can't seem to link them to anywhere... so if ya know.. please share! I like to give credit where credit is due ***
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