Tuesday, June 12, 2012

now what?

I guess at this point, its where it all gets blurry, and where I'm not sure what to share or how to share it?  

After the week that everyone found out, and I'm sure the whole valley knew by that point, I moved home. I moved out of the Missionary's house(ok that sounded off, not the missionaries house, but his families), and back home. I was there for a week and then moved Utah Valley to live with my sister and her husband and their little boy.  I know it was hard for them to have me there. I tried to be helpful, but I failed mostly(at least that's what my journal says).  I wrote once in April, and again in June.. 

June 9, 2003
"I guess there are a lot of reasons why you write everyday. So you can go back and see all of what led up to something."
" BF and I are taking a "break" it sucks. I went home this last weekend to take the car back. it was BAD. I got to see M & M, and we had a sleepover. I went to see BF and we went to a movie. We talked about stuff and are thinking that we are set on adoption.  When I got home my dad FREAKED. I don't know why. i ended up walking around town from 1-4 in the morning.  Did my family come looking for me? Did bf answer his phone? Of course not. That night answered a lot of questions.  I got back to the house and slept till 8:30, I was FREEZING. . .
BF came to visit, he came to a Dr appointement with me and we heard the heart beat. After, we got in a fight and he left. He is good at leaving."

I moved down to my sisters in an attempt to be able to graduate on time. And, well, my parents thought it was a way to keep the BF and I apart. Which, kind of worked. Either distance makes the heart grow fonder, or makes you realize what a piece of crap someone is.  When I got pregnant, and the BF said he "loved me", I for sure thought we would keep this baby. I thought that we were going to work. You would think that, right? He wanted a break... for a week... and then we were back together. Well, ask back together that you can be 100 miles apart.  I had heard from MANY people that he'd been with a girl, maybe 2. I wasn't surprised, but I still wanted to be with him... WHY?!!!!  Why would I want to be with someone that didn't want me, or our baby? And then, maybe he did want him, and just never said anything because he didn't want me?  I didn't really want him either, but I was pregnant and young, and dumb.  There were lots of drives to and from north and south. There were lots of fights and talks and me being confused. 

I'd gone to LDS Family Services 1 time before moving to my sisters. I met with Sandy, and we talked a little about the situation. About how our families hated each of us, how we weren't sure what we wanted to do, how our relationship was. We talked about some of our options, Getting married, co-parenting but not being married, single parenting, adoption. And, as I said previously, an abortion was not an option.
  In the end I didn't go back; not because I had been offended or felt like I was pressured to do something, I didn't because I moved. And I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what I should do.

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