Tuesday, July 10, 2012


After writing about the experience of finding my  Buddy's family, my heart has been so crazy. Not in a bad way, but in another moment of clarity.  As I look at my little handsome Bubba Gus in his bed, my heart is so full.  After finding out baby #3 was indeed a BOY and not another GIRL, I was a little nauseous. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I would be so lucky as to have another boy.  Don't get me wrong, in any way, that I wouldn't have been happy about another girl. I would have been ecstatic, babies are more than blessings in my life.  But after having placed E, my heart really did ache for a boy. A mamas boy, a little boy that would love me as much as E loves his mama!  

As I sat in my room, the nights following the meeting of S sister, my heart was sooooo at peace.  And the feelings I had towards this baby boy were so special.  I remember praying to our Heavenly Father, thanking him, for helping me find R & S. I remember talking to this little boy in my tummy telling him that I loved him. That I knew that he was supposed to be with his RIGHT mom and dad. That if it were the right thing to keep him I would.  OH HOW I WOULD. I loved him in  a way no one will ever know, except those of us moms that place can know.  
I felt LUCKY, that Heavenly Father entrusted me with this little spirit. To trust an immature little girl, to make the right choice in getting him home.  I felt blessed that my Father in Heaven loved me enough to let me make a wrong choice right.  

One night, soon after, my parents, my 'pretend parents'(leenie and D), and BF and I all came together in Leenies home. I don't remember most of what we talked about, but I remember asking for a blessing after. As we all sat there they asked who I would want to give the blessing, my dad or D, I asked D if he would mind giving me a blessing.  You see, with the BF sitting there, I didn't want him to think that my dad was saying anything just because he was there. I wanted a no biased blessing(does that even make sense?)  
In that blessing, D said that I would find a husband worthy of me, that I would marry and have a family with.  I was a little shocked that he said that. And i felt that it was right. I think the BF and I knew that we wouldn't be together, I meant heck he defiantly showed he didn't want to be together. I was stuck because what can a pregnant girl do?  But I still had feelings for him, and was still in need of him... WHY? I had no idea why, a few short weeks later, I would find out. 

Following the conversation with S, when I told her we chose them, we decided that it would be best to follow LDSFS protocol as far as communication and openness(I wish we hadn't).  At the time, almost 9 years ago, It was protocol to only have contact with a couple through letters. You couldn't know their last name, where they lived(even though I did because we found them through Suz), and after placement you got letters 1 time a week for the first 3 months. Following, the next 3 months, they were ever 2 weeks. After the 6 month mark, you and the couple determined the amount of open-ness you would have.

We found out that week that we would be meeting our babies parents the following Saturday!!!! The anticipation was INSANE, and I was nervous the ENTIRE week.  What should I wear? Will they think our baby will be cute? Will they be as nice as I think they're going to be?  Will it be awkward?

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