Them or Them

BF wasn't sure about R & S. But said he would still consider them after we looked at a few more couples.

I wish I'd kept my wish list. 

We got 5 profiles and took them back to his house to look at. We read through each of them, looked at the pictures and it came down to 2 couples. I don't know why he didn't want the one I wanted most, but I said I could decide between R & S and that couple. They were cute, and young, and fun.  The other couple didn't seem ready to me, or at least, didn't seem as if they were the right ones for our baby.  We argued a little and then I gave in and said we would choose between R & S, and the other couple that I didn't feel right about at all.  

A month passed... and i was getting more than restless. I was babysitting for one of my old Young Women's leaders when I got a call from my mom. She said that Susan told her that R & S had been offered a baby. That there was a girl, with a baby that was a couple months old, that wanted to place. I felt so bad at that moment, not only for me, but for that girl. That she tried to parent and decided to place, months after, how hard would that be for her to do? How hard for her to do that, and I hope she is OK.  Then I thought, "Oh no! They can't take it. They are supposed to be HIS parents, not that babies."

Did I talk to R & S, or Susan? I  don't remember. I know that they were going to go to the temple so that they could have a better place to ponder and decide what they were going to do.

At that time, I knew that they were the right couple, and that I wanted them to adopt my buddy.  I also knew that I told A and them that they were IT. But the BF still wouldn't say yes or no. I was sick, and sacred. I paced back and  forth in their kitchen/dining room, praying and hoping that they wouldn't take this baby, and how awful that made me feel. I was hoping that this other girl wouldn't have them... how awful.  I just wanted them to be his parents. I just wanted BF to make up his mind, or to tell me no or WHATEVER.  I wanted to do what was best for this baby, not for me or anyone else.  

It got to the point, that the decision needed to be made. My due date was October 16, and we were already into August. . .

September 4, 2003

" Today we have an appointment with Sandy.  Last night I made a baby announcement to send to the family that I feel is supposed to have this baby. i also will send a picture of BF and I.  I personally and truly feel R & S are supposed to get this little boy.  And i also know today is the day we need to send the announcement to one of these families. It HAS TO BE TODAY!!!"

I told BF before our meeting that he either decides tonight or I am parenting...

September 6, 2003

"Yesterday was my birthday. Big Yahoo - not really. I chilled most of the day, amazed because I couldn't believe how I could have made it this far.  We went and mailed the baby announcement to R & S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was quite an experience - and i was totally afraid, nervous, hurt, and excited. It was a really big decision and BF was willing to let me go with R & S. We fought and cried for hours... he got me lotion and a DVD & CD... real personal I know."

On September 5 I got to call S and tell her that I wanted her to be this babies mom.  I called from my Leenies house. S didn't answer at first, I think she called back or I called again. She had just sent her class out for Recess(yes she was a teacher, what I hoped I would be).  I told her I wanted her to be this little boys mom, and that I wanted R to be his dad(correct me S).  I cried, and I'm pretty sure she did too:).  I said I'd let her go so she could call R and tell him.  It was awesome. 

You see, R & S and I had talked on the phone a couple times, I wonder if they even talked to me when they had been offered that other baby. So calling them wasn't weird. At the time I placed though, you weren't supposed to have contact with the couple until after 6 months.  Then it was up to you. I'll post about all that later.

Getting off that phone, i felt as if I'd been punched in the heart. I still felt that they were the right couple, that I was supposed to place this baby. But I also knew that I loved this little boy more than life its self.  And it was the first sign that this was going to be REALLY hard.