As I woke up to my alarm this morning, I couldn't do anything but think f how sick I felt. I wasn't sick because of the baby, I was sick because of how nervous I was. I remember hearing girls say, "When you meet them it will be as if you always knew them. You just will know, it will be so easy." Well, waking up feeling like this made me wonder if I shouldn't do this. I don't want to do this anymore. All I want to do is to go and buy my own baby stuff, so I can bring him home with me...
Saturday, September 20, 2003
I-Hop, BF thought it would be fun to go out to breakfast before our meeting. I, on the other hand, couldn't put anything in me for fear of throwing it all up! I was so nervous, I was so scared, and on edge. I didn't pray that morning, maybe because I wanted that feeling there... that scared kind. We walked in, and sat at a booth in the North part of the restaurant, next to the window... gosh that blue is ugly... I sat in the west seat, he sat in the east. He inhaled his food as if it was going to disappear in an instance. Or maybe if just felt that way because I was so nauseated? "You really should eat something, it will help you feel better."
I cried, and couldn't stop crying. Why was I so nervous?
As we got in the car, I looked out the window as we drove to LDSFS and said a prayer to help me. I needed to know, again, that this was the right thing to do. Though my nerves weren't nearly calmed as I wanted them to be... I felt a peace come over me. I was about to meet the parent of this baby. I was helping him get to where he is supposed to be. I was still nervous, but now a little excited. I KNEW they would be amazing. I KNEW I would love them...
Were they there first? Or did we sit down and they came in after? I can't remember. I do remember that seeing S, how BEAUTIFUL, how kind her eyes were. R, so handsome, kind, he looked nervous too, or I hoped he did:). Every ounce of fear left my body, and the hour we were together was TOO SHORT. I wished I could have left with them and spent the day together. I wished I could just bring them home with me for the rest of this pregnancy, they were PERFECT. S, a teacher, brought a list of names with her, I wanted them to name him. Though, there were 4 names that we had initially thought of while we were deciding on what to do. So many options, we talked about our families, about what he would get to do growing up. I never wanted to leave there side!
It was true, the second we met, it was as if I'd known them forever. I guess I had, really, at least before this life... but it felt so right. They were perfect, kind, hard working, their families were great(though I'd never met them), it was ... PERFECT. I don't know of a word that could describe how that moment was. How anxious I was for them to meet this little baby. To meet THEIR baby.
I'd had a Dr app the day before, 142, dilated to a 2. He would probably come early, I was due October 16, my sisters birthday. I couldn't believe we were meeting a family ... his family.. and I was due in just a few short weeks!
That moment is one I wish I could have got on tape, to have been videoed. I wish I could have spent days with them... I wished... for so much.
We matched... it was destiny. Ha, little things I noticed, that she did that reminded me of my mom. Things that he did that reminded me of my dad. Oh they were perfect! My heart was full, and I was go grateful for more confirmations that this was right. For the knowledge that it was the right thing for this little guy to be with them. I didn't know this then, but I know that, because of my choice, Heavenly Father sent E to me, to get to his mom and dad. He knew that I wasn't ready to be a mom. And that BF was NOT supposed to be a part of my life as a father of a child. He knew that I had to learn something from my actions, and so he LET me be the vessel in which I got E to his family. His ETERNAL family.
I can't remember what we did after, I know I went and told my family about them. It was a permanent high for so long. I was so Happy and was looking forward to seeing them again. I started wishing that I wouldn't have said "OK" to following the rules. I wanted to call them every day to tell them about what baby boy was doing! I trusted them with every fiber of my body. What a blessing.