Honesty

September 6, 2003

"Tonight BF was with a friend. It always leads to alcohol. We passed his house, I was hanging out with KC and Jody.(yup I had friends who actually hung out with me while I was pregnant) There was another car there. I walked over to say hi, and what was the first thing I see? B was passed out on the floor, and BF and another girl were drinking and making out on the couch.  BF was still as he saw me standing in the door way.  He looked like crap and smelled like alcohol. I walked outside and he followed. He even tried to kiss me as I left! WOW.  I pray this baby doesn't become anything like him.  I guess everything I have heard over the last 8 months had to be true. Because I caught him..."

"He pushed me the other day... down the stairs...physically starting to get more than a little scary."

September 8, 2003

" Tonight we talked, he liked not feeling tied down. What is he doing now that he wasn't doing when we had a title?  So many things run through my head, I don't know what to think. He was trying to justify the other girl by blaming it on my family!  Tell me, Kissing another girl while you have one pregnant with a ring on her finger, who isn't allowed to talk to ANYONE, how are you justified?  He got mad at me for spending time with my family, and that he wasn't welcome there.  So, because you aren't welcome I shouldn't see my family?

I feel as if he is trying to make me out to be the bad guy. That I should be apologizing to him.  He told me today that if he doesn't start getting what he needs then we will be over... WHAT?  if anything I should be the one saying its over. He's been with so many other girls through this whole thing... and WHY AM I STILL HERE?   He cheated, lots, just like his ex said he would."

"He doesn't have a choice when he says he doesn't want to be tied down, I'M PREGNANT, with his baby.  He said he wished he was smothered in a sense by me, because he doesn't feel like i love him. So what is it? Are you tied down? Am i not doing enough? or do you just want an excuse? 

 I love this baby, but my heart is getting the best of me when it comes to the BF. I don't want this baby to hate me or the BF. Will he ever change?"

There were so many times that I should have ran. So many opportunities to be justified in walking away and not having anything to do with him or letting him have anything to do with this baby, or the adoption, or anything.   I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do to let him be here. To keep letting him back in after each fight, each time I heard of him with another girl, after he started to physically hurt me. There was the attachment that was there, that shouldn't be.  I could have walked away had I not been pregnant. But I couldn't let it go!

There was never honesty in our relationship. And we both knew that we didn't want to be together, but at the same time, Personally, I knew I couldn't walk away from some dumb reason.  Even after it started getting physical I couldn't bring myself to have the strength to walk away.  Abuse does that to a person, whether it be physically, mental/emotional, or whatever else. It didn't help that we had been intimate, and now were pregnant, that just added to the attachment. Even if I didn't want to be with I'm, I felt stuck to him.  I thought I loved him... but the more time passed the more I knew he was NOT who I wanted to be with. And he wasn't who I wanted this baby to be around.