9-29-03

The day after we had little buddy, my heart was breaking. I kept asking myself if I could really do what I was going to do.  I don't think we told anyone but our families that we had had little man, except of course the leenie fam, but they ARE family.  I cried ALL DAY. I cried cause of something you would do, or someone coming in to see you, even if it was good intentions, I wanted to scream. Though, now, I know they were there to be a strength.  Heather, an adoptive mom and neighbor of mine, came to see me. She was a BIG help, because I knew how much she loved her kids, and I knew how much they loved her. She brought me a letter(at the hospital or after I'm not sure), that the BM of one of her boys wrote. It was AMAZING. That girl could put in to words exactly what I was feeling! And, it was hopeful knowing that someone knew how I felt at that moment.
My mom had come to visit that day as well, and brought a special package with her.
Remember those BEARS I had found?  Well, I opened the bag, and there they were. Both of them, together. We cried, together, lots, and I got lots of hugs from my mom. they were perfect, and it was helpful to have something to hold on to, to send with him and keep with me. It was the start of a cry fest.

" We had so many visitors that day. My parents came and brought Ky & Jess.  MA came that night along with your BF's sisters and bro-in-laws.  It was so hard for them to say goodbye. We all just cried.  Those sisters of his were the most kind women EVER.  Rock, Penny, my bishop, and Heather(an adoptive mom and my neighbor) came too. Too many visitors today.  Leenie, Mal, and Megan came too. I could have them there the whole time and be happy."

 big brat K! She still hadn't talked to me in 9 months... I was upset, to say the least, 

when she came to see him. She took my time away and didn't even talk to me.

 little J oh he was little too:)

 my nae, I know it is a bad picture, but its the only one I have, and its the only one that turned out that way!

 My Big sis, and Big bro, and my little buddy max.

I lived with them, they were always 100% supportive. BUT, they were also always 100% 

open and honest about how they felt. They kinda mean a lot to me, especially my little max!!!

 auntie Tass, big brat she was, but at least she smiled!

"You always had to have a hold of something.  I love it.  And you LOVED cuddling.  We couldn't put you down, and between all the visitors and us having to stay awake to take everything in, we got to take a nap; you and I.  I layed down at the bottom of the bed, with you next to me on a pillow, our heads fit perfectly together.  I loved holding you."

That day my caseworker called and let me know that we would be signing on Wednesday.  And warned me that there were going to be quite a few people there. There had to be since we needed witnesses and all.  I said ok.. probably not much more, and hung up.  I cried after that call, and could not relax. I felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day.  That night you did NOT want to be in your bed. You kept wanting to be held. So I stayed up holding, feeding, burping, and loving you.  I couldn't believe your tiny body had been in mine so few hours before.  Oh how much more I loved you.  I cried while I held you, because I didn't want to ever let you go!!"

after eating, he rolled into a little ball and completely ZONKED! completely!

no worries, we used probably 6 rolls of film in the hospital... man, if only I'd had a digital camera then!

 This is MY Leenie. She loved me so much she brought that B-Day dinner I missed here, to me, at the hospital. WAY better than that hospital food!!!  I am so glad she allowed me to be her live-in-daughter for a few months!  She saved my sanity, seriously. She is the most kind person. And she has such an amazing family.  She will always, ALWAYS, be in my life!

 This was my little brother for a while, he is juddie:), and he was so TINY.

(Judd seriously, you were so small, now you are so big and handsome and awesome!)

Remember that Missionary I "sent out", this is his mom and sister.  Let me tell you this, THAT is forgiveness. THAT, is one amazing lady and family.  It absolutely broke my heart that they were there, holding my baby... that wasn't part of their family. That I had hurt them along the way. Oh choices.  I loved them, still do, always will.