Friday, February 21, 2014

The Body of a Birth Mother

Ah the post baby, post placement, post par tum depression, the post body.

The body of the Birth Mother.

"Your body isn't ruined. You're a tiger who earned those stripes."

Really, whoever came up with that analogy should be smacked in the face.  It must not be a woman.. it must not be me. I have never liked that quote, i have never liked my stretch marks. Maybe I would have felt differently? If I hadn't placed a child and my marks would have meant different?  The reminded me that no one was going to want someone with a battered body. No, they weren't bad(after my first baby), but they were enough for me. I hated the thought of having to have someone ever see those. And then what would they remind them of?  That i was 'used goods'. 

"No one is ever going to want to be with me ... and now no one will ever want me because I'm "used"."

I can't count how many times I heard this come out of my mouth. "I'm used."  It was said so eloquently in moments where I was ready to walk away.  "no one is going to want someone who had a kid..."  LUST people LUST will get you every time. Love pulls you through the mud and picks you up and cleans you off.  Lust kills ya! I didn't need to hear it from anyone else... it was enough to hear it from myself.

I thought that because I didn't actually HAVE a baby, that it wouldn't matter. That I would still be OK.  That I would still be able to date and grow, and learn, and avoid that ugly side. It didn't take long(a year really) to learn that dating, even if I wasn't a "mom", was hard. Was it just as hard as if I had kept him?  I don't know, I have never had a child and had to attempt dating. I don't think either are easy.  Those moments that you get introduced to someone, or a group of someones, and you get that "oh she had a baby" look.  Many nights going out wondering how I could keep going out with these girls when I was the "black sheep".  I was the used goods... i was ... ugly.  Who was going to want someone with stretch marks?

Plenty of dates were gone one. Plenty ended in not another date. It really was shocking though, some of those dates.  How they would treat me ... things they would say.  Now, I can look back and blame it on immaturity and being uneducated in the adoption department.  But the thing is, you walk around, and the majority of women who have placed  a child will feel exactly as I did.  It isn't that people aren't educated. Really, its that not much has changed in that area. Boys are still there, immature, and not ready to be with someone who has done what we have. We will go out, have a good time, tell them we had a baby (if they didn't already know), and that will be the end.

Its rough dating after placement. Its tough to look in the mirror and be "proud of those stripes". Ugh, I hate that term.  I wasn't proud, I was broken. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror and be OK with what I saw. I looked awful... I felt awful... it was awful.

I didn't think my hubby would date me. I didn't think he would continue to date me. I thought we were buddies(we were, he was my best friend), we had amazing talks, fun cuddling. He made me feel awesome about being a Birth Mom.  And, ladies, there are guys out there who will do this, and mean it. There will be someone out there to love you, and raise you up, and make you feel like the queen you are for what you did.  He gave me a Mothers Day card. I wasn't a mom. I didn't have a baby sitting with me. But I was a Birth Mom. He knew that baby was important to me. He knew that 9 months was what made me who I was.
The moment he said he loved me... it was FOREVER. It was right and I knew it.
My body... wasn't a reason to squirm or run. He made me feel beautiful, strong, and proud. I hadn't felt proud. And it was a wonderful feeling!

We take such care of our stories, of those angel babies. We should take that much care of our bodies.  Take what we look like after, and help it to mold you into the person you want to be. Let it be a reminder of the sacrifice and love we have for those little's. It probably wont change how it makes us feel, really, but it can help in baby steps. As we go through our grief, as we grow through pain, write down something you love about your body each day. Go on a walk and get physical. Your body, mind, and spirit just went through something incredible. And we can take charge and love ourselves just the same.
I pray, a lot, to be able to continue on in my physical journey. I thank my Father in Heaven for the body I have, and what it has accomplished. I also thank him for allowing me to accomplish more, and for helping me to BE thankful. Its not easy, its not perfect, it just is.

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We are all beautiful, because though we are slammed with outward appearance being whats important, its not. Have a honest, good, real, joyful character. Be brave and real. Share your story of survival. you deserve to know you are the best!

- Jena

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