Today, I am going to do something different (fun, I know right!). I often get asked about how my husband feels about adoption, about my adoption. How does he feel about the baby boy I placed, or the family he is with... so on and so on. I have decided to let him tell you what he thinks. NOW, I have NO INPUT to what he is saying other than ideas to write about, to help others even. I don't want any praise, but I can say this, he has such respect and love for Birth Parents and Adoptive couples, and that was before he met me:).
I hope you enjoy these posts. They will become another part of this adoption story. And well, this is his Adoption Destination.
Well, first off, I have never written a blog before and never posted more than a paragraph on any social network. I am not an English major, but I will do my best to make this legible, understandable and hopefully beneficial to someone.
I will introduce myself to begin. My name is Derek. I am married to a birth mom. I am approximately 30 years old, give or take. I was born and raised in Southern Utah. I am lucky to have been raised the way I was. I was all about athletics and played outdoors all my life. I love movies and often quote movie lines too much. I have a little bit of a sarcastic sense of humor and am never too serious.
I have been a little scatterbrained while contemplating my words to be written here because there is so much to talk about. I have never been asked to do anything like this before. I came up with the idea that there is no better place to sit and talk than around the camp fire. It is amazing the conversation and inspiration that comes with the peace of that moment surrounding a camp fire. So that is where my invitation will begin. Have a seat and "chill till the next episode".
I hope you have a minute to read some of my thoughts and experiences from a not so talked about perspective. First off, I feel it's a good thing that not much has been said from such perspective of a husband to a birth mother. It may allow me to shed some light for some people. I will share some experiences in different phases or aspects of my relationship with my wife. Also, I am not a psychology major either, so what I am sharing is mostly from personal experience. I am not an expert. Some of the phases that my wife suggested to me are as follows:
"Dating a birth mom"
"Marrying a birth mom"
"How to support a birth mom in hard times"
"How to actively share in the joys of a birth mom".
These are just a few of the ideas that may come to pass. If there is anyone who has feedback on some more specific things you would like me to discuss, then let me know.
When I met Jena... (heart flutter) I was just home from attending Utah State. Go Aggies!! Some good friends of mine and I decided that we would go to a friends cabin on Kolob and sit around a camp fire. There were about 5 guys and 4 girls and yes, I was the odd one out. But it didn't stop me from embarrassing myself in front of my future wife. She was on a date with one of my friends. blah blah. Short version, there finally came the opportunity for me to "date" or hang out with Jena. (A little side note, I had inside information about Jena before I asked her out because she is first cousins with another one of my good friends... His words "she had a kid". So I already knew before I asked her out. I'm sure that's not the case with everyone of course. But that knowledge had the opposite affect as you might think.)
Personal side story: I was at a point in my life where I was over the silly games. I like people who are upfront and honest. So, this is where timing comes into play. I had actually had the opportunity to meet Jena 5 months prior to this moment and for some reason it was not the right time. I believe I had been prepared because I would most likely not been able to begin the relationship in a healthy way to make it last for the both of us.
And we're back. My exact thought to Jena placing a baby in the past was this. 'She has been through a unique experience that has made her more mature and deeper as a person, this is a girl who will not play games and will be honest and real from day 1'! I was very much looking forward to learning and getting to know someone on a deeper level. Jena and I had worked it out for me to just go hang out at her house one night. No big deal ya know, just chillin'. And me being who I am, within the first 5 minutes of being there I say out loud "you had a kid right". Jena says "yep". which seemed to have a little melancholy tone to it. "Tell me about it". So, Jena and I spent our first night hanging out talking about her birth mom experience and looking at photo albums. Definitely the best first date ever!!
So we've talked about the adoption experience on our first date... now what? For starters, things like this aren't just talked about once then it's off to new topics like the weather and life goes on. There was and is more learning and growing to be done. Jena's placement was 3 years prior to us meeting which was 8 years ago!! Crap I'm old... anyway, I would soon learn how extremely sensitive feelings are that surround the adoption experience. So gents, if you are not equipped with extra soft hearts, patience of Job, and selflessness then you better work hard and fast! When I first went into this relationship I was like "this is a cool, honest chick". We got along really well and were inseparable... then you begin to get glimpses of something you've never seen before. It's hard to describe but it's as if there's a glow or a manifestation of the PURITY of what a birth mother has done. It's an insult to say "making the best of a bad situation". It's "making spiritual and eternal of a human situation". If you are spiritual or religious at all then this manifestation will be recognized as the Holy Spirit. And those 'glimpses' were angelic as if God is telling the world that this is one of his most faithful spirits. And voices a warning to those around to handle with care.
I didn't fully understand what I was seeing and it took me a long time to fully realize what I was looking at. At the time I knew it was just something special.
to be continued...