Creating My Own Happiness

I hadn't learned, until I finally got the guts to move from my home town, to create my own happiness. I didn't know how to be happy unless someone else "liked me", or had an interest in me; how else did I have any worth? I had made one of the biggest mistakes, and became 'used'.  I had let myself be abused, emotionally and physically. I had allowed myself to join in and scream and yell hurtful things back. That's what you do in abuse isn't it... you take it and take it and take it, and then you fight it.  TOXICITY was my ultimate downfall. And after that relationship, I couldn't hold my own. I truly felt that I had to fit them so completely, otherwise, I would end up being left.

I relied on others to make me happy. I relied on others to make me believe I had any self worth. I couldn't carry myself, or see what I was. I changed, because I thought that would make me the 'happy' I thought I needed.  I thought I knew who I was before I'd gotten pregnant, but I didn't.  But now, after becoming pregnant, after placing my first baby, after being in that relationship, I did not know who I was. I had no clue who I was. I had no worth, because I'd given what I held sacred away.  It took big steps and little steps to regain my self worth. 

Slowly, each relationship changed me and showed me something about myself. Showed me something in myself. And slowly, VERY SLOWLY, I found myself.  It didn't take away from the time it took, or the continuation of the refiners fire.  But I was learning. I had to find that, in time, it was me. I created my own happiness. Molding to others wouldn't create happiness.  Trying to fit in with the girls from high school, each boy I dated, or other friends I came in contact with over those next 3 years.  They couldn't do anything for me. I had to look at myself, alone.

Not only that, but R, S, & E couldn't create my happiness. They added to it, tremendously, but they couldn't fix my broken heart, or my aching soul.  They coudlnt' do anything, because they were already doing everything.  They had saved me and that little boy.  They created my happiness that I could grow from.  

It was only my doing that could carry me through the future. It was my goals reached, my trials triumphed, and ties broken that could make me happy.  It wasn't quick, or imminent, there was no light bulb, or flash of lighting. It was slow growing, and very much involved learning.  There were moments of forgiveness that I didn't know still needed forgiving. The moments carried off my shoulders, that was a heaviness lifted that added to my own Happiness. Ultimately it was the Atonement, through Jesus Christ, that started the change in my heart, mind, and soul.  Without that, i was just there, staring hell is the face. At least, that is what it felt like. It felt as if I was standing on that bridge, looking at the flowing waters down to hell(what I'm picturing is more like the Disney movie Hercules, when he rescues Meg. Even if that's not really what I picture as Hell).  Either way... I was right there, ready to fall and forever be bound in hell.  Ugh, it was truly utter despair.  Slowly, and surely, I then heard the voice of my Brother, Jesus Christ, reminding that if I just knock... he will be there.  And he was.

It took so much work. So much faith. So much pain. But in the end I started to realize that I was worth it.  And that If they didn't like me for who I was, that they weren't the right one for me. I knew that I could stand on my own two feet and fight the world for EVERYTHING I wanted and dreamed.  And it was all taken care of. All of it.  I had to do my part, I had to do more than just confess and as for forgiveness. I had to do SO MUCH MORE. But I figured out what I wanted.  

It didn't mean I was perfect, I was FAR FROM.  I still am FAR FROM.  But what I do know how, is that I am STRIVING for perfection. I am doing my best. I am DOING. MY. BEST.  And that is all I can do.  That is all I could do.  I neededt ot build my relationship with the Lord, and in turn relize my worth, and be able to like myself, and then I would allow others to be in my life in the way I deserved.  And I needed to treat them with the same love and respect that I had for myself.  They are just humans to:).

10 Years later, I still have to create my own happiness. I can't rely on my Husband, kids, family, friends. It all has to come from me.  I struggled greatly for a few years... again.. and only just recently have I re-fired the worth.  It took a lot more than just looking in the mirror and saying "You are worth it".  It took a HUGE lifestyle change.  And it will continue to be a change that 'll have to work at.  It will be worth it though.  Because I am loving ME!!!  I am doing what I need to, so that I can create my own happiness! I was able, through the atonement, to start over.  I can start over often, daily really, and ask for help, and strength, and it happens!!!

here are some of my favorite "vidoes" about the atonement
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