Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Changing Myself

As I stated in Body of a Birth Mother part 2. I didn't know who I was. 
Molding to those I was dating was easy.  Molding to my friends, or attempting to, was easy.
When you hang out with girls, we all know, its a bit ridiculous.  A vast majority are often backstabbing, dishonest, or int other words, fake.  We tend to take talking about one another as a way to fit in.  And truly, it fits into more of the stereotypical women of the world.  

As I tried my best to hang out with these girls. I'd end up inviting myself over more than not. I would spend the night, but end up wondering why I was even there. They didn't pretend to act like I fit in.  They didn't pretend that I wasn't "different", and it made being friends hard.  I'm sure they didn't want me there. But where else was I to go?  My other friends were all married... which meant 2 of them were. They hung out with the popular people... and I always was the tag along.  I tried my best to seem normal and as cool as these girls. But it never turned out how I'd imagined.  I wasn't cool. I was the "slut". They all had money, or were popular. I was just there... trying so hard to be something. 

When i moved, it wasn't a big deal. I heard about the things they would say. And it truly hurt. I knew they'd probably felt that way, but I wanted to believe that they were better than that.  I would try to visit when I went back home, it ended up being a crash and burn.  I would hear of them coming to "my neck of the woods", and never hearing from them.  It took a long time to accept that these people weren't my friends. You lose those you thought were, when you are doing your worst.  I deserved better.

You come to find that after placement, those physical changes affect more than your body.  Remember, I LOOKED like I did in before I had a baby... but I wasn't the same inside.  My body ached to have someone there for me. To be kind to me. To welcome me to their world of friendship.  you often lose a lot more than just your 'purity'.  I lost my friends. I lost respect, for myself, and the respect from others. I felt like a phony  I didn't have acceptance from them, so I turned to the boys.  They would "accept" me.  

I didn't know who I was.  Also, I didn't know WHOSE I was.  As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that we are all Sons and Daughters of our Father in heaven.  There for, 
And, we are all children of God.  I didn't know that, and instead of trying to better myself for him, and for the person I had 'planned' on being, I was trying to be a certain kind of better for all those I came in contact with.

Though I molded to all those others, I learned something about me in the process.  I did learn who i was. I did realize WHOSE I was. I am a Daughter of God. A Princess, because my Father in Heaven is King.   I learned that I LOVE music, in all forms.  I learned that I am strong, faithful, and have been held in the arms of my Savior so many times.

Because I finally started to figure out who I was, I was able to continue on that journey when I moved to Southern Utah. i still had a long ways to go. I was still imperfect, and still am.  But I was able to be the best I could be.  And, to be honest, I didn't want to date my now husband:).  He was such a dork, he was not where I wanted to be spiritually, and he was in need of "fixing".  But I truly ended up falling for him.  I didn't have to pretend to like certain music. I didn't have to dress a certain way, or act a certain way.  I was able to be ME. I could tell him when I thought he was being a dink. When I needed him to be more. When I needed to be alone. And what I would and would not put up with.  

I was terrified about what he would think of my physical body... because I had gained weight... but, he seemed to be kind, and loving, and appreciative of me and my "confidence".  I would learn that it was more about my strength. And I would soon learn that things still don't go as planned, even if we are trying to do better than we ever tried.  But this guy, would change me, and me, him.

May 2006 - our first "pictures" 

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