Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Body of a Birth Mother pt. 2

(sorry sister... this is the only one:))

Here I am, at 18, exactly one year(EXACTLY) before I had my sweet baby E. 
Things happen fast, I would have NEVER thought that ONE year later, I would be having a baby. I don't believe that anyone in high school believes they will become pregnant while still in high school.   I sure didn't.
I went from feeling OK with the way I looked, not always confidant, but OK. I was feeling excitement for the fun year I was about to have. The parties, sleep overs with the girls, dates, games, HIGH SCHOOL. I was ready for the year, it was going to be my best yet.  I had friends, I had family, and life was so good.  I was dancing, I loved dancing, the joy it brought to me. Performing was the best feeling ever. It was something id wanted to do FOREVER, and this was the 2nd year I got to be part of a company and perform at sports events, competitions, reviews. I had plans to continue dancing, learning, and performing. 
I had plans to attend college. I wanted to be an English teacher, I wanted to move to go to school.  I wanted to move out of state. I wanted to go nanny. I was planning on kicking butt at life.
I had an idea of who I wanted to be. But it was so far away. I didn't worry about what was necessary to achieve those goals. I didn't focus on what I needed to do right then to attain those goal I'd set. I was having so much fun, and doing so many things that I did not focus on who I was inside, and who i needed to be right then; and what I need to do. And because I didn't have that focus, I became caught up in the fun, the fitting in, and the life of a carefree teenager. I let my personal standards drop, and ultimately chose the path that I ended up on.  And by not proactively choosing a definite path, I found myself on a different path.

I didn't have plans, to not accomplish the goals I'd set for myself and my future.

 Now... here I was... 19, and exactly one year after that dance.
On my way out to deliver baby boy E.

1 year after placing, I was at my pre-pregnancy weight. Physically, covered up, I looked the same. I looked like I did in High school.  I fit into all the same clothes, could wear all the styles I liked, it was ideal.  Underneath those clothes, were the stretch marks, underneath was where i lots my confidence. Who was going to want someone with those marks?
 I would later learn that it wasn't just the physical appearance, it was the knowledge of WHO I was. I was not only physically damaged, I was spiritually, mentally, and emotionally damaged.  I didn't think that I needed to address those issues. I assumed that "time would heal all wounds". In reality though, time doesn't heal all wounds. Wounds can be healed, a large majority of the time, with time. But, wounds also, an even larger amount of time, need to be addressed. You need to talk about them, find the root of them, and work through all the things that brought about those damages and wounds.
  (yes, great crop job i know)

I had NO plans of having sex. Not of having sex in High School, college, or life, until i was MARRIED. 
Having that one plan, that one standard, that one thing, changed everything. Dating after placing baby E. Dating after finally walking away, fully, from the BF, was changed. I didn't like my body, my spirit, my mental and emotional capacity. In turn, dating became, molding.

The first date I went on after placing, was with one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. The problem there... I didn't feel like i could be 'alone' yet. I was still trying to see if I wanted to be with the BF. He was still calling, asking to go out, etc. I WANTED to date this other person... but didn't have confidence that he would like me for me. I didn't know who I was yet... and still felt like I belonged with the BF to one degree or the other.  That relationship with the first date, was more off than on. He was patient, and kind, and wanted to be with me... I wanted to be with him... but it just wasn't going to work.
 I didn't "mold" to him, because I was still "molded" to the BF.  Which means, I was still a "thug". I was into rap, hip-hop, and being tough in the black, rice rocket, Altima.  Truly, it makes me laugh now, but it was a joke back then.

I only had a few more boyfriends after that. I became a skater, and liked U2(which i hadn't ever previously). I wanted to learn to skateboard, wear DC's and Vans, and be what he wanted.  I felt that if I didn't like what they liked, it wouldn't work.  If I didn't look like they wanted me to look, they wouldn't want me. I was wrong. Even in molding to #2, we didn't work out.  I learned a little more about who I was and who I wanted to be. I gained a little more confidence, but ultimately, I was still lost.

I then became an 80's rock/ballad, Harley loving, biker chick.
I learned... i really do love the 80's, and my dad taught me to love bikes. But, I wasn't as "hard core" as I thought I was. I wasn't as "hard core" as I needed to be for him. I wanted different things, in every way. He was cute, but i loved his family WAY more than i even liked him.

So in 3 years, I'd been a thug, skater, and biker... I continued to mold to each person i dated; a 'techno' dance party, dork... back to a preppy wannabe fit in... I continued to question who I was, because I was trying so hard to fit in with the people I was hanging out with, and dating. It wasn't working. I looked physically different when i went to the pool with friends, and as much as I tried to fit in with those girls... it never worked. I tried to be "cool" enough, in style enough, and independent enough to try to get someone to like me.  I wanted someone at the level I wanted to be at, to like me.  You can't have that, when you don't know where you are, who you are, and what you are. I was trying to do everything for everyone else.

3 years... and I had slowly started to stress, and become depressed. I started to gain weight, and hang out less and less with people that I was continually trying to impress. Eventually, going to the gym to try to "fix" my physical appearance didn't make a difference.  3 months of gym time, 6 days a week, and I didn't loose any weight... or inches... i maintained.  Why wasn't my body working like it did after placing?  How was I getting bigger?  NO ONE would want me FOR SURE now.

Slowly, I quit worrying about fitting in with these people. I quit trying to maintain the friendships I'd had in high school.  I decided it was time to change for ME.  The first step, find a job out of where I had been living for the last 10 years of my life. I left the valley and headed to Southern Utah. I couldn't nanny, because I couldn't hide having a child, on top of not wanting to hide it.  I looked for a job and had 2 before I left that weekend.  I put my notice in to my current job when I got home. 2 weeks later, I packed up and headed south. A car full of my belongings. I cried saying goodbye to my mom and dad.

I got down here... I learned that... no one knew me. No one could judge me for what I used to be.  They didn't know what I used to look like. They didn't know ANYTHING.  It was invigorating to be FREE.  I started to be the ME i wanted to be.  I didn't change for anyone, and didn't hide who i was.  I moved on a Sunday... and then... met the soon to be hubby that Friday.  I wanted to play, and have fun, and save money, and be independent.  FULLY.  The first time I hung out with the future Mr. I was ME.  I was all the way, 10005% ME, no hiding anything, no pretending, no molding.  I had to lay it out, because I didn't want the same thing to happen here, as it had at home.

I didn't change physically, i maintained that "weight", so I still was bigger than I had been. But I was ME. I started to feel confidant, and brave, and everything id wanted to be.  I had taken steps to meet with my bishop so my life could go where I wanted to be spiritually.  I started noticing my relationship with my Father in Heaven growing, and my testimony that had faltered, strengthening.

I took that boy home to visit the fam. I make it clear we were just FRIENDS(ha ya right).  When we did become official, this is what I remember...  my mom and dad sat me down when I'd come home one weekend, I thought I'd done something wrong again. Instead, they came to me and let me know how proud of me they were. That they were so happy to see that even though I was with this boy, that I was ME. That I had an opinion, and that I would stick to my guns. I would stick up for me, if I was being teased. I would voice my love of Country, 80's, hip-hop(not rap), and oldies.  And if he, or anyone else didn't like it, WHO CARED.  That day, I became CONFIDANT, in me. Because I chose ME. I chose the life I wanted, and I could continue to do so, and know that it was the right thing for me, and it would work out.

I knew I would still have trials, testing my faith, my confidence. I didn't know that I would ever fall again, but I knew I could get up and get going again.  I changed... and its changed me.

1 comment:

  1. Holy cow! I did the same thing when dating in college! It's nice to know I wasn't the only one who tried to be what everyone else wanted and placed way too much emphasis on how I looked. I too eventually figured out who I was/am (and continue to do so) but it sounds like it took me a lot longer than you! Also, I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciated your friendship in HS. I know I was super shy and insecure but you (and others) were always so friendly to me. I have huge regrets that I didn't do a better job of adjusting to the move. Anyway...that's all. Thanks for sharing!