G is for Guilt

“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Oh my Ashley, seriously people you should follow her and listen to her, and read about her just because of her strength, and raw honesty.  She is a HUGE inspiration to my and to so many other Birth Mothers. She is amazing and I am so grateful that she shared her story with me!

Guilt... I feel guilty, still, for hurting my parents. I feel guilty for hurting my missionary, his family, our friends, my friends. I feel guilty for getting involved and letting myself do things I'd never done, and promised never to do.  I can't wake up tomorrow and start over. Even though I want to all to often.  This is where I am.  

I feel guilty for almost NEVER being on time with gifts for E and his family!  I am the. worst. ever. 

 I feel bad for disappointing so many. Even people I didn't know that wouldn't let their kids hang out with me because of what I'd done. That's the worst feeling ever... having the parents talk about you. I want to scream out every time, " I WAS NOT A SLUT. I DIDN'T SLEEP AROUND. I SLEPT WITH ONE PERSON".  Its always a part of my story... "I wasn't a "promiscuous" girl. I didn't have sex with anyone and everyone. I had sex with ONE person. " so on and so on.  ugh, its the worst.  Will I ever not feel guilty? 

Its like I'm trapped. daily.  Stuck in a rut. Does it get better? Can it get better?