B Is For Boundaries

"Know the boundaries beyond which you will not allow trampling or trespassing." Elizabeth S.

Not only did I imagine Boundaries applying to the relationship between Birth Parents and Adoptive parents, which are important, but what about the boundaries I set for me?

Do I allow others to trample on my story. Do I continue to try to let others in, giving chance after chance hoping they'll come around and LOVE him/me/them.  Do I take sever care of my story, and those involved?

I am an open book, in most cases. I have had to learn to be careful of what I share. But when it comes to adoption, its hard to keep my mouth shut. Its hard not to tell of a story that not only broke my heart, but built it.  Its hard not to share something that made me Strong, Wise, Hopeful.  How can you not share something that taught you the most?  To share those you love, because HELLO, those parents of his are utterly my most, absolute, favorite people on this planet. Truly.  

But, what I need to look at more closely, are those around me. It made my heart ache, ya know, as if you got a cut on your finger and it just aches with pain no matter the pressure/bandaging.  It hurts, still, that there are some that are proud of the way they treated me. That there are those who still feel as if he and his family are something that are just easily shrugged off and forgotten, because he was placed.  Does that make him any less of what was mine, because I placed?  I didn't place because I didn't want him. Didn't love him. Didn't care for him. I placed him because he deserved the very best chance. He deserved everything I ever wanted for him.  I couldn't give that to him. BUT, he is still mine. He is mine in a way he isn't theirs. But he is also THEIRS in a way he isn't mine.  I AM OK WITH THAT. What matters in those few sentences most though... is that THEY ARE ALL MINE. I love each and every member of that family to the depths of my soul.  I love each birth parent that allowed them to become a family.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  And me hurting, because of a lack of support or knowledge, or forgetfulness, is something that I need to be protected from.  

"Too often we do not set boundaries for ourselves and for others. We worry so much about hurting those around us but really, at the end of the day, if we don't like ourselves why do we care if others like us?" - Ashley Mitchell - BIB

I have come to learn with these moments. That boundaries need to be set. Not only by me just deciding to do so, but they need to be verbally heard and told why.  Someday, I HOPE, those who need to be separated from my story, will WANT to be a part of it.  For now, its OK that they aren't.  Its called ACCEPTANCE:) I am working hard to accept the things I can not change.

Did it tear my heart and soul to bits hearing "well i think i want to meet her more because she was in our lives for those few years."  Holy my Moses it did. Why isn't he as special?  Why doesn't she think he is as special?  Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about him?  That's where boundaries need to be set. And that is where I need to VERBALIZE, Its not OK to downplay, or to make me feel as if he is less, because he was only ours for a few days.   Because he will still be a part of me, and I want him and his family to always be a part of my life. They are incredible, why would I not want to surround myself with INCREDIBLE people? 

So set boundaries, for yourself, for others, verbally and non verbally.  It is respect to yourself. To your story.

- Jena