telling the family

What were my thoughts those next few days? What did I contemplate? What did I feel?

I keep looking over anything I had at the time I found out I was pregnant, and I never updated consistently. I wrote that we went to So. Utah the day after we found out. And we told his "second mom" first. After that, his dad, and I wrote a letter to my parents. He decided that he was going to tell his mom alone(that was a good idea considering she DESPISED ME).  

I wrote a letter to my parents. Why? Because I was so disappointed, and I couldn't bare the thought of my moms face after me telling her. And well, I thought my dad was going to murder me right then and there. I wrote the letter the night we got home from So. Utah, and didn't give it to them for 3 weeks. Remember when I said that my mom knew the moment I was pregnant? I didn't want anything to be true. I didn't want to disappoint her, it was going to kill her.  And, I was disgusted with myself. How, after 17 1/2 years, did I end up sleeping with 1 person, and was the one to end up pregnant? Why didn't all those girls I went to HS with end up pregnant, when they slept with SO MANY?! I was so mad. I was so scared. 

When i finally went over to give my parents the letter, my little sister and I got in a fight(that wasn't unusual at all). So, I did the big kid thing and left the letter on my parents dresser... and left.  I told them there was a letter on their dresser as I basically ran out the door.  Even before I had gotten back to L's house, there was a message from my parents telling me to come over before school...  AAAAAHHH One of the longest nights ever.

After I got up and ready I drove to my parents. I walked in and was as quiet as possible. I sat in the Recliner and waited. I could hear them getting ready themselves. My dad walked out first, and then went and got my mom after he saw me.  I don't know what all was said, I know that I cried and cried. They let me stay home from school and we talked a little about if I'd though about what I wanted to do. At that point, I didn't know.

We talked about who would tell my siblings, and so on and so on. I told my little brother and sister, I don't think the youngest quite got it the moment I told her, at least I don't remember her getting it. My little brother was pretty mad at me, but gave me a big hug.  I think my mom told my older brother and sister, and I told my oldest sister. My older brother said I was an idiot, DUH, I already knew that. And I know he felt bad, because he's also had a baby in HS. And, it didn't end well for him(admittedly he was a dink!).  My sister just older than me ignored me(which she'd already been doing since i moved out).  My little sister... the one I got in the argument with... it was her birthday, and they had me tell her after they got home from their dinner. She was furious, mostly because I'd treated her like dirt for the things she did/had done, and I end up pregnant. I was a hypocrite to her. And, well, I was to me as well.  I don't remember what everyone said, or how they all reacted. But I know it was hard. The hardest thing I'd had to do so far in my life. 

The BF told his mom, by himself. My parents agreed it was a good thing I was there either. I am not sure if it was before or after finding out I was pregnant she wanted to meet with my mom.  Basically, this woman blamed the ENTIRE situation on me.  Apparently it only takes ONE person to have a baby, and I forced him to sleep with me. I wanted to get pregnant, at least that is what it sounded like. I do remember, she did(for sure) blame it all on me.  I was furious about that, because I'd never done anything remotely close to this in my life. I had never been one to go around doing things with boys, and I wasn't one to just go ahead and sleep with someone and TRY to get pregnant.  I couldn't change what happened. But I chose to ignore her, and try to figure out what we were going to do.

Two Pink lines - pt 2

February, 2003

It was in the evening that we went back to his moms house. I don't think we said a word the moment we got there until I came out of the bathroom. I don't know how long I was in there either before I finally got the nerve to pee on the stick.  I think I paced for a while before I finally just did it. As soon As i put the cap on the end... there were those little pink lines, that fast, that bright. I about threw up right then. I set it on the counter, and i walked out, "What did it say?", "We need to wait 3 minutes."  I don't know how long he waited to go in. I just know he came out asking what those two lines meant. I wanted to DIE.

And I kept hoping... "maybe it will disappear, maybe it will disappear."

I couldn't talk, I stared off into the air, trying to process the whole thing.

I walked into the living room, fell on the floor and cried. I laid(is that the right spelling?) my head on his knees about to hurl my guts. There was no excitement, no happiness; only fear, disgust, disappointment. All I wrote in my Journal, months later, was "It SUCKED!"

I know we "talked", or at least for 10 minutes mumbled something about, "What should we do?" my first response, "I am NOT having an abortion." Odd that is the first thing I said to him. You wouldn't say that to someone who shared your same beliefs, or you thought you would be with "forever".  I still wonder WHY those were the first words to come out of my mouth. We'd never talked about this before... having kids.  We hadn't even talked about being together past... now, at least not that I can remember.

There was a mention of getting married, keeping him, and placing him for adoption. 

You would think with the fact I believed we would be together forever that I'd say, "lets get married.", and honestly, that was not what I wanted! Remember, I had that boy on his mission, I was still in HS, and I STILL HAD DREAMS. I wanted to go to school, date, have fun... so WHY was I with this person? And WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?

I don't think I stayed very long. I went home... I went to the home of that boy who was serving a mission. I was living there. I felt so ... awful. I can't even describe how I felt, there isn't a word to describe it. And I wonder how many girls feel that?  It was just another reiteration that I was NOT supposed to be with this person. And we were NOT supposed to work out.   I went home, I went to bed, and I laid there and cried... ALL NIGHT.  

This wasn't good. It wasn't what I wanted. All night I thought about the girls and guys who were "those kinds of kids", the kind who had been with so many people. I was never that kind of girl, and now I'd been with ONE person, used protection, and I was the one who got pregnant... ME!

Two Pink Lines

As i said previously, I am not sure that I thought I was invisible, as much as I just didn't think about getting pregnant at all. Protection was used, and I never thought it could happen. 

Christmas came and went, December came and went. And that month was the hardest month leading up to those 'two pink lines'.  Though i don't remember much about that month, I remember my heart during that month. I was torn because of what I had shared with the birth father. 

I had always said that I would wait till I was married to do those things. I was taught that it was the right thing to do, the best thing to do. It was something that I had made a personal promise to keep. I wanted to be with the person I was going to be with forever, before having sex. I FELT as if, because of what we shared physically, meant I had to be with him forever; even though what my HEART was telling me was to run away. Every time I left him, his house, his car, his friends houses, I felt a little sick. I felt wrong about where I was, and what I was becoming. But, my HEAD was telling me to stay. 

I started to feel sick more often than not. I remember going to see my family(which I did sometimes because I truly wanted to go home). I saw my mom and said, "i just haven't felt good lately. I threw up yellow stuff this morning, it looked like an egg yolk." That was the moment my mom said she KNEW I was pregnant. She didn't tell me that then but she did after.

I had my body functions down to a science, OK i STILL have my body down to a science. I was never more than 1 or maybe 2 days late for "Aunt Flow" EVER. but I never could admit that I could be pregnant. I really didn't think it could happen to me until I was married... or I just hoped it wouldn't.
I wonder what other girls in HS thought, or think now, how they felt. I didn't have sex with the intent of getting pregnant. It was something that happened after being caught up "in the moment". I know I wasn't IN LOVE, though, I thought I did love him. I knew it was not the get married kind. I felt trapped after the first time.

 I don't know what it took to finally get me to take a test. I don't know if he got it or I did. And I FOR SURE don't know what day. But I remember it all to clearly.