Group & my hardest day in 9 years.

I know I need to get back to "my story" but its much more fun when people ask questions!

Plus, I was able to go home for a week and that made it possible to go to my "group".  

At LDS Family Services, they have a "group" for single expectant mothers. I've motioned it before. BUT, since moving away 6 years ago I don't get to attend often anymore. I have, and will probably continue, to mention my desire to do MORE with my experience in adoption.  In that, I try to get to group as much as possible. I want to be there to answer any questions someone may have, or be able to help in anyway that I can.  This time, I forgot group starts at 4:00 here... so I was late.. 100% late. I only made it for the last 15 minutes of the meeting:( BUT, I was able to share a little and answer a few questions.

How is life 9 years after placing?  What has been your favorite moments?  Is it still hard? Was his 1 year birthday hard? Was the finalization day hard?  ... The questions I didn't want to answer was this: 

What has been the hardest moment in the last 9 years?

Honestly, I haven't had very many really hard moments in the last 9 years. I think that is a blessing from my Heavenly Father. I am more aware now of the moments of clarity surrounding my placement. I also have felt, 100% of the time, that placing was the right decision.  I have never had a moment where I truly regretted placing. I have always known he is with his parents, his family, and that is how its supposed to be. I have always trusted them and even, at some very small moments, when I have hoped for something and it didn't happen, knew it was RIGHT. 

So, what has been the hardest moment in the last 9 years? Well... it came last year, in October, when I had to drop off his Birthday/baptism gift to his little sisters Birth Mom, and I had to drive home, as she got to drive south to attend the sealing of their little family.  

I don't know what it was, but I felt completely broken that day. I wasn't angry about placing I wasn't angry about the baptism, the sealing, anything... Mostly, I was jealous. I was jealous that she was able to attend the sealing of that little girl to her parents. I had talked with my sister(aka S), and knew that I may or may not be invited to attend the sealing/baptism.  I felt, at the moment we drove away from each other, that whatever happened was fine and that it was no big deal. I honestly did not think that not being there would affect me like it did. And, I think, I was just jealous, and it broke my heart.  It was a hard couple weeks. I kept wondering if they were going to call and say, "We would love for you to come...".  And I wondered if they would call and say, "We think it best that you don't come." Which, I would have completely understood.  Its hard, I do my best to include E's brother and sister in gifts etc. But I never remember their birthdays and I never remember to ask when they are.  I would at least like to send cards to them. I mean, hello, they are my little buddies too!  

Anyway. I never got a call saying they were or weren't inviting me. So, I brushed it off and was fine. I then found that little miss A's Birth Mom was going to be down there for her sealing. And I lost it.  OK, not completely but I did go out to my husband and cry a little because I was jealous.  I was jealous, and then I was so completely happy that she was going to be able to SEE them as an eternal family. 

* another moment where open adoptions are a huge POSITIVE*

I know she had healed in ways I hadn't at that point. 

Anyway. I decided instead of mailing his gift down, I would just send it with her. I ended up waiting, what felt like FOREVER, to meet her a few hours from my house, and the waiting was no good for me. I put on a happy face, and smiled and laughed and did all that, when inside I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell her how jealous I was of her, but how happy I was as well. But I just said how happy I was for her and to give them all big hugs and kisses from me.  

As I drove away, I'd gotten to where I had service, I called my mom(which I rarely do when it comes to the whole adoption thing), and could no longer hold back the tears. "I know they have a good reason for not inviting me, and I know that its gotta be right, but I didn't think it would bother me. I didn't think I would ever be upset over it.  I wish I were B, that I was able to not be involved with the birth fahter, maybe that would have helped my emotions in the beginning and I could have been there. Ugh, I hate crying over this..." Obviously, it was ridiculous that I was crying over it. 

I wasn't sad, thinking "my little boy is getting baptized and I wont' see it..." NO, not at all, not in the slightest. What I was missing was my FAMILY. I was missing such an amazing moment. I was missing eternity.  I wanted to see his DAD baptize him.  See his Dad, Grandpa's, Uncles, etc give him the gift of the Holy Ghost. I wanted to see them come out of the temple with their new baby girl, together, as an eternal family. 

All I know, is it does still sting a little, but I know that everything is fine. That the way it is; is right. 

That day, was truly, the hardest day in 9 years.  I was jealous... am jealous(lets be honest) of their relationship. BUT, I have had 9 years:)  and that makes me lucky!  They are absolutely INCREDIBLE. And should ever anyone disagree with me, you will get a swift kick in the knees!!!