Remember that time I had the worst day ever? Heck it may have been the worst day/week/month/year.... but either way, it was the worst. The only thing that enveloped my mind daily was the fact that E's mom did NOT have days like this. It took a while...(thus I am only writing about this now) but I have recovered;mostly. And I have a new sense of understanding, learning, experience, etc etc.
We've all heard it, we've all seen it, and very often we've all been angered by it. But seeing it at the moment I did, just before I'd posted, it was something that shot straight to my heart and made me start to wake up. "You can't compare your beginning to someone elses' middle."
Two quotes that have ran through my mind very often this month of December. Many times in the frustration of dealing with children. Or in moments of "new this and new that" for many people. I have to remember that I have had to go through things in the last 10 years that others never will. I have had to endure much heartache in that time from many different things, that others never will. While I do get angry often because of it, I have a knowledge and understanding that others don't. I have had experiences that have allowed me to be there for others who thought they were alone.
I have had to remember how prepared S & R were to be parents. Both college graduates, both steady jobs for at least a few years before becoming parents, very smart with their money. Then I had to remember what they had to do in order to be 'approved' to adopt. The classes, the home studies, the panels, and so much stuff I can't even imagine. I had to remember that they're at a point I am not, and they have had time etc to get there. And hello, what better examples to have?! Faith and love and everything I could ever want in a marriage/friendship is visible with those two. What I should have been doing was watching, and applying their parenting style in my own life. Not necessarily identically, because I'll never be as they are, but I could do better, and by golly they're amazing parents! I sat and looked in the past at all they have done, and do, and compared my 7 1/2 married years to their 12+, the thief was there.
Comparison to them eventually turned to comparison to myself and most every person I've come in contact with in my lifetime. "look where they are... and I'm just here.", "I have tried this and this and this... and they do that and that and that... ", Many times I have knelt in prayer, and have been so frustrated, that I couldn't get the words out. I always turned into the..."I try SO STINKING HARD" I always do my best, and these people over here lie, cheat, steal, etc etc... and they have it all. I gave up a couple years ago; took me a year + to get even started in what i quit. I came to that point again when I wrote that. I was ready to quit. I was ready to walk away from it all. This is not worth it.
I struggle, OFTEN, with comparison. In turn, I struggle with faith, and my willingness to put my emotions and life in the Lords hands. I constantly say I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I QUIT. I GIVE UP. THIS ISN'T WORTH IT. I forgot how to pray, to pray and LISTEN to what my Heavenly Father wants me to learn, and see, and do. Because I lost faith in Him, I was robbed of joy. I was robbed of joy because of myself. I look at the bad, and ignore the good. That has to change.
My beginning has stunk... but my middle and end will be grand. They have to be, He has promised me, and it will.
It comes in adoption that you compare your story to others. There are to many differences in EVERY SINGLE situation, that there should be no room for comparison. You need to pick out the GOOD, the JOY, in your story. There is good to be found in everything, EVERYTHING. I am finally taking the initiative from Blessings in a Basket/Big Tough Girl and starting a daily gratitude journal. And a family gratitude jar/journal, won't you join me.
-jena
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