Saturday, July 12, 2014

A Postivie Test

I took a pregnancy test 6 weeks ago.  It  said + . 
1 week ago, I had an ultrasound, and I saw that flutter.  I saw that bean.  And it was living.
3 days ago I got to see it again, and HEAR it, and it was living.
I have been waiting and waiting to share this information.  I have been blessed immensely to be able to bare children. But I missed something in my Journey after Placement.  I missed how this affected those not able to see those + signs, to hear that heart beat, or see that flutter.  

The "happy Sad" is here.  I am so happy... but so hurting.  I never EVER thought of this as a bad thing.  I KNOW ITS NOT A BAD THING, but when you learn and some of your absolute best friends don't have a reason for the infertility... IT HURTS.  I wish I could put this baby in one -  ALL - of their bellies... I didn't know how it would affect ME.  Until I learned how it hurt THEM.
In my journey, up until 2 years ago, I didn't know much of what the "hopeful adoptive" or those who have failed medically "helped"(sorry brain is farting over here) over and over and over.  Then, when i did... this news... although exciting... has also turned painful.  More than just hoping that I wasn't hurting my dear friends who are struggling with fertility; you come to know those that have had a child, are struggling, and you see it posted all over. "Why is everyone getting pregnant and I'm not?"  ...  "5 friends in one day announced they're pregnant..."   It hurts more when you didn't know.  Makes me want to delete it and make it go away.  

I didn't ever think that S would be "hurt" by my pregnancies.  And though I KNOW(without a doubt) that she was/is happy for me, did it hurt her as well?    My dear bestest lovie friend Candace, when I told her I was pregnant last year,  let me know how it felt.  She let me know because I WANTED to know... I NEEDED to know.  She was so kind, and so loving, and shared with me some super deep and sacred feelings.  Not once did she make me feel guilt about being pregnant, but more so made me with I could share this experience with her step by step.  She taught me SO MUCH.

In the last year I have met so many amazing women.  Those birth moms, adoptive moms, hopeful adoptive, 'infertility treatment' moms(what do you call those women?!), and one thing is clear.  We all truly love and cherish each others feelings, and want to learn more about the other. We want to be there to support and love on each other. To show that we will do what we can to help.   That where there is joy, there is also pain.  That happiness can be sadness, and even if your happiness is someones sadness, you can lift them and love them.  Our stories are all so different.  I wish my story was able to be shared with others. I wish those mommies who can't have children biologically... could.  Oh how one of the happiest moments is to hear of others becoming families.  All ways are good.  I am blessing because of my part, in creating a family. 

now im babbling... and no idea where i want to go from here... so i hope this even is understandable...

1 comment:

  1. I love you Jena! I am so happy and excited for you friend. I really feel honored being one of the first to know. I also love that you are letting me vicariously live this pregnancy with you. I want to know all details!! Hemorrhoids even ;-) LOL