I have been mulling over this post for months now.
I can never seem to get the point across with my words. They're never expressive enough. Never coming together the way I need them to. So, today, I decided I'm just going to do it and get it over with.
Just over 10 years ago I walked into my first "Group". It was intimidating, nerve racking, and helpful. I saw women who had placed months ago, years ago, weeks ago. I was invited to go out to get a little treat after one of our meetings, and though I felt absolutely inferior, and that I didn't click at all with anyone there, I went. Those 4 girls were soon to be the women I've stayed in contact with through this entire process. Though we don't see each other a lot, think along the lines of years and years, they are still there for me, still supportive, loving, and down right inspiring.
I have always enjoyed going to these groups. The Birth Parent/Expectant Mother support groups held by LDS Family Services. And I went for a long time because I NEEDED to go. I needed to share my grief, I needed to hear of others grief to know I wasn't the only one. Then it turned into going because I LOVED those girls, I hoped they would learn something from me. I hoped they would know that life can go on, and that you can succeed and flourish in life after placement, or single parenting. I went because...
I have felt the desire/need to share my story, or to even just be an advocate and not share.
The thing is... There's something missing, or something that eats at me and kind of tears me down. That "Birth Mother Bond". Its supposed to be there, or at least I thought it was supposed to be there. I thought that I could walk into a room of other women who shared that special gift we had, and we would click. They would love me, I would love them, and life would be wonderful. Now, do not get me backwards here. I have met many amazing Birth Mothers who I have amazing relationships with, and many amazing Birth Mothers who though we don't "click" have stayed friends, to support and love each other and its never awkward. But there are more that make me uncomfortable than there are that I click with.
I hate to admit it, but just like in any other circle in the world, there are cliques in Adoption as well. Does it suck, YES IT STINKING DOES. There are the "rich" ones, the "poor" ones, the "emo" ones, the "weird" ones, and so on. Do I think those titles shouldn't matter, yes. Just like in the real life living working world, I don't think your "title" should matter. But, Its not all sunshine and daisies.
Its been hard, attending the group where I currently live. I feel like an outcast, like what I dreamed of doing doesn't matter, and isn't welcome. I feel like a burden rather than a look at how life CAN BE BETTER in the future. Its hard going there, when you try to connect with people, to support and love them, and get shut down. I honestly feel like I'm that newbie again. That one that no one wants to talk to. Its dumb, and I shouldn't feel that way, but its how I feel.
Sometimes I want to walk away, and quit sharing. But then that doesn't feel right either. I want every Birth Parent, Expectant Parent, to have someone. Weather they click as "best buddies", or just as friends that can love and support each other continually. I want to be a help for people who want to know my story, or know why I chose Adoption. I don't want to be there to tell anyone "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO." Because its not always the case. But I want to be there to give a hand to someone. Whether they are placing, parenting, or still don't have a dang clue.
I think, and again I THINK I THINK I THINK, me, no one else. I think that we all need to support and love each other. NO one adoption story is exactly the same, but we have all been through it. I have witnessed the ache, because of a closed adoption. I have witnessed the ache, because a birth parent hasn't seen that baby since placement. I have found that even though my story may be better than another, doesn't change what I can do when I love, listen, and care for someone who needs it.
I met with a fellow Birth parent for the first time last week. It was a little weird, but I say that's because it was the first time we'd met. Then I was called a "fan", or maybe I wasn't called that, but that is what I took it as, and CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG. I thought... hmmm... I didn't think I would say I was a "fan". I would say I'm a Fan of The R House. I am a fan of the Agape Project, and the women involved there. I am a Fan of Brave Love. I was a Fan of this woman, but I thought we had past that moment not to long ago. It was a little hard walking away from that and feeling the disconnect. It doesn't change how I feel about what she does, what she says, or who she is. She is amazing, she is an advocate, an amazing speaker, voice of truth, and so much more. I just would have hoped for something more since we are together, supporting the same page, like I do the other people on that page.
But it isn't how it always ends up. And I suppose its not what I can count on or expect from anyone.
I can hold my hand out there, and let them know I am here to be another voice, friend, advocate, birth parent, and so son, but its their choice weather to "click". Its not making it easier. But maybe its all I can do. And maybe I need to take a step back and see what I want from all of this. What do I need to do, and want to do about my story, and my support system?
Do any other Birth Parents feel this way? Am a total boob and nutcase for thinking this way? I think I just need to get over it and move past it... Quit being a baby right? Ya, probably.
