"Time heals all wounds."
Time and time again I have heard that phrase, most often in the last 5 years, and not so much in the last year. What I have heard, life will continue to throw curveballs, kick you when you're down, and never go as you plan.
In my adoption world, time didn't heal my wounds. Be they physical or metaphorically time did NOTHING for my wounds. Time didn't make me miss him less, think of him less, hope for him less. TIme didn't make me want to talk to his mom and dad, to see them and love them and tell them how much they mean to me. Time did nothing. Time was just that... time... Time did teach me that I must heal myself, search out help for "wound care".
My experience, as a Birth Mother, did consist of post-placement care. I had a therapist, a group, and individuals I could talk to. I took some time to care for me and left when I felt my time was done. Sometimes I came back because I needed more help to work through new grief. I needed to work through how to be a mom when I failed the first time or thought I had failed. In and out of advocacy for adoption, and the love of a triad and people who will not ever know how much I love them. Not because of a son that was placed, but because of the people they are.
There were further moments down the line that allowed me to continue to learn and grow in what I experienced. It also allowed time to learn more about adoptees, adoptive parents, families. Two of my dearest friends, and Adoptive moms, showing me love and grace in frustrations of what I yearned for in a relationship with a family. And showing me the heartbreak and love they felt for their children's birth parents. Allowing me to be open about my hurt, and inturn them being open about theirs. I have always wondered and tried to learn of the grief that came from being unable to have a child of my own... I'll never get it... but gosh I'll try.
Time didn't heal the wounds of the hopeful man and woman who so desperately wanted to have a child. Time, even if/when a child came to them through whatever means, didn't always heal what was broken and hurt. Time didn't heal as the child grew, and love was filled, time was just... time.
In life... time really hasn't done anything but teach me. Time didn't heal a broken home, hurt kids, abuse, trauma, grief, and life that continues to move forward regardless of what any of us were ready for. Time hasn't healed me. Time hasn't healed anyone. Time can help. Time to do the work, and see a need, and ask for help from people has healed... some... but it mostly has helped. Some wounds will still be wounds, scars, bumps, pains... you can see it, it doesn't hurt, but you remember how you got it, and what it took to fix it.
Does time heal the death of a spouse, of a child, of a parent? Does time heal the emotional scars of mental/emotional abuse? Does time heal the effects of physical abuse? Does time heal the effects of affairs and dishonesty?
Time can help. Time so so so much can help. But I don't think it truly heals. Sometimes we need the scars to remind us of what not to do next time. Some scars and wounds are there so we can help and teach others. Some are there just to remember how strong and amazing we are.
I can say if you don't do the work if you don't search for help with the time we are given... we won't "heal". If you hold on to something that hurt you or use it as an excuse to be something you really shouldn't be. If you place blame and use the "its just the way I am..." how do you ever expect to heal? If you have someone who is willing to sit with you, love you, support you in whatever it is you need to do to heal... wouldn't you want that? Don't you want to heal?
So often healing is scary, letting go of hurt and moments that rocked us, it can be scary opening back up... what if it happens again?
Time doesn't heal all wounds. At least, for myself time doesn't heal all wounds.
Time helps.
