Do you wear your past?

I just got back from swimming with my sister and her family. I took the oldest 3 while baby Lenny stayed with her dad. We laughed, played, jumped, threw, and chased each other. It was such a fun and needed day with family. I realized shortly into our day, that being with them made me breath easier, and relax in a way I haven't in months. After getting back to the house, the kids left to go to their grandmas house with their dad. I was about to jump in the shower, when the thoughts started running through my mind. Lately I have thought to myself, "I should write that down so I can write about it later."  And then I continue on doing whatever it is and I forget. Today, was different. 

I have been on a LONG journey learning to love my body for what it is. I have come to accept what it is, what it can be, and what it will be. I am amazed at what it is capable of, and what it can be capable of, and what it will do.

Toady, as I walked to the shower, I looked at my body in a way I haven't before. I noticed that the extra sun I got from being outside the last 2 days, has accentuated those beautiful stretchmarks I received when I got pregnant with my children. I don't really think they are beautiful, I know other women do, but I don't. What I DO think, is that they are a visible sign of my past, my motherhood, my ability that I was lucky enough to be able to carry 5 children. It is a visible appearance of choices made, of stress, of sadness, of heartbreak. It is the ability to see redemption, faith, hope, and love. 

As a birth mother, I still get told that I should just, "let it go, and move on...", and so on and so forth. Something that I don't believe many realize, is that even though we could, MAYBE, forget those babies we loved so much, some of us have daily reminders of them.  I feared being intimate after placing that baby for adoption. I feared dating, and being close to anyone, because then someday they would actually SEE me. They would see the marks, they would SEE my past. 

Some of us LITERALLY WEAR our pasts. We do not choose to hang on and remember every day; or do we really even want to remember in the beginning.  But, my choices led to a pregnancy, which led to my body changing, stretching, moving, and becoming something opposite of what it was prior. My past has not faded physically, but has even been more accentuated because of the other children I had. If it were not for those stretchmarks, I probably wouldn't remember daily. I probably would not have been so scared and closed off.  Then again, I probably would have been the same because I was so changed. I was so different. I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, and hide something I was. 

I wear my history on my body. 

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes its joyful. Sometimes I accept it; and sometimes I do not. I felt imperfect, and I believe many of the boys a dated after thought so as well. That is why they didn't last, or didn't even begin. There is more to having a fresh start, for us as birth mothers, when we physically see our past. It is hard to move forward, it is hard to forgive, its especially hard to feel like we fit in. 

Remember, for us, that we wear our past. Most of us do, anyway. We won't forget. We will have fear about our future spouse, our families, the people we date... Will they believe we are worthy if they SEE my history?  Remember for us, adoptive families, that we don't forget and that we love you. That the moments when we may not like you as we grieve, that we DO remember why we chose you.  That we have to hold onto the reminders that we are Daughters of God, Daughters of a King. That despite our choices, our failures, our fears... that He is waiting for us to allow him to forgive us. For His grace, his love, his mercy. 

I know I need to remember that right now more than I ever have before... 

I am enough. I am imperfectly perfect. I am loved. I am lifted. I am His. I am a Daughter of God.

So are you. We can wear our pasts, and do so with class, with self confidence, and with a desire to continue to make better choices. WE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH. 

5 months

Its been almost 6 months since I've written.... I am not sure what to write today.  Computer-less for almost 6 months. Thoughts building up for almost 6 months.  And today, I don't know what to say.

So, to be honest, today I hate adoption.

Today, I hate being a birth mother. I hate the supposed "birth mom bond" that is supposed to unite birth parents.  I hate that I got involved in the adoption community.  Today, I just hate it.  Its been months of feeling so much anger and disgust. Not just for others, but for myself as well.



6 months after placing, LDSFS had set up a plan for updates.  For the first 3 months, I got pictures and letters once a week.  Since I, apparently, lived in the stone age, we communicated by letters, in the mail.  Pictures were printed and sent with the letter.  I had usually 5 or more pictures with each letter. They updated me on how E was doing, and how they were doing.  For three months, I very much needed to know how he was.  I needed that affirmation to keep my head on straight.  I needed to know that my decision was right.  I knew that he would have been in such a toxic atmosphere those first 3 months(had I parented).  But, I still needed to know that he was OK(even if Ii knew he was).  Every letter, every picture, eased so much pain and FEAR.  I SAW the joy in each face in each picture. I saw him being held, cherished, loved, adored, and carefully cared for.  He was perfection, and so were his family.

The next 3 months I received pictures every other week.  With each letter that arrived in the mail, more and more anxieties, fears, and pains were diminishing, many had been extinguished completely.  He was smiling, giggling, chubby, blondie, blue eyed, and the most handsome little boy EVER.  NO BATTLE.  I grew more and more love for his mom and dad, more and more love for his grandmas and grandpas, and for the every growing testament of the peace of where he was. He was home.



I owe SO SO SO SO SO much of my healing, my happiness, and my love for adoption, to his amazing mom and dad.  I was able to heal, to move forward, and grow because of their promises kept, and promises made.  Because they allowed me to know where he was, to know he was OK(with boundaries included) I was able to have peace fill my soul.

I went out with a dear birth mom friend this week.  My heart broke, tears were shed, and anger filled my heart towards people who "owe" so much to her.  I say that and then want to smack myself because they don't owe her.  Adoptive families don't owe us anything.  You don't owe a birth parent anything. We made the choice, we made the plan, we followed through. We chose to sign relinquishment papers, we chose to not be mom.  BUT, in that, we are still a mom, we still love them with every single ounce of our being.

Though you don't owe us "anything", you do owe us something.  By sacrificing every bit of human nature because we love our children.  Because we broke every ounce of mothering instinct to place those babies into the arms of the families that were supposed to be, we truly, TRULY, deserve respect.  I know there are lines, I know every situation is different.  I AM NOT BLIND to the crazy, to the alcoholic, to the mentally incapable, to the drugged... there are situations where you can be respectful but have to have VERY tight and closed boundaries.

What I can say, is that though adoption will not be "them" it will not define them completely, it will be  HUGE part of who they are.  Because of adoption, they have a home, they have a family.  Because of adoption they aren't biologically the same... so that will cause medical situations.  It will be a part of them.  My numerous adopted friends(since before I became a birth parent) say that adoption is a part of them, not defining them, but a part of them.

Adoption, for birth parents, doesn't define us either. It doesn't say what kind of person we are because we became pregnant and chose to place a child for adoption. It doesn't make us sluts, or whores, or druggies, or terrible horrible no good people.  It doesn't make us all crazy, or angry, or ruined.  For many, it helps us find out who we really are.  For many it made us open our eyes to what we REALLY wanted in life.  For many, it was the only way back to Him.

Respect us.  Love us. You can do so with boundaries.  UPDATE your birth families.  Let them know how those littles are doing, how YOU are doing. Let them know they are healthy and happy.  Let them know that they are THRIVING.  Why should you do this?  Because without knowledge, we are left empty.  We are left to question the very thing we chose. We are left in wonder of their health, their bonding, their well being.  Update, because those pictures and letters, even if its a quick text, or short 1 paragraph email, THOSE HEAL.  Those pictures were a CONSTANT reaffirmation of RIGHT.  They were always there to set my aching heart back to peaceful.  I KNEW he was fine, and he was where he was supposed to be.


So... we can even go a step further...

VISITS --

They happen.  Crazy right.  I mean, how can someone "give away" their child and then expect a visit?  No, this is not a like a divorce. No, we do not share parenting responsibilities(nor should parenting responsibilities be shared).  We do not get them "ever other weekend", or "for the summer" or whatever it is that divorcees have to deal with.  BUT what there can be, are in person visits, to show love and care for all those involved in the adoption triad.

Could you believe, that when I saw that little boy for the first time, I was scared, and maybe a little heartbroken?  I had waited 2 years to see him in real life again, and when I did, I realized he wasn't my little boy.  That part was heartbreaking; that he grew up from my 3 day old baby.  At three days old he became a member of his eternal family.  I was scared because I didn't know how I would feel. I was scared that I would break down. That the connection with his parents wouldn't be there... Did you know, though, that as they walked forward with their families, all those fears were filled with pure and utter HAPPINESS and EXCITEMENT!!!!  I couldn't have been more happy that he didn't have a clue who I was, and that he clung to his mom and dad.  It was a dream come true.  Could you believe that SO SO SO many holes and questions and fears were healed.  HEALED!

I could have gone the rest of my life with little to no contact after that day.  Why?  Because I saw, first hand, that he was PERFECT.  I have such a testimony of the power of prayer, of faith, and of God answering questions.  That moment strengthened me, and showed me much of what I had lost when I became pregnant. That day, helped me... find me.



When people say that they have never seen their birth child/children after placement, it breaks my heart. Only, because I know what it did for my heart, my soul, and my mind.  It breaks my heart because even thought they say they are ok(which i know there are some who are truly ok) they aren't.  I can't say that every single birth parent deserves a visit.... we all know when they shouldn't or can't.  But, in a lot of cases, we just would love to see them WITH YOU.  Pictures are wonderful, letters are amazing, and texts are like Christmas morning, but being able to see them, with our own eyes....  PEOPLE I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT DID FOR ME. There are no words to express it. There is no way to show it.  But I can STILL feel it, when I think about it.


So why do I Hate adoption today...  because I hate adoption for my families, who just want to see those families.  Who just would love to sit down and watch y'all interact, and be a family.  I hate it for so many other reasons right now too...


I know I don't have people reading this a lot... I think that is good because it wasn't my desire for this... and it is going to be very sporadic writing anymore.  I am pulling out of the adoption community. I need out. I need a break. I need solace.  I need peace.  I am lucky to know the people I do because of adoption. I am lucky to be friends with so many now.  I'll keep those intact...  but I can't put this out there anymore.  Not like I have been.  Its kinda ruined me lately.  And I hate it.   So ... for my last post for however long... Adoptive families(who are REAL families) I hope you can see and hear what has been written.  I know that you know what will work, what is possible, what is right.  But I also hope that hearts will be softened and that you'll be able to let a visit happen, or even be able to send those pictures they are so desperately needed.  They will heal. They will give peace. They will save.

Broken Promise?

I have been blessed in my adoption journey. I have never had a promise broken.  I have never had an expectation of something and it not happened the way it "should have".  

That could be a good and bad thing to some.  As i have said numerous times, our contact/openness was dictated for the first 6 months by the agency in which I placed.  Pros and cons to that(I'll post on that later).  In that six months we never really had much talk about what life after six months would look like.

It wasn't discussed what type of openness they were comfortable with. It wasn't discussed what I wanted. It all seemed to just... fall into place. I never questioned, and learned to adjust to what I THOUGHT I needed versus what I actually needed.  

I have been blessed. Because I have never had a promise broken.  I have never had my heart torn to shreds because of words spoken that weren't followed through with. I have witnessed, though, the broken hearts, and broken promises. So I guess this post is mostly to educate... I hope anyway... to educate, or make aware of what I think is important.

Its never fun to admit that there are some REALLY REALLY  crappy adoption situations.  There are some couples who say what is necessary to gain the trust and love of expectant parents. Only to turn around the moment those babies are in their arms, or the moment they can't take them back, and close off all communication.  There are some who automatically assume that no contact, or minimal contact, is helping a birth parent in their post placement growth.  

Some are intentional, some are not.

SO, here is MY opinion and thought on the matter.

COMMUNICATE.

There are so many couples out there who would do anything to get a child. The ones who would do anything for the expectant parents, anything for the baby, for the extended families, etc.  So many who love unconditionally, not only the baby, but the expectant/birth families. 

 Make sure you communicate to each other what you think is important to keep/incorporate into your triads. Talk about the hard stuff. Talk about how much openness you want post placement. Nothing has to be definite, set in stone, unchangeable; make changes when necessary.  Take time to listen to the birth parent, and what they are looking for in a post placement relationship. Listen to their needs and desires at the time, and see what works for your family.  Find a common ground where you can both be present and happy with what boundaries are set. Have a knowledge, repeated often, that change is possible, and that you are open to hearing what each other has to say.  That you are available to listen to what they need(again) on BOTH sides.  

There is no reason to be dishonest in what you think you will be able to do after a child is placed with you.  I know that if you are an expectant couple that wants a closed adoption, and foresee that not changing, there are expectant parents out there who do want those same things.  Do not assume that we, as expectant parents, are automatically going to be fine post placement. That we won't need anything, and that if we say we do, that it will probably change the moment we place those babies in your arms.  

Make sure that if someone needs MORE that you can give that to them.  Respect needs to be present on all sides of the adoption relationship.  What works for one, may not work for another.  What has worked for a past birth parent, may not be what works for a new birth parent.  Just as in our daily relationships, all are different and require different attention and needs.  

We are PARENTS.  That is why we are called "expectant parents", and post placement, "birth parents".  Because we are parents.  We are making a decision that a parent would make in a hard situation (yes though so so different).  We love those babies more than anything, just like any parent should.  We TRUST and sacrifice to better the lives of those children of ours.  And even though we know that they are not ours, we are still a parent. Often carried for months before an adoption plan is made, we are parents. We want the best for them.  

In the beginning its hard to navigate through the emotions that come after placement, on both sides.  Being that I've only experienced the birth parent side, I can tell you it won't always be easy. But with communication, trust, faith, and boundaries, it can be navigated and made into good.  I was up and down often in the beginning. For many months just wondering how HE was and not to concerned with his mom and dad... or their families.  But, it didn't take long to remember the people that I came to LOVE and TRUST and ENVY, and wonder how they were. They deserved to be happy in all this, they needed to be. I put so much of my pain on their shoulders, I hope they can forgive me for that someday.

As an adoptive couple, remember that those who placed are experiencing a loss. Regardless of the moments that came to us reiterating over and over the RIGHT choice we were making. The moments of clarity and peace. Of love and joy, we are still heart broken.  We may not like you very much for a bit... but we still love you. And as we heal, and grow, and communication is prevalent, it can be quicker and with more love.

Birth parents, they are experiencing all new emotions as well.  Some adoptive couples deal greatly with post placement pains as well, and truly wan the best for you!  Be patient as they adjust to a new member of their family. Ad they experience the lack of sleep, crying, diapers, spit up, crying, more diapers, formula... its all new for them as well.  It doesn't need to make you feel like grieving shouldn't be happening, all your emotions are valid, and allow yourself to feel.  WRITE DOWN the reasons you chose adoption, why you chose the family you did, what you wanted for your child.  

BE HONEST.  Do not make commitments that you can not uphold.  Do not promise the world, when you can only deliver a bag of dirt.  Both can be beautiful, both can be fulfilling, and healing, if they are right for each of you.  If you or your couple need "more" and its something that you initially thought you couldn't do, LOOK OVER IT MORE.  Look more deeply at what you are currently providing, and see if it is something you can do.  Sometimes a little change helps more than you know!  Sometimes something as simple as a letter and pictures once, or twice a year even, for the birth parent alone, can be healing and helpful.  It can allow them to know that they are cared for and loved.  That even if they are seeing them grow on public avenues(facebook, instagram, etc.) that it is something SPECIAL just for them!!!  

Don't take for granted the idea of your family GROWING. That there are that many more people that will love you and that child.  It can be amazing!!!

Don't make a promise you can't keep. Or a promise you don't intend on keeping. In the end, it will not only hurt you, but the child, and the expectant/birth parents.  And same goes to birth parents.  BE HONEST. Allow them to know what you want and hope for, and don't get angry if it isn't something they can do at the moment.  Take time to sit back and asses what you are asking, and if it will truly help you.  

Communicate, set boundaries, be honest and real, and GROW together. 

You're all in this for the same reason, a beautiful child, that is going to grow and thrive!

Birth Mothers Day

I didn't now there was such a thing as "Birth Mothers Day".  I definitely didn't know of it when I placed, or many many years following.  I only really came to know what that was 2 years ago.  Open Adoption Open Heart had asked me to be a part of their page. And they taught me a LOT about the love people have for Birth Mothers.  I even had my first "Happy Birth Mothers Day" posts over Facebook:) .

Now, I don't know that it is a "real" holiday/recognized day, but in the adoption world, it is.  

The year following placement, I sat alone, in my parents basement, on Mothers Day. I came upstairs, after having cried, and sat to eat.  My dad said, very nonchalant, happy mothers day.  I cried more.  Then more that evening. 

Since that night, I have not had a family member recognize/celebrate myself or that day. I crave to have someone in my family recognize that he was mine, if only for a moment.  That even if I am not his mother, I am/was a mother still.  I still crave for them to say... anything... positive about his being a part of our family at all.  Even now, even though he isn't mine, his family IS MINE.  They are my family to the ends of the earth on to eternity.  Yup, they're mine:), they are my family.  I love them.  I wonder if it will ever happen, but shouldn't hold my breath.  They still haven't even read my blog.

That being said, I received a text from my little brother.  "I guess I'll be hanging with you on Birth Mothers Day."  WHAAAAA?  Ya, my mouth dropped as wide as the grand canyon! No joke, I was in shock.  Not only did he say he'd be coming down to stop in for a bit(which hasn't happened in FOREVER), but he said a SPECIFIC IMPORTANT DAY.  It was a good thing that he didn't see me - or hear me - I was a blubbery mess.  

Friends... adoption peeps... birth mommas... the family members of those who have placed a baby...

PLEASE acknowledge those women for what they have done.  I constantly hear "what a brave girl you are" or how "selfless" or "amazing" I am.  I don't feel it, especially when I can't get my family to acknowledge it.  Make sure those girls know, that they are loved. That their choice to place those BEYOND special babies, was a choice well made.  That though they are breaking, that you are proud of them for making the hardest choice of their lives(at least i hope its the hardest choice we will ever have to make).  

Let those special girls know that they are mothers.  One way or another. Whether they have those babies with them, or they don't have their babies with them.  Birth Mothers... are still Mothers.  If they weren't, I don't think that name would be attached to "Birth".  

Its always hard, being a birth mom, with all the misconceptions. Its hard with the women that do place because they "didn't want their babies".  I have yet to meet a single woman like that. BUT, those of us who place out of love, or because we knew it was best for them, or whatever, are still a mom. We still find joy in ALL those moments that those angel babies get to be a part of.  Walking, holding their bottle by themselves, smiling, laughing, saying mom... to their MOMS!  It still brings just as much joy!!!  We hurt when they hurt as well.  We get scared, when they do.  We love them. We love them with every ounce of our being. And that is what makes us a mother.

- Jena

Communication

Today seems fitting that I blog about communication in adoption.  I had the opportunity to write an article for a little ditty called America Adopts.  Really, do you know how cool it was(and it was cool, it made me cry), to see something written by me, published on a website, that wasn't mine?!!!!!  That reaches so many people?!!  I cried, I posted it all over facebook, i cried some more...  I called my family, friends, everyone.  It was like I didn't know it was going to be published, that is what it felt like, it was HUGE. 

I touched a little here and touched a little about it in the article.  

So what am I blogging about communication here for?  Because there is so much to it. There is so much to communication between a birth parent and an adoptive couple. Or, a hopeful adoptive couple, and a expectant mom.  Words never seem adequate in dealing with adoption, and all that surrounds it. Its truly like a relationship... such as marriage...  And if you go HERE you can see an awesome post written by my Open Adoption Open Heart family.  And it really is much like a marriage.

I was able to talk to my dad today a little about openness in adoption.  How it differs from one couple to the next; from one birth mom to the next.  I explained that there may be a couple who wants total openness, and the birth mother doesn't want anything, or very little, or just a little more than little, but not quite all the way. Then you have birth parents who want it OPEN, and the couple doesn't. Or they do but not quite all the way.  My dad said, "I think that if I were to adopt a baby I don't think I would want so much openness."  I thought, you also thought that if you ever had a child become pregnant out of marriage that you would NEVER place that child for adoption."  

I distinctly remember after placing my parents talking to me about that; not placing a grand child.  And while they knew it ultimately wouldn't have been their choice, they said that it was something that had discussed before. And they felt that they could never let that child go.  Then... you had me... and I became pregnant... and I placed, with 100% support from both of you:).  Not only that, they agreed and felt the same confirmation that I did, that this was right.  Things never happen like we plan them. Things never go the way we have them written out, in our minds or on paper.  CONSTANT CHANGE.

With that, I come to communication. While there are some closed and some open adoptions, there is still the necessity for communication.  It is HUGE, PERTINENT, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, to be COMPLETELY HONEST with an expectant mom/couple.  Do not promise what you can not deliver. Do not agree to things that make you feel uncomfortable with.  All parties in adoption need to be confidant in what they are doing.  It doesn't make it easy, it doesn't make it fun, but it helps.  If you do not want openness, let that be known from the very beginning. If you want openness, how much do you want?  How much can you handle?  Be open to the feelings of each other, of all parties. Be willing to listen to their needs, desires, and hopes, and be honest with them.  Make sure there is a line of communication open so that, if the need arises, that levels of openness can change.  Some open adoptions have closed; because of a need, or a fear.  Some closed adoptions have opened.  Keep the lines of communication so that there will ALWAYS be clarity in your relationship.  

Holy my moly how hard it is to have clarity always, but if you come up on something that makes you uncomfortable, discuss it. Work out what the problem is, or what you are happy with, and find a way to either fix/change/better/let go of the item.  

Birth parents, we need to remember the reasons we placed these children, and the reasons why we chose the families.  I hate that not all adoptions were a choice, that some were forced to place their children.... in those moments, I pray for peace and comfort for those who have been so utterly hurt. I had a list of reasons up on my cork board of why I chose them.  I had a list of even more reasons of why I chose this for him.  I had to read them a lot that first year. But as it became easier and easier, those reasons were confirmed upon me in many many instances where I could SEE why he was placed.  

Make sure, that you have clarity in your choices, your abilities, your situations. Because we can't work together to better the life of these tiny babies, if we can't work together.  I believe that 99% of the time, a birth mother doesn't want to have a relationship just because of the child that she is placing.  We are building relationships with these people who we have chosen to be the parents to these angels.  We didn't place because we already had a relationship with these babies(though we do have relationships, and feelings, etc), but I placed with this couple because I LOVED THEM.  I missed them when they left, I missed not being able to call them when their number was right there... I needed to let them know that i loved them.  And the only way we can keep doing that is if we communicate the need.  

As if it is all that easy right, to just say, "Hey, this is what I need." and BAM you got it.  Its not ever that simple, rarely its that simple, there is usually a lot of work:).  Sometimes you ask for something, and they say NO, or they say Not right now, sometimes... they don't respond at all.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE respond people! PLEASE It is AGONIZING when birth parents send a letter... or text... or email... and get NO RESPONSE!!!  It is truly gut wrenching. Especially when its about something important that they want to make sure they didn't do something wrong... or they just want to know what works for you guys.  Talk about feeling like a pile of crap... nothing is worse than not hearing from you adoptive couples, after placement.  It would be better to tell the truth and respond, even if it saying "we don't want contact anymore."  than NOTHING.  At least we will KNOW..  The Unknown will kill ya.  I have had that experience... i still like to believe that they didn't get the letter. I will forever believe that.  Until i am told/proven otherwise.  But it hurt, because it was important about them.  Cause I love them and thought I did something wrong...  Please, be honest.  Even if it might cause some momentary pain, being honest is BEST.  It eases so much pain, and brings so so so much clarity.  We cant be better ... we cant support you and sustain you... when we don't know.  

I know that there are Adoptive couples who have experienced this same thing on their end.  There is a reason they are sending us pictures... or emails... or letters.  They love us, I know they do.  They want to know how you are to. At least, it seem so much that way.  Sometimes it isn't that way either. 

WE have to be OPEN to talk, and receive when we are given.  Both Positive and Negative. We can't grow, and progress in the unknown.  Communication is KEY in any adoption relationship.  We have to remember that...  And while this is MY OWN opinion, I think its so true!!!

Without communication, I wouldn't be here today, sharing like I have been lucky to share! I am blessed. And I pray for those who are struggling, and hurt, and broken.  We are here!  I am here. 

-jena

STOP IT

Is it truly so hard to STOP?

After my previous post, I've had a few FEW people come to me and start going off about Yes I hate This group and that group... or I can't do stuff with this group because that group will get mad... etc.  SERIOUSLY.  KNOCK IT OFF.

There are many groups out there in support of adoption, of birth moms, of adoptive couples, of hopefuls, the list goes on.  I am part of A LOT of groups.  I don't pick apart what one group does better than the other. I don't pick which people are the worst in that group. I don't worry about any of that. If someone is having a hard time, or wants to celebrate... THEN I PUT MY HELP IN WHERE NEEDED.  I am not there to criticize, to pick apart, to belittle, to spy, to break down. I am in these groups because we all need support, we all need love, and faith, and courage and mercy.  Where can we go if we can't feel safe in these areas?  

I have determined, that if there is something going on in a group; say a retreat, or a class, or a get together; if its going to help you on YOUR journey... GO AND DO IT. Join in, and do what you need to do to grow and heal.  If you need to go so you can express your story positive or negative, you should be able to do it in a safe place.  

If you are going to GOSSIP about "she stole the idea from her" or "she is stealing the idea from them", you need to take a step back.  With all the blogs, websites, facebook pages, support groups, adoption groups, etc, there is bound to be repetitiveness. BUT, I can assure you, how rare it really is for someone to "STEAL" another story.  Maybe you take and IDEA about a blog post. Or and IDEA of a doing a retreat, either way there is probably someone, somewhere, that is doing that EXACT thing that you are, or that they are.

As I stated before. We all have strengths and weaknesses.  ALL OF US.  Oh if I were to sit on here and list all my weaknesses i'd be on here for weeks. Believe me I sat down and started a list of weaknesses.  BUT, guess what, we all have strengths as well.  And what I lack in my abilities, I can learn to accept them, and grow from them. I can learn to make a weakness a strength. And I can do that by being a part of EVERYTHING..  I can do that by supporting all adoption triads, and realizing its a part of life. 

What I will do though, is be done.  I have blocked people who don't do much other than pick out every piece of negativity they can.  I have blocked those who go out of their way to pick apart every other person they can find that doesn't have a view of adoption that we may have. This is it. This is the end of this road for me. No more posts about competing, or gossiping, or whatever between adoption groups.  

I am here to find the POSITIVE, I am here to embrace the negative. I am here to do my best to help those who have had crappy adoption experiences. I am here to grow, and learn, and succeed in life. 

Stop gossiping about our community and what you do or don't know. Or what you THINK you do or don't know.  If you THINK this person is going to assume you stole their idea, GO TO THE SOURCE. Tell them of your concern, OR tell them that you got an idea from them, and that you wrote it about your story.  Good grief, if we were all allowed to only share 1 story or experience... we'd be SCREWED.  The end. We wouldn't have anything worth sharing, or growing from.  So STOP IT.  Be better. Be stronger. Be wiser. BE THE GOOD.  Push for the good. Push for the positive.  

Is that a rambling enough for the masses????  

Its all over the place I know, but oh my heart can't take anymore.  So its done. It has had all it will take. And I am going to go back to doing what I need to do to grow and heal.  What I need to do to be able to help another. Because that is what I am here to do. To be the good, to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to have a friggin awesome sauce party with!!!!!!:)  Be jealous:)

I love this community, and all that we have in our hands to be proud of.  

So lets start being proud. Being the winners, the educators, and the fighters(in a good way). 

LOVE YOU ADOPTION GROUPS, ALL OF YOU.

We need a united front.  WE ARE ALL FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD OF ADOPTION.

How can we educate, and instill the idea of adoption if there is so much crud? Lets just stop.  

become UNITED.

Competetion?

I haven't been in the adoption advocacy game very long.  At least, not publicly. I was able to become more involved when I found Open Adoption, Open Heart.  I slowly started making comments here and there, and soon realized what a great thing this was!  

 Only within the last couple months or so, has my involvement grown and expanded to the point I am at now.  In that time I've been able to come in contact with SO MANY birth parents.  Many stories good, many stories bad, many similar to mine, and some extreme opposites.  The idea of what is possible in sharing and becoming an advocate... is AMAZING!  The things that are happening are dreams come true!  

But, then you have something else that you see on this side of the fence.  Something I wasn't prepared for, or even anticipated. The idea that there are, more than not, birth parents competing with other birth parents. Support groups, or adoption advocacy groups, competing with other groups.  To be honest, I was IN SHOCK, to say the least.  

Why. In. The. World. are we competing?!  We all came to this point, to this title, by the same ropes. We all placed children for adoption. Whether it be by choice, or by force, or in faith, or fear, we are all here sharing in this experience.  There is no one story that is the same. NOT A SINGLE ONE.  We all have a different outlook. A different experience. A different love, and life.  What we DO have, is that we are all birth parents. We all love those babies we placed, we love their parents, and even though we are all at different places, we are HERE.  

WE need to be here supporting each other, supporting ALL groups.  Supporting ALL things positive in adoption. That doesn't mean that we cower away from, or ignore the hard, negative things. But, why not take the road we are all on and build each other up?!!!   Why not push each other to be the best we can. To help others the best we can?  We are all here, together. I don't know what else to say, how else to say it... 

QUIT THE COMPETING, the BELITTLING, and the BASHING.  

Start supporting, encouraging, and celebrating!  

We are all in this together. WE all need to be better. 

Do it. It really is that simple. JUST DO IT.  BE BETTER.

Getting Serious

Derek here again... I had some positive feedback on the previous post so I'm looking forward to continuing on with "the rest of the story".

 I went into some details previously about Jena and I first hanging out.  I had never dated a birth mother before so I had a lot of learning to do.  I did however perceive immediately that Jena had very sensitive feelings.  Now, she being sensitive may be how she naturally is.  She was also very understanding and patient.  She was helpful in educating me on the subject of adoption.  Now at first, we of course started out as friends.  And definitely became "besties" right off the bat.  We literally hung out every day!  So, you couldn't really say that I "asked her out" so to speak.  I even made her pay for her own food on our first unofficial date... (I still had lots of learning to do).  We went to lunch at Arctic Circle and I, being a bonehead, didn't pay for her food, because I didn't want her to know that I had feelings for her.  It was a defense mechanism and I still haven't lived that one down after 8 years...

So, this story, like any love story, is full of wonderful details but I'll have to publish that novel later.  There were certain things I learned early on dating a birth mom.  Some of those pertained to the language you use.  For example; the term birth mom is appropriate, not baby mama.  And an important one is that you never refer to the adoption as "giving up" the baby.  The term "placing" is the proper and respectful way to put it.

In my previous post I went into some deep feelings and perceptions of what I think is means to be a birth mom.  Now, these things, I should say, don't happen naturally.  The woman needs to work on these things.  I'm sure there are women out there who may beat themselves up for several different reasons I will not attempt to understand.  Or someone continues to mistreat them.  And like any person with that "light" or "glow" of something celestial, it can be dimmed or put out.  I believe Jena was one who learned and grew from her experience, and didn't use it to negatively affect her life as much.  And that was what I was able to see.  As I began to learn what made her shine then I was able to help it grow brighter so that others could literally see it, feel it, and grow from it. 

Now let's all be honest.  Life has its ups and downs in everything we do.  Jena and I have had our fair share.  Early on I had some struggles of my own.  Typical college students who date each other do so mostly for the fun of it.  They date for the sake of dating.  Most would have college studies or other things to focus on.  They will do this for a little while before they decide to "settle down" and get serious.  Jena was different.  I was still trying to be the hot shot college football player and didn't want to settle down just yet.  I knew that entering into something serious with Jena was not just for the sake of dating.  She wasn't here to play games and be immature.  She wasn't a college girl.  She was a woman with real life experience and had to make some grown up decisions before she should have.  So, I basically had the option that I could continue on my ways of being immature and living it up or I could follow what was right and participate in what makes Jena so special.  I obviously chose the latter.  Was it a easy decision at first? No way!  But Jena is blessed with patience and turns out our unofficial "song" is "Patience" by Guns 'n' Roses.  (Greatest band ever!)  I am really cheesy sometimes... well most the time. One of our hang out nights, I sang as many 80's love ballads as I could remember off the top of my head to her and she didn't run away screaming! I knew I had a keeper!

So, I had to make some changes in my life to be able to continue on trying to build a relationship with Jena.  She gave me a few ultimatums which were along the lines of "quit doing this certain thing or I'm outta here" type deals...  As time went on and the love grew, those decisions were easier.

As a final thought to this post I will sum up my beginning attitude of Jena's adoption experience.  I would sit there and support her in what I thought was the appropriate way.  I had the attitude that the adoption experience is "her thing".  I wasn't there, nor am I the birth father, so what role, if any, do I have? She can go shine on center stage and I'll sit back here behind the curtains.  When she is done, then we can get back to being us.  It's only been 3 years, maybe this will all fizzle out over time... Now, I would learn that this is the wrong attitude to have.  I also will say that most, if not all, of Jena's immediate family members still have this same attitude and probably will forever.  And many other birth mothers are in the same situation with their own family members. It doesn't mean they love her any less.  They just haven't invested themselves.  Next time I'll share how I overcame this attitude and some deep struggles I've personally had as husband to a birth mother.

-Derek

The Body of a Birth Mother

Ah the post baby, post placement, post par tum depression, the post body.

The body of the Birth Mother.

"Your body isn't ruined. You're a tiger who earned those stripes."

Really, whoever came up with that analogy should be smacked in the face.  It must not be a woman.. it must not be me. I have never liked that quote, i have never liked my stretch marks. Maybe I would have felt differently? If I hadn't placed a child and my marks would have meant different?  The reminded me that no one was going to want someone with a battered body. No, they weren't bad(after my first baby), but they were enough for me. I hated the thought of having to have someone ever see those. And then what would they remind them of?  That i was 'used goods'. 

"No one is ever going to want to be with me ... and now no one will ever want me because I'm "used"."

I can't count how many times I heard this come out of my mouth. "I'm used."  It was said so eloquently in moments where I was ready to walk away.  "no one is going to want someone who had a kid..."  LUST people LUST will get you every time. Love pulls you through the mud and picks you up and cleans you off.  Lust kills ya! I didn't need to hear it from anyone else... it was enough to hear it from myself.

I thought that because I didn't actually HAVE a baby, that it wouldn't matter. That I would still be OK.  That I would still be able to date and grow, and learn, and avoid that ugly side. It didn't take long(a year really) to learn that dating, even if I wasn't a "mom", was hard. Was it just as hard as if I had kept him?  I don't know, I have never had a child and had to attempt dating. I don't think either are easy.  Those moments that you get introduced to someone, or a group of someones, and you get that "oh she had a baby" look.  Many nights going out wondering how I could keep going out with these girls when I was the "black sheep".  I was the used goods... i was ... ugly.  Who was going to want someone with stretch marks?

Plenty of dates were gone one. Plenty ended in not another date. It really was shocking though, some of those dates.  How they would treat me ... things they would say.  Now, I can look back and blame it on immaturity and being uneducated in the adoption department.  But the thing is, you walk around, and the majority of women who have placed  a child will feel exactly as I did.  It isn't that people aren't educated. Really, its that not much has changed in that area. Boys are still there, immature, and not ready to be with someone who has done what we have. We will go out, have a good time, tell them we had a baby (if they didn't already know), and that will be the end.

Its rough dating after placement. Its tough to look in the mirror and be "proud of those stripes". Ugh, I hate that term.  I wasn't proud, I was broken. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror and be OK with what I saw. I looked awful... I felt awful... it was awful.

I didn't think my hubby would date me. I didn't think he would continue to date me. I thought we were buddies(we were, he was my best friend), we had amazing talks, fun cuddling. He made me feel awesome about being a Birth Mom.  And, ladies, there are guys out there who will do this, and mean it. There will be someone out there to love you, and raise you up, and make you feel like the queen you are for what you did.  He gave me a Mothers Day card. I wasn't a mom. I didn't have a baby sitting with me. But I was a Birth Mom. He knew that baby was important to me. He knew that 9 months was what made me who I was.
The moment he said he loved me... it was FOREVER. It was right and I knew it.
My body... wasn't a reason to squirm or run. He made me feel beautiful, strong, and proud. I hadn't felt proud. And it was a wonderful feeling!

We take such care of our stories, of those angel babies. We should take that much care of our bodies.  Take what we look like after, and help it to mold you into the person you want to be. Let it be a reminder of the sacrifice and love we have for those little's. It probably wont change how it makes us feel, really, but it can help in baby steps. As we go through our grief, as we grow through pain, write down something you love about your body each day. Go on a walk and get physical. Your body, mind, and spirit just went through something incredible. And we can take charge and love ourselves just the same.
I pray, a lot, to be able to continue on in my physical journey. I thank my Father in Heaven for the body I have, and what it has accomplished. I also thank him for allowing me to accomplish more, and for helping me to BE thankful. Its not easy, its not perfect, it just is.

you can buy this HERE

We are all beautiful, because though we are slammed with outward appearance being whats important, its not. Have a honest, good, real, joyful character. Be brave and real. Share your story of survival. you deserve to know you are the best!

- Jena

The Aftermath

So that post... the one I just posted...

I had been questioning lots if I wanted to continue in sharing my story. 

I questioned what kind of "in there" I wanted in the adoption community. What kind of advocacy I wanted to be a part of, how deep to be in it. Was it even making a difference?  Was it hurting more than helping?  

So many questions were running through my mind. .  .  Then something happened.

I was contacted by a dear dear friend. A fellow Birth Mother. One who has been through SO much.  And what did she say, "You are one of the BIG reasons I chose adoption."  Seriously, I'm not here to be like "Bayam I'm the woman."  But it stopped me in my tracks, dropped me to my knees, and my stomach dropped to the floor.  It was something I need to hear in that moment. It was AMAZING, to know that I did help someone. Because I showed that life does go on, and you can be OK after placing a child.  Especially with a closed adoption(not mine).   I am so thankful for her. I don't know why she decided to text me that night, but she was inspired. Because we weren't talking about us initially. It was a blessing.

I have also been contacted by other Adoption advocacy groups asking to share/guest blog, on their sites. WHAT??????   Everything I've been questioning and wondering if my story was even being heard or mattered, was. It IS.  I am in shock.

There is so much more going on in this community that I am blessed to be a part of that I can't share.

So many sacred moments between myself and some amazing women who have carried me, and supported me, and given me advice. Who have fasted for, and with, me. This is what I needed right now. 

This doesn't go without saying I'm sure there will be more hard moments... but... I can get through them. 

I have more hands holding me up than tearing me down!!!

Thank you. THANK YOU. to those who have touched my life this week... and in the past... and to the future;)

NEW YORK NEW YORK .... I'm coming

and IDAHO.. who knew I'd ever wanna go there.

and TEXAS... its gonna happen!

When You Share

**Disclaimer ** this is raw, real, and very much me. 

oh- and this is gonna be a quote filled post.

This last week has been filled with a lot of emotions. Anger, hurt, frustration, faith, question, hope, to name a few.  In the end (as in today) I feel stronger than before. And more ready than I ever have to continue to share my story in hopes that someday it will help someone else. 

To sum it up, This quote seemed perfect for the setting.

To say the least, what I saw was more of a shock than a frustration. It did turn into frustration, but then I rememberd this quote that my daddy told me.  Truly, he is an inspired man, because he helped remind me that, 10 years later, I am better than I have ever been. And that I am ok. 

And then, I realized, I am ok. I AM OK!  I know that what I am doing is ok. What I am doing is right. That God knows it, I know it, and the people who matter know it.

Leads me to my next point:

 

Though I share a LOT on here, and I have shared a LOT in panels, in classrooms, but its not the WHOLE story. There are many special, sacred things that I don't share. But its important to share enough so that (as stated above) someone, i hope, will be touched and helped in either making an adoption plan, or choosing to parent, or get married...  Maybe I can help someone with Post Pardum Depression?  Maybe I'll be able to help someone who is in an abusive relationship?  But here's the thing to. There are many who were there to see my life from 2002-2005. There were many that weren't there during it, but still assume they know my story.  They may know a small part, but they don't know all of it. There are many that assume that sharing forgiveness is equal to meaning that I have feelings for someone. LAME BALLS to those. This is my story. A story of triumph, love, loss, and growth. I have learned more from being a Birth Mother than anything in this world.  Being a Birth Mother has made me a better Mother. I am not perfect, but I try.

So here we are to the next :

This is true. This is not me saying "I am amazing and I have an amazing spirit."  This is me saying:

"If I am going to share my story publicly. If I am going to be an advocate for adoption. If I am going to be open, honest, true, and real. Then I have to be willing to take the backlash."

Not everyone is into adoption. Not everyone is willing to accept the truth. Not everyone is willing to admit the truth. and you know what, THAT'S OK. Why?  Because it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.  I share for myself, and for those who I hope to help in their own journeys.  

So, my adoption friends and family, my birth mommas, birth dads, adoptive parents, expectant moms... SHARE ON. Be prepared for the backlash, and stand by your story. Be sure, as well, that you are truthful. because it matters.

Assume the Good. Doubt the Bad.  Pretty simple eh?  

I don't know if this person is gong through something. I don't know if they're happy or sad.  IT DOESN'T MATTER. Assume the good.  And what I assume, is they have a relationship and that makes me HAPPY.  And i am at peace, and have fully forgiven, and have loved my life the last 8 years.  Have there been many ups and downs HECK FRIGGIN YEA. But its my life, and I'm stronger, because of it. 

I have been carried by friends, family, neighbors, and total strangers. Mostly, I have been able to kneel down and pray for strength to forget and forgive and feel peace. And the Lord has been there to love me and carry me through.  

I am so grateful that I can share this story. And that I have the opportunity to do work in the adoption community.  We all need to be more aware:)

I have, for a very short time, tried to see the good in every situation.  I found it in this. And am blessed because of it.  FIND THE GOOD. Forget the nonsense. And forgive as well.  It doesn't matter anymore. Its done and over with. And its all OK.

A is for ACCEPTANCE

I honestly came into this class thinking it would just be another avenue to write down feelings and emotions. The same feelings and emotions that I've had for the last 10 years. I wasn't sure that I could improve, heal, or grow more than I already have. I thought it would be fun to do something during this most favorite month of mine.  Boy have I been turned upside down and inside out.  

How incredible it is to sit down, and read over and over, her lesson for the day. I usually start out just reading it a couple times when its been posted. Ponder and think throughout the day, and then journal before bed. Its been 3 days... and I may have to buy a second journal for this thing! 

There is so much I never thought of during my last 10 years of post placement, post pregnancy, post Birth Father life. ACCEPTANCE... of things more than just what was... but what IS. Things I need to accept now. Things that, if I don't want to accept them, and hope to change them, that I need to step up and make those changes.  

No more excuses. No more what if? Or, how come? Or, Why me. Accept those choices I made. Because, ultimately, I was the one who chose. I was the one in charge of myself and that child I carried. And NOW, I am in charge of protecting it all. 

If you have been touched by adoption, whether it be a birth parent, a birth grandparent, a birth aunt/uncle. If you are an adoptive mom or dad. Or even an Adoptee. This class could be so beneficial. It truly has made me decide to take some steps to change what I can, and accept what I cant. And only, in time, can those things that i have no choice but to accept, can those hopefully change. And if they don't, ITS OK!

Move forward, take chances, and put yourself out there. Put your emotions out there. Be vulnerable, even if you don't share your story, or your details, or anything with anyone, it can only help! 

So come take the class, its gong to be happening again it... i think... april or may... or maybe its march:)  

head to Blessings In A Basket, and check it out!!!

- Jena

And I am FINALLY Back

I feel refreshed. and excited to finally get back to this blog!  Its been a crazy few months. 

So here is a little blurb of an amazing woman, Tamra, who I get to finally meet in real life in a few weeks!

She speaks so eloquently. And I am pretty sure that i've posted this before, oh well.

Go visit Youtube and listen to this amazing woman!!! And i'll be back soon ya'll.

Tamra: And her Adoption Love

I'm coming up on having been a Birth Mother for 10 years.  I didn't think it would be scary... but it is.

Glad to be back. Glad to continue on. Though, I think a few of the dynamics will change:)

Thanks so much

Jena

Open Adoption, Open Heart

We don't have the Internet right now, we won't for another month until we move, it is a little difficult for old Jen over here!

Open Adoption, Open Heart: I have read this book twice now. I will read it a third time too, I'll probably start again on Saturday. Its short, its to the point, its informative, its everything.  I have had the opportunity of becoming part of a group on Facebook: Open Adoption, Open Heart.  There, I have been able to talk numerous times to Russell & Jammie, to see their thoughts on Adoption, to hear of the love they have for their children and their Birth Mothers.  It also helped me understand a little more about those amazing couples who we place with.  Their struggles, and trials, and broken hearts that they have to go through. Then their love, strength, and EXCITEMENT to begin their families!

There are so many points in that book that I couldn't agree with more, and ones that I wondered if I could have handled things as well.  One example: Brianna, at 15, leaving her home, moving across the states, into a complete strangers home.  I don't know if I could have done that. She was brave, she wanted to do whatever it took to give that baby everything she ever wanted him to have. 

Russell also tells of how a person asked if his "mother" loved music because of how much Ira loved music.  Now, I can't deny that there were numerous times in the early years of placement that I made statements of how much he did something like me, or that he like something like I did.  It only took a couple years for me to learn/be inspired, or to feel something undeniable true.  As much as I love art and music(in all forms), he does not posses that talent from me.  Yes, he and I have the same blood, but everything he is and does he has learned/obtained because of his amazing parents.  I don't feel he has gotten anything from me; in terms of talents, abilities, etc.  If it weren't for his parents, he may not have had the opportunities to find so many of his talents. His grandpa is an artist, his other grandparents are incredibly hardworking and loving. His Uncles and Aunts are all incredible smart. His Mom, is a teacher, is  beautiful, and has such an incredible gift of love. His Dad, is also incredibly smart, hard working, fun, funny, and honors his priesthood. He not only mimics his family in talents, but in their physical appearance as well. His blond hair and blue eyes, match exactly, to his aunts and cousins. And even now, his little sister has blond hair and blue eyes(he was pretty excited at that turn of hair color). 

Also, they felt as if they were responsible for Briannas happiness. They were all "facebook friends" when she returned home after placing.  And they mentioned how it wasn't really in their best interest to try to read into one line statements and/or "updates" from facebook. 

I always had the assumption, while I was pregnant, that Heavenly Father wouldn't allow me to go through any more trials because this one was so large. That my life would be butterflies and rainbows. Awe, isn't it a great picture you can paint I'm your head, you can just see it all so clearly right?! Well, I could, and I truly thought there was no way life would ever get harder. Or, hard at all. 
As chance would have it, life has continued to had me lemons. I have continued to have trials, and have a hard time making Lemonade out of those lemons. Truly, I have had no desire to make Lemonade and have seem to swallow myself in self pity, or lack of desire to push for change. I didn't ask for help, and still don't.  I have, very very often, been very public and open about how hard my life is... not ever thinking that if someone reads this that is having a harder time than myself, they may just punch me in the face. I can say that, cause I've heard and read things by others and wanted to punch them in the face!  What I have learned in just the past few weeks is this...

My life is hard, but so is every other persons on this earth. Where 50 could be a LOT to loose to one person, it is the same as if a rich person were to loose 500.  I have learned, that I am in charge of my own happiness. I hope that R & S never felt like they were responsible for my happiness. If they were, I would be the happiest person alive(truly).  They have made me forever happy, because they were at the right place at the right time. Because they are E's parents.  I am not, but I am lucky enough to be his Birth Mother. And that is something that  could never make me sad.

That 'forgetting' is OK. That change is OK, even if it is hard. That asking for help, even if it is the thing i hate the most, is a GREAT thing.  I love when people ask me for help, I'd drop whatever I'm doing just to help.

I have learned, as of yesterday, that my story may be to honest for some people. That the truth will always be there.  And that my intentions of this blog is to start to organize all i want to say.  I will not ever say something to make someone feel bad. Everything I say is my opinion, my story, and MINE alone. If I ask someone to be a part of this and maybe allow me to post some of their story... that is different.  Just because I have a hard day(you know when I had my "hardest day") It isn't to make someone feel bad, its to express answerer. And to let people know life still is hard, and we all have to make CHOICES. 

I made many dumb choices after placing, Those are just some of the reasons my life has continued to have hard moments.  I can't base my happiness off of anyone else. I can't base their happiness off of my own(though that doesn't ring true with my kids - a story for another day). But If I am happy, maybe I can help be a LIGHT to someone in the dark.

Russell and Jammie, you have been a Light in my Dark. And even if I'm jealous at small moments of you, its only because I think the best of you. And, it gives me something to work towards. The same goes to R & S, you were the Light in my Dark.  And you are my heroes. You two are the best parents EVER. Those kids of yours are so so lucky!!!!  Us, girls, are lucky to have you. 

procrastinator

I am a rEEEEEEEEally bad procrastinator.

For the past 8 1/2 years I have done everything in my power to get this off to R & S, E, etc on time. I am a horrible person, because Christmas... yes Christmas... is still at my house. This year I have a good excuse though, we're broke(literally) so I hope they know that my intentions were well.  

Any whoosers, being that I am awful and buying gifts in advance, and then not having everything ready in time, more times than not I have gifts for my little family sitting on a shelf, waiting.  One specifically is R's Fathers Day Card and gift.  SERIOUSLY. I am awful.  I did really well on Mothers Day, for real, the first time ever as well. I had all cards bought for the important women in our lives, and then even had them mailed out BEFORE Mothers Day.   What happened that I didn't do the same with Fathers Day?! Oh my blasted wretch of the world, its bad.  I blame it on the fact that we were trying to figure out how to get my little fam up to see my brother, who we hadn't seen in 4 1/2 years.  Planning baby blessings, pictures, and a bunch of other things to be jammed into that 3 day weekend.  

I hate being a procrastinator.  I hope that R knows how much I do love him. How every time I see them, him, or him with his Little's, how he answered every prayer, every hope, and every dream I ever had for that little boy.  He is an INCREDIBLE Father. He is an incredible example. He is an incredible person.  I hate to say it... OK no I don't... but I truly have the best family. They are THE BEST adoptive couple out there. And have I mentioned I hate saying "adoptive couple" about them. Because they ARE, 100%, those little mommy and daddy. I need a better word.... that people will know what I'm talking about.

Why am I writing this random post about being a procrastinator and airing out all the dirty laundry of my bad habit? I have no idea. It just came to me as I was setting up for a little party I am hosting tonight. Its just been in my mind, as I've seen that little bit of stuff, waiting, for its intended person.  

Someday, I will be better. Until then, I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME!!!:)

Group - LDSFS

LDS Family Services has a thing we like to call "Group". Group, by definition, is where single pregnant girls can come talk openly about their pregnancy, their families, their plans, etc. Any single pregnant girl is welcome, we have also had girls who were pregnant, and plan to get married, still come to these groups. 

These are FREE, and Group is a great place to get support, love, and open arms in those hard moments that come when you are single and pregnant.  

Its About Love

The above link is where you can go to look at the information about LDS Family Services and their services for those single and pregnant.  It was a blessing in so many ways.  The other thing about LDSFS, that was amazing to me, was the unconditional love, and that they didn't push me to go in any direction. I never once heard someone tell me that I needed to place my baby for Adoption. I was never told that, because I was unsure, that I was a bad person.

As I stated in a previous post, I had been to LDSFS 1 time before I moved to my sisters.  Mostly, at that time, we just discussed what I wanted, what we wanted, and what our plans were. I didn't go back because I moved, and because I felt unsure about what I wanted to do.  So when I had moved back home, I attended group for the first time on September 3, 2003.

" Yesterday was my first time at Group.  There was a girl in there that I knew, only because she came and talked to my class in school last year.  It was nice being able to talk about you(E) and my feelings!!  I twas hard to hear how some of those girls were totally left by their boyfriends or the father of the baby. But I am really excited to go again... I sort of wish it wasn't only once a week.  I am going out with some of the girls next week. I am excited and nervous."


Also, LDSFS is not just for girls of the LDS religion. It is open for any girl, of any religion. And they are amazing, at least where I was!  Being so alone through many parts of my pregnancy, that was one thing that I could always count on. And the girls in there were loving, and honest, and helpful.  It was informative, and scary, to hear the birth stories, to hear of those girls that had placed recently, or even years before.  A place where I could share everything and not have to worry about making someone else in my family upset, or in the BF family upset.  Every girl needs an outlet in an unplanned pregnancy, I feel.  There was no safer place than LDSFS to do that.

my friends brothers sister in law's nephew...

I wish I could say that I am not the kind of person to ask a girl who is placing if she would like to see the profile of someone I know... But, its something that every chance I get, I share their information. 

When I was pregnant with E, and still undecided(according to everyone but me), I had friends, neighbors, ward members, and even complete strangers come to me, stating, "Oh, you're not married and pregnant? My brothers sister in law's, nephews, brother, is trying to adopt..."  Now, not that I was super against having people tell me abut prospective adoptive couples; I was against how they were coming to me with them. Being a young pregnant teen, I thought I was an adult now, mature, and able to handle things(as I've said before).  Sadly, as per my responses to those comments/questions/suggestions, "I am not giving my baby up for adoption. I don't know what I am doing right now."  I remember getting so absolutely annoyed and thinking, "How dare they come to me like that?"  

SERIOUSLY? If you could only sit here with me, listening to me as I repeat out loud what I just wrote. If I only had the slightest inclination of what life and love really was like at that moment. I was still reeling off the fact that the BF was cheating on me, and then came back to tell me he wanted to be together again. And, if we have to be completely honest, I was still thinking that he would love me enough to want to be married and I wouldn't have to do the thing that my heart was breaking over.

Months passed, i moved back to my little town, and tried to keep busy and focused. I tried to be "normal", attending a friends farewell talk at church, and hang out with friends like there was nothing wrong. But, by that point, there was something wrong, and it was hanging out over my tummy.  The looks as I entered the Chapel to hear my friend Andy give his talk, the whispers. It was so awful. And it was more awful because people judged me that moment.  I wasn't the Jena I used to be, that choice to have sex changed everything. It didn't matter that I'd never been a "naughty" girl. It didn't matter that my life was going to be different forever, and that this was already the hardest thing ever. All that mattered was that I was the friend, who came to a farewell, pregnant.Nothing was "normal" I stood out like a sore thumb.  And, the BF had no intention of a future, and I really didn't want one, if only to keep this little thing.

Those people still came to me, telling me of loved ones who couldn't have their own children. Slowly it sank in how unbelievably hard it would be to be in their shoes.  And slowly, I had to start to admit to people that the choice I had to make was going to be hard, but had to be done. And, that's when I admitted it...openly.  It was hard, but not long after, did I find them... my HEROES... my sister and brother, E's Mommy & Daddy!!!!

I found them because our "Fairy Godmother", came to Utah for the summer... and was friends with my mom... and that's where the story gets interesting:).

React

In the first few months of my story, there were many reactions, good and bad. Mostly bad. 

As a Birth Mom, there are so many things that I can think of when someone asks me how they should react to someone telling them they are pregnant. 

There is never a way to make a reaction to a pregnancy out of marriage easy, especially when you've been raised and taught to know better.  I know I've been on the end hearing, "I'm pregnant", a couple times. 1 time before I'd experienced being a pregnant teen and 2 times after.  The first time I heard, I didn't really "get it". I mean, I understood what had to happen to make a baby, but I guess it was really mostly shock that it actually happened to someone I personally knew.  Also, I was only about 13 when that time happened. 

The reactions when I became pregnant came with mixed emotions.  I can COMPLETELY understand how hard it is to find out someone you love dearly has become pregnant out of marriage. I can attest, that being on the receiving end, its not easy telling people you love that kind of thing.  

I had siblings not talk to me for MONTHS(pretty much even up to a year AFTER I had the baby). I had a lot of people blame me for ruining things for them. I was even told that I was the cause of a divorce that was now going to happen.  Remember how in High School everyone is retarded, well, I'd been called every name in the book, not only by people I thought were friends, but by their parents. 

Reacting to an unwed pregnancy is hard.  I would not say that if you feel betrayed, shocked, upset, angry, etc etc to not show it, but you can show it in different ways.  Before you start spouting out a bunch of ticked off comments, that you will probably later regret, wait, and really think about it.  Believe me, the two different reactions I got, the worse was my mom telling me how disappointed and hurt she was. And seeing the hurt in her eyes. It wasn't as bad as being told what a whore I was and how I "trapped" him into this ... yadda yadda yadda.  Did those things still hurt, YES, by gosh they did! But my mom still to this day kills me every time it comes up. I see how bad I hurt her!  If you can't be "supportive", let them know you can't right now. Let them know you are disappointed and hurt.  Don't yell at them, they already know what they did. Well, most of them know and are feeling like crud anyway.

Given that I've experienced being a single teen first hand the most recent time hearing that someone I loved was pregnant, i had a strange reaction.  My first thoughts to myself were, "Well, that's not a surprise."  Then, "This is going to kill the mom.... you are an idiot... what are you gong to do?"  Then I told her, "Well that sucks, I'm sorry, and what are you going to do?"  I know that being asked, what are you gong to do, is kind of a dumb question at that first moment.  I don't now if any girl would know, let alone admit, that they knew what they wanted to do.  But, it still gets asked.

You can't make someone do what you think they should. You can't make someone listen to the things that come out of their own mouths that makes you want to smack them upside the head and yell, "HELLLLOOOOOO, do you not hear yourself?"  I heard, "I'm just not ready to be alone, I want someone to be with me... I can't do it by myself yet."  Well, funny, when you chose to be a single parent you chose to HAVE to be ready to do it alone. Though someone may feel that they SHOULD place for adoption, and they don't, that is up to them.  You can be upset with them, but its going to do no good to hold it against them forever. Also, that child will need a lot of love and support.


So I guess, In this jumbled mess of a post, that my suggestion, is try to be NICE about how you feel. Don't be degrading, rude, or whatever else. If you can't be those things, don't talk to them about it. Don't ignore them for months, don't talk about them to everyone else and not say it to them.  Be honest, pray, and do whats right... but probably not easy.